how do you keep from feeling so alone in this world? I can be surrounded by people but still feel lonely.

how do you get close to someone? whenever I open up and really share my feelings, the response is "boo who to you," and quite frankly, I don't understand how anyone can be so rude when someone bares their soul to you. I'm tired of opening up to only be rejected. It's a huge risk, and maybe because I don't want to feel dejected, rejected, down, alone...maybe I am finding it harder to take the risk. but no matter what you do, RISK or No Risk, I feel alone.

I just don't know how anymore. how to do what's right for me. As soon as I think I've got it figured out, I don't. It's like I fail and I'm back to square one. Back to being fifth wheel, or third wheel, just odd woman out. Life sometimes just feels like a joke. It's a game. It's everybody's duty to persevere and not be victim. how can I not victimize myself when I fight it alone? i can only be so strong and supportive for myself. it's exhausting and sometimes I just want to give up. is it worth it? does the fight ever get a little easier or fun?

I see my younger friends that have it all. They've got the GUY, like the BEST one for them. Or vice versa. These young men and women have everything going for them. I have never felt that I have everything going for me. I am the underdog that is fighting against all odds. Can I make it? will I get my degree? will my dream career work? I dream at night that maybe it works, but I don't know. And I'm scared, how NOT to be? It almost seems worse when I think I'm alone. I can be homeless in an instant. I would not survive because I just cannot do what all those that live on the streets have to do. They HAVE to do it. I don't know, maybe if I HAD TO I could do it.

will I find it? will I find HIM, as in MY GUY? I'm happy for my male and female peers that have found THE ONE, but I cannot help but ask will that ever be me? Will these people get to attend my wedding one day?

maybe I've been too focused on the battle to allow myself the pleasure of having fun with a guy. We all struggle balancing things, maybe I haven't figured it out yet. will I?

I got out of high school, with only having one boyfriend. Very brief relationship, not even a full two weeks. He was too needy, too touchy feely. I've never been touchy feely, I never saw that or experienced that before. He scared me coming up behind me and because he wouldn't stop I told him no more. I got out of high school with blood, bruises, pain. All friendships ended, not one person cared despite my efforts and I had spilt a lot of my soul with these people. It hurt to be rejected by so many all at once. I moved on and got my associates degree, and despite making a few friends, after getting that degree, poof! gone. Life was repeating itself.

Since then, I've gone away to a college that didn't feel right from the start. After many challenges, more pain and lonliness that hurt more than ever before, many rejections after more soul-baring (you'd think I would have learned), I just couldn't do it anymore. I dropped out and was literally lost, downtrodden, depressed, scared, apathetic, incomplete, pained. For months (5) I was stuck in this state. For 2 months after I applied at 30 places for work. Followed up a lot, finally got a job. The pay was poor and I thought that my life was over, but at least I had a job and my parents could stop making me feel worse. But it all didn't matter.

My boss at that job noticed I started to read. I would bring books to skim on my breaks, just for something different to do. He started having me edit letters and emails and compose business emails to international partners. After 6 months, by which point I had already applied to college (state), I needed break before starting back up again. This is it, I can have no more do-overs, It's do NOW or be a loser that couldn't get B.A. degree that will have no choice but to live with parents until they decide to no longer want me and kick me to the curb. They already kicked my to curb, metaphorically speaking, so what more can I do but FIGHT ON?

While I think I'm on the right quest finally, I don't know. I think this is what everybody goes through at some point. I'm maybe experiencing my quarter-life crisis a year early. But I'm scared and don't have support system. Yes, I have parents, but we are not a family that has emotional connections, which makes me sad and jealous of my friends that are fortuate to have that. I look at my younger friends and their parents and wonder why I couldn't have been born their sister and been a part of something as special as that?

I'm sorry I've rambled on so, but here I am with my heart on my sleeve. Just a girl in spirit and soul, hoping for that connection. The connection I see in those younger friends of mine that I feel blessed to see when I do see them. I'm tearing up, so I'll come back soon. I just would like to know how people do it, how they live alone?

I've said too much, and for that I am sorry. But I shouldn't feel sorry, this much I do know.