So.......i'm sitting here,after spending most of the day pondering how to write this.There a lot of things i would like to say - but people would think i am being negative.There are a lot of things i should say - but then people would think i am feeling sorry for myself

**note to self - dont let me ever catch you doing that,otherwise i will kick your ass so fucking hard,you will forget what day of the week it is**

But I cant help but wonder - I wonder in both directions,cos its no good going in just one.What if  the surgery was more of a mess than it turned out to be.The surgeons erred on the side of caution and only did about 70% of what they had planned to do.Yet I signed the consent form in advance.

**note to self -wasn't 5 and a half hours of fucking surgery enough for you for one day? what do you think that maybe one of the surgeons didnt have his cereal in the morning,and was rushin for lunch?**

Which means what? that I had given them permission to make more of a mess than they did - not that they did really - just that they opened me up,saw something that they say they didnt see coming,and made the best of a bad situation.

So where does that leave me? - i still got the syndrome - day by day,the symptoms are coming back......and its only been 2 months........i thought they would have at least waited......somebody pass me a steak knife and I'll do it myself,now there's a DAMN good idea,dont ya think?

**note to self,have you lost just your medical degree,as well as you mind?**

The truth of the matter is  - i am still young

**note to self - oh fucking really now - and how on God's green chocolate filled earth did you figure that one out? or have you been eating too many of the pink smarties again?**

Well  - 38,you're only as young as you feel.So why do i feel like i am about a hundred and four?

**Note to self -  here's hoping you reach that age,dumbo **

It seems like its becoming more of a battle every day - i used to be good at this shit.I used to be in control of things -  but for now,at least,my back tells me when to sit,when to stand,when to lie down.I feel like such a fucking robot

**note to self - beedy beedy.....beedy beedy** ha fucking ha,not very funny......

I really dont know how much longer i can do this - or should i just write this horrifying week off to experience

**note to self - and you got plenty of that,shitferbrains**

its just been one thing after another.I have been taking the tablets,i have been applying the ointments,i have been taking the breaks,i have been taking the rest - what fucking more am i supposed to do? Any ideas huh,? Any takers?
.....I thought not.

Well,I guess its time for this Rambling Man to shnuffle off this mortal coil,one last time.