Feels like I haven't blogged in awhlie.  Maybe that's a good thing since I always blog when something is bothering me and that's why I'm back here right now.  I'm trying to figure out what this all means, if anything, here is what is bugging me. 

       Last night I had a pretty vivid dream about this guy I was totally in love with from the day I first saw him in first grade.  I'll give my experience with him first.  Now I remember in first grade I liked him because I thought he was the cutest boy in my class and I would talk to him to try to get him to like me.  In second or third grade we used to go play basketball together, sometimes just him and I.  I remember one kid making fun of us that we liked each other or something, and I secretly liked that.  I remember at night I'd ask God that we'd end up together and get married, and I asked for that for a very long time.  I also remember him being nice to me, like one day my mom had dressed me up in a dress and I brought a small purse, I felt really prissy and girly.  I didn't want to ruin our friendship, so I was trying to hide my purse and he just said he'd look after it so I could shoot some hoops.  After that we ended up sitting by each other a lot in other grades, in 4th grade I told him I liked him, but so did a lot of other girls.  He was still nice to me though, and this was a time when I felt very left out.  After that I didn't see much of him till middle school.  We were in a computer and math class together, and he wasn't as nice to me anymore.  In high school, we were in the same math class, and I helped him cheat on the tests cause he always needed help.  I was just happy he would talk to me.  During that time I lost a lot of weight and started to dress nicer.  I remember he made a comment about it, because we somehow ended up sitting by each other again, I didn't hear what he said, but right after he said it he said he was really sorry and didn't mean it and he gave me a hug.  That was the only time he'd ever touched me.  I remember other little things too, such as a friend knowing how long I had liked him, told me I'd have him one day, and also I had a dream that he'd end up in another of my classes and the next day he walked in.  I didn't see him much after that class, though one day I was in the library at lunch time, and he came and sat by me and asked if I'd help him with his biology, of course I said sure.  I never had a chance to interact with him after that. 

    Anyway, I'd like to think I had given up on him, even though it's crazy I wanted him for so long when I was younger.  I think about every year or so, or months go by before I do at least, I mean it's been 5 years since we graduated high school, since I've even seen him.  So back to my dream.  I swear I haven't thought about him in a very long time, but out of no where last night I dreamt about him.  So in my dream I ran into him for some meeting I had to get to and I guess he had to be there too.  I remember feeling so happy to see him.  He was being nice, yet distant like I usually remember him treating me.  It was also like we were on a school bus and I was sitting behind him and he'd talk to me every once and awhile.  I tried to make some moves on him and we kissed.  It was nice and then we had stuff to do in the dream and it was like he was always distracted from me.  I remember one part where I finally had his attention and he said it wouldn't work out, but it didn't exactly feel that way, there was hope or something.  

     Well tonight I'm not to tired yet, and I was bored so I looked him up.  Turns out he's a professional baseball player now, which blew me away.  I think that had always been his dream, and I'm happy yet surprised it worked out for him, just always seemed like a dream that he'd actually get there, but he did.  Now I feel really conflicted.  What's it all mean?  I can see some themes I guess.  I'm always attracted to guys who look a certain way, and I usually do whatever they want and give them what they want.  Lately I'm trying to learn to stick up for myself and do things for me.  Maybe I'm trying to tell myself that it's time to let that go now and see that I'm just as good as anyone else.  It's like any guy I've liked before was someone who wasn't equal to me, but a trophy.  It's time to stop thinking that way.  It upsets me though, it brings back all my inadiquecies and sadness from that time in school.  Then I turn to how him and a lot of the people I went to school with came from rich families and were popular and pretty.  How come they have it all and obviously still have it all?  He doesn't seem to be the only one who is doing well. 

     I miss that time that i spent with him, he made me feel accepted and special, when a lot of those kids only saw how different I looked.  I think part of it is he can be a nice person and he felt sorry for me.  This is very hard stuff to get over and I never would have thought that it still has a huge impact on me now, that perhaps my sadness from my early years in school is where all my probelms came from.  I do hope he's happy, I don't know what he's like now, and part of me isn't into him at all anymore.  It just seems I can't get over whatever my connection is to him and it feels like I'll never know what it is exactly.  I wonder if anyone who reads this see's something I'm not?  I'm all eyes.