For months i couldn't sign in. For a while I kept trying to come back here to write my thoughts but for some reason I couldn't sign in. Then I just stopped trying. This morning I was going through some email from long ago and there was soulcast...and so here I am again. I've been writing in a journal at home, which I intend to burn when my notebook is complete but sometimes it helps to write things down.
So much has happened since I was here last. For over 5 months now my husband and I have been living seperately. I just couldn't take it anymore. I'd like to say that I'm happy but that's not exactly the word for it. In so many ways I am so incrediably sad.....but there is a different kind of peace now. Oh there is still so much resentment that I keep trying to get past. Each time I realize that I am not really needed there is a stab of pain that hurts my heart. I really thought that I meant more to him than I realize I actually do. At first I wanted him to come around, see what he was throwing away. But he is who he is and I was so stupid to think that maybe I could change that. Inside I knew he wouldn't change, but that does nothing to excape the feeling that he threw our life away.
He's gone on with his life. He does exactly what he was doing when I asked him to go...actually I didn't ask him, I locked him out of the house then dropped off his things where he was staying.
There has been so much time to think about this. A friend of mine told me to be certain that this was what I really wanted. He told me to make sure because it was a big step. But, no one can realize it was a step that I was forced to make. I step that is helping to save me, even if I don't feel that mostly.
I feel like this world is just spinning by me so fast but I am standing still. I feel like I am waiting to live. I get up and do the things I have to do, shower, work, clean, I even laugh....but my heart is not living. It's hard after almost thirty years to live. Years of walking on eggshells, years of waiting, and crying and spending most of that time wondering what I was doing wrong.
Thank God for my friends, because talking to them really helps. But they are not here all these lonely nights when I need someone around, just someone to "be" with. My friends cannot stop me from wondering what He is doing and where he is....but when I am with them it all seems ok....I guess on the outside.
The throwing me away thing seems to keep going through my head. That single thought of how I wasn't that much to him. So apparently, I must not be all that much to anyone. All those time he said, "I Love You, I don't wanna hurt you....." It's funny how they are only words, but once they are spoken they seem to mean so much.......Yet.....nothing at all.
I guess it will take time. I only wish that it was on my side. Sometimes I feel so old and lost. and Lonely.....I guess I could go find a lover, someone to take that away, but I'm really not ready for that. I look and consider but I am far too choosy. That guy I used to write about, fantasize about, he turned out to be a dick. haaaa...actually he is a really nice guy, but he has his issues too. We don't talk anymore but I guess that only goes to show you....me...I cannot put my faith in someone other than me.....It's hard to open up a heart that's been broken.
I know this is not unique. I know there are so many people feeling this kind of hurt......but that's not really a comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Cause I surely feel alone.
So he called me today....speaking so kindly about having the hose faucet fixed....then telling me how he went to races last night ....and I got angry and told him not to worrry about my faucet. It's this circle thing...He has no right to speak to me so kind. It's so much easier not to talk to him at all......why can't he just leave me alone. Let me get over him......let me put the pieces back together.
Well I guess it's time for a shower and time to do something. i can't help but feel I'm walking through a fog and not knowing where I'm going.....
