So I have this customer, right, who is a retired 50+ year old ditz. She lives alone (no surprise) and four or five months out of the year she goes to Florida. She owns a computer (her first mistake) that her son gave her to "keep in touch" with her family and such. I think I've had to pay her a call maybe six times in a year where most residential clients see me maybe twice a year unless their kids flood their PCs with porn.

Yesterday, she changed from cable HSD to DSL. No biggie, except she seems to think that the faeries swoop in, wave their magic want and shit just happens. I didn't care. Last time I was there, she got all snappy with me and I bit back. Then she went to Florida and I thought the move was permanent... I was wrong! Now, after sun, some middle-aged old foagie fling (some guy was throwing her "the dick" while she was there), I figured she might have mellowed out. We spent a few hours with me basically re-teaching her every simple basic task you can think of : how to check mail, how to surf the web, how to inhale, how to exhale... Okay, well it sure felt that basic. She didn't take her PC with her (laptop, btw) to Florida, so it was like trying to get her acquainted with an old friend.

So all the while I'm asking her if there was anything else I could do for her, and she'd state her misguided priorities : "How do I do {stupid basic thing a six year old could do}?" And once the tutorial was over, I told her that I would charge her one hour instead of two. Well, obviously the sun baked her brain, because she cut me a check shorter than even one hour. At first, I thought maybe she had left for Florida before I raised my rates. I checked. She didn't. She's flighty.

So all afternoon I end up having to spend a combined three hours on the phone with this goofy bitch, because she can't remember how to do -- yet again -- the most basic of tasks. She can't delete multiple messages. She can't print messages. She can't remember how to find her bookmarks. I looked over at my wife and had her call my phone just to say "I have another call, I'll have to call you back." Then, I held my head and screamed in agony. I swear to God I lost IQ points talking to this idiot of a customer of mine.

But now for the Coup de grace... I get a phone call over dinner (which when I saw it was her I launched straight to voicemail with my mighty middle finger) that when I checked the message it said, no shit :


This is a grown woman. Who all the while didn't mention her craving of la vida wireless, so oops, I forgot to do that. So after laughing hysterically for almost 15 minutes in this Chinese restaurant, I finally call her back and schedule to come out and take a look at her problem. We'll fix those bastards, honey... And oh, by the way, that'll be twice as much as what I should have charged you yesterday. See you tomorrow!!