May I begin this by saying no, I do not want to suddenly find myself alone. I'm quite happy with things right now and don't want any changes, certainly not bad ones. But...if something happened to my wife, I would never remarry nor would I live with someone else. It would be more likely a square and chartreuse moon to rise next month.
In the last ten or so years, I've watched what happened to several people after losing their mate. Two men I knew, one in fifties and one seventy remarried. The young one got a bitch that won't allow him to see his own child, the other spends life complaining about how new wife isn't like old wife. My best friend and I were amazed they remarried in the first place.
Another case that lasted over a long period of time was a friend of my in-laws who was quite well off financially. She remarried in her late fifties and was still a vibrant woman with personality and dreams. She spent the last eighteen years of her life taking care of an impolite, resentful, selfish, and finally ill old bastard. Within a year of his death, she died.
I know a few others in their fifties and sixties who took the other route, one being a best friend. Like most of the rest of us they married young, some had multiple marriages, all raised their kids and went through the trials of life. After losing their spouse, they did not remarry.
These are the graceful ones. They did not load themselves with the family and baggage of another later in life. They are active, some date, but the best part is that they live life as they wish and are happy with it. They smile and they are comfortable, and it applies to the ones without much money.
I've talked to my wife about this. She is a strong girl, not a needy person. And she understands why I don't want her to remarry when I go to eternal land.
She knows I will want her to be happy. She won't be rich, but she will be quite comfortable. She can do as she wishes, by being active, dating, traveling, and then go back to her own home the way she wants it and raise golden retriever puppies (she's mentioned that).
I've noticed more men wanting to remarry later in life than women. I think they want to be serviced with food, housekeeping, laundry, an occasional roll in the hay, and have a caregiver. In other words, they are lazy. Many women on the other hand realize they don't want to be that caregiver. The ones that do remarry seem to be worried financially.
The golden years should be enjoyed, at least as much as possible. Like spoiling grandkids and then going home and leave the parents with the problems. If one loses the other, a good and pleasing life of the remaining years can be had but only through careful choices and remarrying is the most important of all. Some late marriages work, I realize that, but I don't see it often. Its like many young marriages, they look good on the outside.
I don't expect people to agree with this. But it doesn't matter.
I know what the hell I'm talking about.
beyondtheveil posted on May 13, 2009
| views: 212
Comments
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queenparanoia said on May 13, 2009....
well it's better to be alone and happy than to be with someone and feel lonely...
besides you have the internet, so you wouldnt be lonely... ;-)
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secretlife said on May 13, 2009....
I happen to agree with you.But i've seen men who say they would never remarry, remarry pretty damn fast....my mom's worst nightmare was her dying before my father and him remarrying.lolas fate would have it, it didn't happen that way.men get lonely i think. many don't know or aren't used to taking care of themselves. i've seen many men remarry. and some don't even wait a year to begin to look again. there are several fellows in their late 60's in my own family that this is true for. they move away from their families----to begin again with a woman. i don't know if they're happy or not.my mother's brother's wife died when she was 66.....they had been married for 45 yrs. he waited 3 years, met a woman 30 years younger, and they had a relationship for 18 yrs until his death. she traveled with him all over the world--- and they built a beautiful house on a golf course together.....when he died she got that house, but his 10 children got the rest of his fortune.i've seen women come out of the woodwork to try to "date" my first boss when his wife died of pancreatic cancer at 55. he was just ready to retire, and it was funny to watch him get to much attention. he married a woman he thought had alot of money. she thought he had alot. the reality of it was both didn't have much. they are pretty miserable.....i think it could work....i don't quite understand why people want to marry again- i mean you can live together and travel together without benefit of marriage. it gets so messy with kids and grandkds and homes, etc. personally i don't think i'll ever marry again beyond; whether it be from a divorce or death----i've done it once, and i think that's more than enough. i like men. i like their company, but i would also like my own life...to do my own thing.just as a contrast, i have had 6 aunts widowed. 2 for more than 30 years. they never even thought of remarrying, and never even dated.....i think women are made very different than men. -
uniquely-ironic said on May 13, 2009....
This hits close to home for me. I'm not in my 50s or 60s (or older) but I am almost at that tipping point. No, my spouse didn't die, but I am single. I do contemplate whether or not I would ever want to join myself permanently to someone else. Of course if the right person came along I think I might. But the odds of this happening are slim since we tend to become settled in our habits the older we get, and thereby unable or unwilling to accomodate someone new. -
beyondtheveil said on May 13, 2009....
queenie- That's very true. One of my sayings also.
secret- I do agree men are more apt to become lonely. Throughout life men should know how to do a load of laundry, cook a meal, clean a house. The ones that don't are those who wish to be continually served by the woman and are probably the worst marriage possibilities. They are also lazy. It is true women are very different than men when it comes to this topic and it benefits them greatly.
unique- If you are at the tipping point of fifty, I'd guess you are in your forties. This is an age I wouldn't expect a lot of people to not remarry. The fifties are a breaking point in my opinion where much thought should come in to whether a person wants to 'start over', so to speak. It is true we become set in our ways, want different things from life as time goes by. I think later in life is not a time to gamble away those remaining years.
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beyondtheveil said on May 13, 2009....
secret- Something I forgot to mention, when you said people can 'live together' they have to consider common law marriage. My state has it. I worked with a guy who lost his wife and moved in with a girlfriend. She had some money and owned the nice home they live in so he was required to pay her a certain amount by check as 'rent'. This kept her holdings intact for her children in case something happened to her. -
Lucytorial said on May 13, 2009....
Beyond ~ I am so in love with my husband that I couldn't bare to replace him. Sounds funny but I really don't think that late in life I would want to. Perhaps a companion, someone to share things with but truly late life re marriage doesn't feel right... I got a long way to go and my husband is 12 yrs older than me, who knows what I will want later in lfe. Right now I can't see it. -
Hegemone said on May 13, 2009....
Well, from the examples given, that does make sense. I've got a long way to go, but even as a person in a fairly new marriage and still young ... I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to remarry if this one doesn't work out. I know what it was to be single and not an adult, I now am learning what it is to be married and an adult. I still haven't really had a lot of time to experience life as a single adult. I mean, we got married when we were 21. We started dating when we were 18-19 (him 18, me 19). I had a couple of brief flings, but nothing serious and only a couple. So, I have a feeling that if this one doesn't work out ... I'm going to use that time to sow my oats and make myself happy, not worrying about anybody else, even if I'm 80 years old and we've had a long happy life providing us with children and grand children and so on. As it is now, I'm happy with the way things are, but I will not throw away a second chance to experience something new if the occasion arises. -
alabamagirl said on May 13, 2009....
If I die before my husband, I want him to remarry. Find someone to love him, to help him get over his pain. It will keep him grounded. He would be lost without anyone by his side and I don't want that for him. Me, on the other hand. Hard to say. Marriage is very hard, much more than I expected, not that it doesn't come with its rewards, but I don't think I would remarry. I'm independent, enjoy my alone time and pretty low maintenance. If my husband goes, I'll probably be that old women with the cats everyone in the neighborhood talks about. I'd mess with them, creep them out sometimes and laugh about it. Guess I'm loco, wait, no.....I'm too young to be going crazy this early! -
HollyGoLightly said on May 13, 2009....
*beyond*~~ i think you are quite right that this happens so often, especially with men... i have seen it so many times in people i've known...my friend's grandfather, after losing his wife, somehow hooked up with a prostitute...she moved in, moved all her druggie friends in, took him and his for everything they had, and neglected him to the point that she nearly killed him...thank goodness, my friend's family did catch it "in time"...but unfortunately not before she had accomplished all of the above...sometimes the loneliness in people causes them to make poor, rash decisions...this happens whether they are young or old...but especially i think, after the shock of losing one's "lifemate"...
my brother-in-law is only 32 or so...he has a lovely philosophy, something like yours, and wise beyond years it seems...he told me years ago, that he married for LIFE...not just HIS life, but HERS as well...in other words, if she died...he believes that spiritually, she still lives, and by that, has "life"...in which case, he will consider them as ALWAYS married, on into the afterlife...i think that is simply beautiful...he married her at 19, she was 32...and they have been happily married for over 13 years...
this is lovely (btw)~~
*~*Holly*~*
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beyondtheveil said on May 13, 2009....
lucy- I'm a number of years older than my wife too and don't take care of myself like I should is why I'll go first. You're a bit young to be considering it anyway, but having a companion later is fine in my view.
hege- If things didn't work out, some time in between marriages is always good. Also a good time to sow those oats. Both my wife and I are in second marriages, by the way.
alabam- Some men, and my father-in-law is one, must be married. He's the one I've talked about before that put the tv dinner in the oven still in the cardboard box. They'll kill themselves. There are guys who just can't function without it. And marriage is hard, too hard to start another later in life in my opinion. Cats are ok though, I think old ladies with cats are funny.
holly- So sad about your friend's grandfather. I guess you're right, he was lonely or through grief having a mid-life crisis. Men can get really vulnerable sometimes. I'd like your borther-in-law. I feel that way about my wife.
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sweetsoul said on May 13, 2009....
I hear you, but it's not always that way. My Dad remarried in his 70s, shortly after my Mom died, to a woman not much older than I am. They'd known each other decades before, but Dad was married so nothing happened then. They'll be married 10 years soon and as far as I can see, it's the best thing that happened to both of them. It may be rare, but it's possible.oh and my Dad is quite capable of doing the laundry, cooking a meal, and keeping his place tidy. He doesn't do it now, but that's his wife's choice. -
travelr712 said on May 13, 2009....
don't know if i'll ever marry again or not. every time i say one way or the other about a subject like this, i always end up doing the opposite. so i'll just say yes i am / am not ever going to marry again :-) -
fragglesrock said on May 13, 2009....
dammit beyond :( this is a very sweet and truthful post and now i have to go and sully it all up...i'm let down, i was very sure that i was gong to marry you if the situation ever came about :) (i hope you know that i wish you and mrs. beyond to live happily) -
beyondtheveil said on May 13, 2009....
sweet- Its always good to hear a happy story like this. I know it can happen and I'm sure there are quite a few. I can do all those chores too, learned them in my single days.
trav- Aw go ahead. Do it. Think of the posts you'd have for SC.
fraggles- Man, what an age difference that would be. Thanks for the wish.
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diabolicdame said on May 13, 2009....
My maternal grampa never remarried.. my granny passed away in her fifties.. that was 8 years ago I think.. although I can see how losing her has left him with a but of a void, all my little cousins aged 5-10 have kept him occupied and he enjoys them really.. all his kids, my mum and her brothers have tried to be there for him as much as possible. I think he's happy. He has his friends and they take trips now and then.. he lives a really full life. This topic is really difficult.. I dont want to ever lose a loved one.. nobody does.. but thats life huh.
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beyondtheveil said on May 14, 2009....
diabo- I think that void he feels would be there even if he remarried, so probably better this way. He sounds active and fulfilled, that's what counts. -
travelr712 said on May 14, 2009....
well, first i have to finish school btv, then i need to get a job, then i need to save up a little money, then i need to meet someone... holy crap! i really AM starting over, aren't i? -
beyondtheveil said on May 14, 2009....
trav- I agree completely you need to do all those things before hand. Who knows, after you finish school, get a good job, and have money you may find single life isn't so bad after all. There's something to be said about freedom also. -
HollyGoLightly said on May 14, 2009....
*beyond*~~was just thinking on this...and although my marriage ended long ago (divorce, not death...) and i have had many proposals between then and now, i've never quite been brave enough to take the plunge...obviously my situation is very different from your own in that way...however, i'm not ruling anything out, as i still hold the fairy-tale of "happily-ever-after" in my heart (you know us girls, we grow up with the cinderella syndrome...lol) and as sure i am sometimes that we are meant to go it alone, that's just how sure i am at other times that i don't want to grow old alone...
perhaps the difference lies in that you have experienced what long-term marriage (with all the ups and downs, all the good and sometimes not so good, all the perseverance through the tough times) holds...it is a total contentment, i'm sure, hard won, no doubt, but complete. i'm always in awe of those who have found "the one" and managed to make it work, as these days it seems, people change partners with the quickness of changing a toilet paper roll...lol..
how lucky you are to have that for your life, and my congratulations to you and your beautiful wife...as it is a rare thing in these times to have that long-term commitment!!
*~*Holly*~*
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travelr712 said on May 14, 2009....
single life isn't bad at all btv. sure, i get a little lonely once in awhile, but even that has mostly faded, because i've made a few really good friends who i spend time with every day, so i'm not totally isolated. i've also gotten over the feeling that i 'need a woman in my life to be complete'. that may sound like a 'woman thing', but men feel it just the same when they're not involved in a relationship. so sure, i may stay single, i'm happy that way. i can do what i want when i want, go where i want, spend or not spend money when and how i want, and i'm responsible to and for no one but myself. that's not a half bad way to live :-) -
beyondtheveil said on May 14, 2009....
holly- You are young yet, plenty of time to find the right one. The divorce behind you gives wisdom for next time. Both of us had the wisdom gained from a divorce and we both also knew what we were looking for. It was much different than how we made our first choice than the second. And as far as growing old alone, I can tell you outlooks change with the years.
Let me add this just for the heck of it. You mentioned the changing of toilet paper. When we were first married she got disgruntled about me not putting on a new roll, so she knitted a plaque of a woman standing with hands on hips with the words "Do only women have the skill, the toilet paper to refill?" I've been changing rolls ever since and that plaque is still there after twenty-five years so she's not taking any chances.
trav- You would be in a lot of company of people, men and women who made the single life decision. A good option is finding a girlfriend who is independent with the same outlook and keeping it on a dating basis. That can last for years, many do it. Both of you get the best of both worlds.
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travelr712 said on May 14, 2009....
well maybe i'll think about doing that if i ever get a job so i can afford one btv. women are expensive ya know :-P -
javadewd said on May 15, 2009....
I agreed with my wife that if we have kids or something, I'll remarry for the sake of them... It'll be hard to find somebody to fill my wife's shoes, though... Or more to the point her 34F's! -
beyondtheveil said on May 15, 2009....
java- I didn't even know there were F's. -
javadewd said on May 15, 2009....
Oh, yes... Observe... -
HollyGoLightly said on May 16, 2009....
*beyond*~~ point taken...(but i'm still holding out for the knight in the shining armour...lol...)
wait... 34F's ?? damn, and i thought mine were huge...whew!! lucky *java* heeheehee... :)
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