“We are the Goshawfuls and we sing this song to you!

We are the Goshawfuls and we’ll tell you what we do!

We just don’t care what’s right or wrong!

We’ll watch TV the whole day long!

We never go to bed on time!

Leave dirty dishes when we dine!

We’ll shoot our spit balls in the class!

Our teacher we’ll tweak and harass!

Class clowning is, for us, the rule!

That’s, if we ever went to school!

We’ll leave a mess in the living room!

Our house smells like a temple of doom!

We never use napkins at the table!

We’ll gross out you if we are able!

Our smelly socks will make you swoon!

You’ll wish that you were on the moon!

We’re responsible for all your ills!

That’s why we’re called Goshawfuls!”

That really made me scared.  “What’s going to happen, Daddy?  How will we get our farm back from the Goshawfuls?”

“I don’t know, darling.  But I’ll think of something.”

The Doobebe family got back into the van and went to a hotel where they stayed for the next week.  There, Daddy and Mommy thought of one thing after another.

“Maybe we could all wear gas masks all the time,” Mommy said.

“No, I wouldn’t want that.  Maybe we can offer them something they want,” Daddy replied.

“But they have what they want,” Mommy said.  “They have a nice place to dirty.”

“Maybe we can offer them a dirtier place.”

“But they left the city dump to ruin our farm.”

“I just can’t figure what might work.  We really should be looking for a new home, you know.”

“You’re right,” she said.  “I can’t think of any way out of this mess.”  That’s when Kimberly Mae’s heart sank.  Even Mommy and Daddy had given up.

“Wait!” Kimberly Mae yelled.  “You can’t give up our home!  What about the preserve?  Where are the Fibble Wibbles going to go?  What about our plans?”

“I can’t think of anything to do!” Daddy said.

“But I won’t give up!” Kimberly Mae shouted.  “If you all won’t fight, I will!”

“What can you do?” Daddy said.  “You’re just a little girl!”

“Yes, I am a little girl,” She said.  “But the Fibble Wibbles are little and they did great things because they are proud and have a great spirit!  I am little but I have a great spirit.  I will not give up!”

“Well, okay!” Daddy said.  “Nothing you can do can hurt.  Go at it!  What should we do first?”

“I’ll show you!” she said.  Kimberly Mae got on the phone and called Mr. Drake’s store.  “Mr. Drake.  This is Kimberly Mae.  I need a bunch of soap.  I don’t know, maybe dish soap.  How much?  A couple of thousand gallons, I guess.  Sure, Daddy will pay for it all.  Send it over!  And send as many brooms and trash bags as you can.”  Then she said to Daddy, “He said he had fifty one-gallon jugs of deodorant soap concentrate in his store room.  That will make enough once we dilute it with water.”

 “What else, Kimberly Mae?” Daddy asked.

“Planes!” she said.  “We’re going to dump this stuff all over the farm.   That’ll take care of the stench!”

The entire Doobebe family jumped into the van to see what would happen.  Christopher was carrying the snake cage.  “What are you doing with that?” Kimberly Mae asked.

“I can’t leave it behind,” he said.  “I was just about to feed it.  We can do it on the way.”

That very evening, they watched as crop dusters flew over the farm putting down thousands of gallons of deodorant soap.  Then thousands of more gallons of water to rinse it away.  And it did help!  They saw streams of bubbly water foam all around the farm.  The deodorant seemed to work for a while too!  But then they heard a trumpet blow and they saw tens of thousands of Goshawfuls with little pails.

“Look!” said Kimberly Mae.  “They’re bailing it all off of the farm!”

Within an hour, all the deodorant and rinse water was bailed off the f arm and formed a stream of suds.

“Nice try, Kimberly Mae,” Daddy said.  “What are you going to do next?”

Kimberly Mae had to admit, she was stumped.  But then she had an inspiration.  “Let’s call in dogs to chase them out!” she said.

“It’s worth a try!” Daddy said.  He made some more phone calls and ordered that dogs should be delivered to the farm, with trainers to control them. They all watched as dozens of very big German Shepherds got out of dog-carrying vans.  They were huge, growling masses of fierceness.  Surely they could chase the Goshawfuls out!  Then a large, gruff, man named Jack talked to Daddy.  He was tall, and mean looking, with tattoos on his arms, and a thick beard.

“Can your dogs help us?” Daddy asked.

“I’ll be my beard on it,” he said.  Then he turned and told his helpers, “Unleash the dogs!”

Seventy men opened up seventy cages, releasing as many dogs.  Then the bearded man gave the order, “Attack!”

But instead of attacking, the dogs just started to whimper. A few of them began to struggle to get back into their cages.  Some of them looked quite sick.

“I forgot that dogs have sensitive noses, too!” Kimberly Mae said.

“I’m sorry,” the man said, “The men and dogs have to leave so the dogs wouldn’t get sick to their stomachs.”  Kimberly Mae was sad as she watched them go away.

“Nice try,” Daddy said to Kimberly Mae.  “What else do you think we should do?”

Just then, Christopher came running to them.  “Daddy, Daddy!” he cried out.  It’s gone!  It escaped!”

“What’s escaped?” Mommy asked.

“My snake!  It was in our van and I guess I forgot to lock the door of the cage after feeding it!  Help me find it!”

“You’d better find it, Christopher!  There’s lots of little critters it might eat!” Kimberly Mae said.

Just then, they all heard tiny cries from the farm yard.  “Snake!  Snake!”

“The snake’s gotten into the goshawfuls!” Daddy shouted.

“How can it stand the smell?” Kimberly Mae asked.

“Have you ever seen a snake that had a nose?” Christopher answered.         

“What are we going to do, Carl,” Mommy asked.  “The snake is dangerous.” 

“We’d better do something quick,” he said.  “Seconds count.  Someone, quick, hand me a gas mask.   I’d better hurry,” Daddy said.  “It’s a matter of life and death.”

“But you’ll get sick to your stomach,” Mommy said.  “You might faint from the smell!”

“It’s worth the risk!” Daddy said.

Daddy quickly put on his mask to filter out some of the stench.  He ran toward the farm house full speed.

“Look at him go!” Kimberly Mae said.  “I’ve never seen him run so fast!”

“How is he going to capture a three-foot long boa constrictor?” Christopher asked.

“I wonder how many goshawfuls will get eaten.  Ugh!  I’d hate to be them right now!”

“What if the boa tries to eat Daddy?”

“It’s not big enough.  Daddy can run away from it.”

“Maybe it’ll wind its way around him and choke him.”

“No, it tried to do that to me once but it was easy enough to get off,” Christopher said.

“How long do you think it will take him to get the snake?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe ten minutes, maybe fifteen.”

“I’m hungry, Christopher, do you have any candy bars?”

“Look, sis!  He’s coming back!”

“So soon?  He’s only been gone for a minute.  And look!  He hasn’t gotten the snake!”

“Daddy!” Christopher shouted.  “What happened?”

Daddy approached slowly.  “You don’t have to worry about the goshawfuls.  It seems they can take care of themselves.”

“What did you see?” Kimberly Mae asked.

“I saw a three foot long hot dog, in a bun, with ketchup and mustard on it.  The goshawfuls had it on a long picnic table.  They were eating it.”

“But they had to time to cook it!” Christopher shouted!

“Goshawfuls aren’t like humans,” Daddy said.  “They don’t need to cook their food, or use knives and forks, or use --  napkins.”

“Ewwww!” Kimberly Mae screeched.  “They are really gosh awful!”

“What’s Mrs. Foster going to say when she finds out the snake died?”

“Don’t worry, kids,” Daddy said.  “I’ll buy her a dozen snakes if she wants.”

“Kimberly Mae,” Christopher said, “you said you were hungry.  I got a chocolate bar in the van.  You want it?”

“No,” she said.  “I’ve lost my appetite.”  She put her hand on her tummy.  “I don’t think I’ll eat any hot dogs any time soon either.   We’d better brainstorm to try to think of a way to get rid of them forever.  I’m going to think and think!”  Kimberly Mae said.

“You do that, Kimberly Mae.”  Daddy said, “But remember, summer vacation is over.  School starts tomorrow.  You have to get a good night’s sleep so you’ll be ready for your first day in class.”

“The first day of class is tomorrow!  Oh, no!  I forgot to prepare!”

“What’s to prepare?” Daddy asked.  “You have your school supplies and new school clothes.  You just show up!”

“No, I don’t mean ‘prepare’ that way!  You just don’t understand!  I have some serious planning to do!”

“Okay.  Let’s go back to the hotel.   Everyone!  Back into the van.”

When they got back to the hotel, Kimberly Mae sat down with pencil and paper to plan her day.  For, whereas some people dread it when summer vacation is over, for Kimberly Mae the first day is very special.  Everyone in the school  looks to her to see what she will do.  On the first day of school two years ago, she put a frog in the teacher’s desk.  When the drawer was opened, it sprang out.  Mrs. Foster, the teacher screamed so loud, the principal and vice principal, both, came running to see what was the matter.  They found Mrs. Foster standing on her desk, panting with her heart pounding hard.

Then, last year, Kimberly Mae outdid herself.  She sprinkled sneezing powder on Mrs. Foster’s teaching book.  The first time she opened it, she went ‘Aaaaah Choooo!’  Kimberly Mae thought that was great!  Every time she sneezed or blew her nose that day, the kids giggled.

So Kimberly Mae thought and thought.  Finally she had a plan. She knew what would bother her teacher this year. The next day, she showed up early and stood in front of the school to greet old friends.

“Hello, Kimberly Mae,” Regina said.  “Are you in Mrs. Foster’s class again?  I am!”

“Yeah!  I am!  Hey, you wanna help me with this year’s joke?”

“Sure!  What do I do?”

“Here, take a straw,” she said, as she handed one to her.

“Oh, I get it,” she said.  “You’re planning a ‘shotgun blast,’ aren’t you?”

“Yep!  And it will happen all at the same time.”

“Cool!”

That’s how it went with Brian Dobbs and Mike Casey and all the others she met.  They each wanted to help.  So did Christopher.  The moment came.  The kids were all in class, very quiet and looking like angels.  The bell rang and Mrs. Foster turned to address the class.  She was wearing a dark, black dress, and her black rimmed glasses.  She had on dark red lip stick and high heeled shoes.  She had a look on her face that was enough to frighten any kid into submission!

“Good morning class.  I hope you are all ready for class today,” she said.  “It is a privilege to be able to teach you all three years in a row.  This year we’re going to learn math, science, and English.  You’ll all be well educated before I am through with you!”

“Wow!  What a threat,” Kimberly Mae thought.  “I can’t allow her to carry out such a dastardly plan!”   But she couldn’t do a thing while the teacher had that face turned toward the class.  That stern, commanding face, that chilled every spine it met, kept them in line.  Then, finally, she turned her back to the class to write something on the chalk board.   Then Kimberly Mae gave the signal.  Everyone in the whole class took out a straw and shot a spit wad at the black board.  That is, everyone except Kimberly Mae.

Mrs. Foster spun around!  “Boys and girls!  Boys and girls!  What have you done?  Kimberly Mae!  This must be your doing!  Get up here!  Come here right now!  Give me your shooter right now!”  Kimberly Mae ‘s heart started to pound.  This was not turning out like she thought it would.

“But, Mrs. Foster!  I’m the only one in the entire class who has no shooter.  I am innocent!”

                “Kimberly Mae, you didn’t participate, but you sure planned it!  You’re the most gosh awful student in the entire school.  You may not have shot one, but you planned it!  You planned it for sure!  Do you think I forgot about the sneezing powder and the frog?  I was expecting something today.  You have to stop being so gosh awful!”

Then Mrs. Foster took her yard stick.  She was so angry, she slammed it across the top of Kimberly Mae’s desk, making a loud whack.  Then she said the scariest  words in the galaxy. “Because you did this, you are going to do busywork all today and all tomorrow!  This will teach you that gosh awful kids are not welcome here!”

“But I didn’t shoot a single spit wad!  I am innocent!  You have no proof,” Kimberly Mae said, starting to cry.

“That’s right, Kimberly Mae,” the teacher said.  Then she paused to think for a second.  Suddenly she grinned, “You didn’t shoot a wad, and I don’t have proof that you planned it.  But everyone else did shoot spit wads.  So everyone else will do busywork today and tomorrow.  Everyone except for you.  You will sit and draw pictures with crayons.  And only you will go out to recess.  You, and you alone.”

That stung.  Kimberly Mae went back to her seat.  The entire class was quiet.  Everyone was looking right at her.  Kimberly Mae knew she went over the line, this time.  Everyone was being punished because of her.  The fact that she was not punished, but required to do something fun, made it worse.  It meant the entire class was taking the rap for her.  Mrs. Foster had Kimberly Mae check mated.  When Mrs.  Foster turned her back, Kimberly Mae turned toward Christopher.  She started to mouth the words, “It was worth it,” to him, but he shook his head.  She could do nothing that day, or the next, but feel the pain of having let her class mates down.  She underestimated Mrs. Foster.  Her teacher won this time.

“I swear I’ll never do another gosh-awful thing again,” she said to herself.  “From this point forward, I’ll be good.”  That evening and the next evening she went to the hotel very heart broken.  She went into their suite with a very sad frown on her face.

 “What’s wrong with Kimberly Mae?” Mommy asked Daddy when she saw her.

“Mrs. Foster called and told me about the prank she played in school.  Kimberly Mae’s punishment must really be taking hold.”

“Kimberly Mae,” Mommy said.  “Come here please.”

She came. “Yes ma’am?”

“Tell me.  Did you learn anything from what happened in school about gosh-awful behavior?”

 Kimberly Mae started to think.  “Hmmmmm.  She did something which made me feel real bad.  Hmmmm.  I think I might have an Idea.”  Then Kimberly Mae shouted, “I have it!  I know how to get rid of the Goshawfuls!”

“How, Kimberly Mae?” Daddy asked.  “What’s your idea?  Are you going to shoot spit wads at them?” he said, half-jokingly.

“Just take me to the store!  Then take me to the farm.”

“Okay!” said Daddy.  “I’m so desperate, I’m willing to try anything.”

So the whole family rode in the van to the store.   There, Kimberly Mae got a black dress, a yard stick, and some makeup.  “I’m dressing up like Mrs.  Foster, just like on Halloween,” she said.  Then they went to the farm.   The farm looked quite different.  Like the Fibble Wibble said, the Goshawfuls had taken all of the gorka from underground and spread it on the surface as a way of messing things up.  Gorka was piled four feet high.  And, although there were no guards to protect it, the fences were high, and the stench, itself, was enough to keep thieves away.

There she was.  She had on a small gas mask, a black dress, a yard stick, and carried a mega phone.

“Do you know what you are doing, Kimberly Mae?” Daddy asked.

“Don’t worry, Daddy,” she said.  “If this works, it will work right away.  If it doesn’t, no harm is done.”

She marched right up to the center of the farm yard and stood on top of a big pile of gorka, then shouted into the mega phone.  “All right you Goshawfuls!  Listen to me and listen good!  You’re the most goshawful critters in the entire word!”  She started to hear giggles coming out of the ground.  “Stop that laughter!  You are not going to do this any more!  I am fed up!”   Then she slammed a mound of gorka with the yard stick - WHAM!  “Now listen carefully and take notes!  There will be a test later today!  When you halve a half you have a fourth!” she said.  “Fractions, fractions, fractions!  Listen up and sit up straight!  You have to halve a forth to have an eighth.”  WHAM went the yard stick on another pile of gorka.  Bits of gorka flew everywhere.

Then she grabbed her mask and took it off!  She didn’t inhale (so as not to get nauseated) but revealed that same face that Mrs. Foster had.   Those same piercing eyes, and that sneer that sent chills down the spine of her students  - the face that drove every child into submission!  She aimed her face and laser eyes in all directions.  She heard gasps from the Fibble Wibble holes, then the entire farm went silent.  “It’s  working!” she said to herself.  Then she went in for the kill.  “From now on, until you have stopped being so gosh awful, you are going to do . . .” she hesitated for dramatic effect, then yelled as loudly as she could - “BUSYWORK!”

“Gaaaaasssssp!” she heard.  Then shouts, “No!  Not that!”  She put on her gas mask just in time so as not to faint from the smell.  Then she saw hundreds and thousands of Goshawfuls come out of the holes and run like the wind!  Kimberly Mae started chasing them, yelling, “Busywork!  Busywork!  Busywork! - for all eternity!” and whammed her yard stick against mounds of gorka, until she saw the last of them head back toward the dump.

When Kimberly Mae got back to her family, they all were cheering.  “You did it!  Kimberly Mae!  You saved the farm!”

“The farm Isn’t saved exactly yet,” she replied.  “It is still just a big pile of stink and gorka now.  There isn’t a living plant on any of the thirty acres.  It’s ruined!”

“Hopefully,” Daddy said, “With no  Goshawfuls around, the stench will start to fade.”        Sure enough, after three weeks, no one needed a gas mask to walk on the farm. After another week, the Fibble Wibbles were able to start cleaning house.  Huge piles of mess were taken from the tunnels.  Men with big trash trucks came to haul it all away.  In the following month, everything was cleaned.

“Are we ready to go home now, Daddy?” Kimberly Mae asked.

“We sure are!” he answered.  “The Doobebe family is able to go back into the farm house at last!”

“Yay!” the kids shouted.

Daddy went to Mr. McJagger, the hotel owner.  “Well, sir, it looks like we’re all ready to leave.”

“Yes, Mr. Doobebe.  And it was very nice having you.  I’ve made far more profit than I have in a dozen years.  You business is very welcome.”

“Thank you for your kind words,” Daddy said.  “Also, here, let me give you a tip.”  Daddy took out a $500 gold piece.  “It’s yours.  You see, I feel awfully sorry about the six occasions where the Fibble Wibbles raided your kitchen.”

“Oh, think nothing of it, Mr. Doobebe, you paid for the food anyway.”

“Yes, but still, there was that one occasion that the Didly Squats . . .”

“Oh, please don’t say it, Mr. Doobebe,” he interrupted.  “It was embarrassing enough without my being reminded. But all that is forgotten.”