Ok, so yesterday started out normal.  Normal routine, normal activities and so on.  The night started progressing as usual  too.  Then it happened.  It came out of the blue with no warning, no signs, no nothing - The fight to end all fights between myself and my other half.  Words were screamed, suitcases unloaded, calls made.  In all rights and purposes we were walking away from each other.  Closing the doors on our relationship, our marriage, our family.

 

I stood in the shower trying to figure out how it could have happened, what lead to this, and why in the world did I feel so completely numb.  I dried off, dressed, and sat at the foot of my bed trying to digest what was about to happen.  We were going to split, I would  either have to figure out how to get back to the states or stay here in Sweden.  Then I began to think of my sons.  My sons.  My beautiful babies - my oldest son that already experienced a divorce and my youngest who had no clue what was going on. 

 

How could we be doing this to them, being so selfish.  Last night, he talked, I listened, but I still felt nothing.  After all, its been 3 years with him.  3 years of trying to talk to him, trying to explain that we had to do something to fix the rifts in our marriage and in our family.  3 years of feeling like I had nothing.  I couldn't just turn it all on, like a light switch.  I mean, I've been saying the same thing to him for 3 years, that last night came out in shouts and anger.

 

Thoughts of my 18 and 3 year old went through my mind and last night I stayed here.  Slept in my bed with him.  The morning came, with us both feeling totally and utterly exhausted.  We talked again, but my reply was simple - "I'm too tired right now to talk about this.  Too tired to give it the right attention this would need."  He relented and told me that we could talk tomorrow.

 

I'm sitting here now, wondering what will come out of this discussion.  Will it bear fruit?  Will we actually be on the same page when it comes to our children and to our marriage?  Where do I find a marriage counselor that can speak and understand english fluently?  Do I love him? Yes I do, he saved me....saved me from an existence of hell and abuse.  Do I want to work on this marriage?  I don't know.  Too tired.  Do I want to disrupt my son's lives?  No, I love those boys with every fiber, with every ounce of my being.  What now?  I don't know......at least not until tomorrow.