I have hesitated to write this blog. I can't decide if it makes me sound snotty, or defensive or what! But I'm going to put it out there and I want everyone to know that I am doing so in the spirit of showing gratitude to my friends.
I love my friends. In RL and online. They are part of the reason I persevere when I have setbacks. It's enough for me to just know that if I really needed to, I could call, email or reach out and they would be there for me.
But .......
I think some of my friends are under the impression that I have become the victim of bad people and things. That people have done or said bad things and that I'm somehow wounded and need someone to defend me against these bad people. I'm NOT talking specifically, but about my life in general the past few years.
I think this misconception is arrived at because of the style in which I treat setbacks and attacks. My first reaction when there is a possibility that I'm being attacked is to communicate a protest. A lot of people perceive this as being weak or vulnerable. When in OZ one of the silly things I shared with Lu was that I am very likely to yell "Oooow!" long before someone touches or strikes me in a really painful way. Some people call that over reaction, I call it forewarning. I think I respond the same way to emotional hurts, laying out the hurt before it becomes too painful to communicate it.
It's moments like this that my friends will come running to defend me. It makes me teary eyed just thinking about how loving and wonderful they are that way. I do appreciate it, really, but before you lop off someone's head or castrate someone, please ask me if I need or want the help. I'm tougher than I look or would have you see me.
How can I grow as a person if I don't have to fix my problems? I will always want you to back me up, but I need to build the confidence to deal with my issues by actually dealing with them myself. If I end up beat up and discouraged from the "battle", know that I will gladly run to you for a real or virtual hug. If I do find that I don't have enough strength I will ask for help.
If this doesn't make sense to you, I'm sorry. I think there are a number of people who will understand it though. Thank you.
