There are things that I can't stand about him and I know that these are workable things, but what if I don't want him to change these things. I don't want to change him just because I can't stand these things, that is how and what he is.
I honestly want someone who can take care of me, but I feel that I am the one doing the taking care of. I don't want to be the one wearing the pants in the relationship, but with the way things are going, it seems that I'll be forever in those trousers.
I want someone who will make my day brighter even though I've been stressed out from work. I want someone who I can talk to, not just about what happens with his friends or my friends, I want someone whom I can have a conversation with, not just all the mushy stuff, but the geeky and awkward stuff as well. I want someone whom I can learn a lot from, and someone who I share a lot in common with.
I'm beginning to see that the only thing that me and my boyfriend share in common is our sex drive, but I'm beginning to dwindle on that part too. I know that he loves me, and he told me that a million times, even though I don't reciprocate that much in words. But I feel that love is not enough.
I don't know, I'm really confused. I lashed out on him a couple of hours ago because he was late for our date and didn't have any money with him. I lost my temper because everything went wrong today, my phone died on me, my tasks tripled for the week, and I had it up to here with my deadlines, and all I needed was someone who, I don't know.
I'm really confused and tired, but I can't rest because I have a presentation tomorrow. All I wanted was just time to be with my boyfriend even for a couple of hours to relieve my stress, but I lost my temper, and it got the best of me.
Maybe I also got fed up with the fact that whenever we go to my apartment all he wants to do is have sex, or the fact that he keeps using my stuff, or that he is used to borrowing stuff from me. I mean, of course, there's nothing wrong with sharing, arrrg, I'm just confused as hell. I just want to blow off some steam.
I know it is not his fault if sometimes he prioritizes his friends because they are like his family. I even remember getting mad because he moved our date from 6pm to 11pm because he had to visit his friend at the hospital. I know it was foolish and even selfish of me to get mad. I also remember that during that day, I had to be on-site having meetings and interviews, and just getting stressed. All I wanted that day was to go out with him after a day's work and unwind and just forget about work, but things like being late gets in the way.
I know it is wrong for me to be jealous of his friends, and I wouldn't want to restrict him from seeing his friends, and in fact, I hadn't said a thing about that because I wouldn't want to impose on him. But I can't help but feel that I am only second fiddle to his friends.
I am just confused and mad at myself and at him. I am no saint either. I've been too busy with work, and I admit not saying "I love you", and I admit to forgetting our monthsary (though I hadn't been caught about that, ever), and of course, there's this incident when I made out with my college friend just for kicks.
Obviously we have a problem, or rather, I have a problem, and we need to talk about it, but the question is, do I want things to still work out between us? I don't know. I really know.
Just venting all the negativity,
Jackie
