It's never really come up in this journal, but I'm a great admirer of Abraham Lincoln. He was a remarkable man and accomplished a great many impressive feats, one way or another. There is a quote from him (though I am unsure of the source) that I've been thinking of a great deal the last couple of weeks.

"If you wish to test a man's character, give him power."


The application of this to those of us involved in D/s relationships should be obvious, but I wish to descant for a little while on my own experiences of it. My pet was willing to do me the honour of handing over a great deal of power to me. This tested my character. I failed that test and hurt her very badly.

Through misunderstandings, through my own reticence to communicate properly, through, perhaps, not trusting her as she trusted me, and through sheer stupidity, I failed at the first real test of my mastery. I felt a lot of things at that point- disappointment in myself, a deep sense of self-loathing, the fear that I would lose my pet for good, and the sadness stemming from the knowledge that I would without doubt deserve to. Fortunately, my pet was willing to give me another chance, to forgive (though not forget) and try to save our relationship. That was to come though, and the week I spent without her, knowing that she was justifiably angry with me, knowing just how sad and lonely she was as well, was one of the worst of my life. I don't remember feeling worse than I did since I was at school.

I could not sleep, but I had no will to get out of bed. I could not think clearly. I could not eat. I felt sick, constantly, and spent the whole time lost in a whirl of self-doubt, self-pity and fear.

We're back now, and putting things back together. Things are working out, but I know I've hurt her and done damage to our relationship. I know that she's forgiven me for this, but it is difficult to forgive myself.

Power is a responsibility. Power over a loved one is a sacred trust- and I call out to my fellow doms, all of you, each and every last motherfucker: do not abuse that. Do not take that for granted. No one is perfect, this is true, but for the ones you love, strive to perfect those parts of yourself that are needed to make a strong relationship- trust, communication, and honesty above all things.

Don't make my mistakes, just learn from them. That's what I'm trying to do.