When I was in my early 30’s, I found myself having thoughts like,
‘How did I get here?’
or
‘This isn’t how I’d imagined my life would be’
But when I sat down and began to think about it, I realized that I’d made conscious decisions;
And that one by one, these choices added up to my ‘present’.
I could take away the mystery of ‘how did I get here’ by doing the math.
How could I argue with the logic of simple addition?
After I thought I understood my present situation, I began to have more abstract thoughts-
I would wonder if there wasn’t one choice I’d made that if I hadn’t made, might change the entire direction of my life-
And so I would play with un-doing, in my mind, one choice.
Which seemed to be connected to another-
And then another-
And another.
It seemed to me that by altering one choice, I’d have to alter others as well.
Since this was an exercise in my imagination only, I played the game and began the unraveling….
What I found was that there were some choices I could never undo-
I couldn’t even imagine making an alternate one.
And without un-doing these, I really couldn’t alter my present significantly.
In some strange way, this gave me comfort.
It made me think that while I might not have imagined this particular life as my own, it certainly made sense that it’s where I found myself.
After all, who can really imagine where the road of life will lead?
When I look at my life today, I see the paths that led me to where I am.
I'm happy to be here.
secretlife posted on Sep 05, 2006
| views: 397
Comments
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silverwhisper said on Sep 05, 2006....
you know, a lot of people go a very long time w/out reaching this place, SL. you're fortunate.
ed
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scalywag said on Sep 05, 2006....
What a great perspective you have. I have noticed that same perspective in other posts/comments you have made.
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Alyss said on Sep 05, 2006....
I too have played the unravelling game and with the exception of one decision I made many years ago I don't believe that if I had the chance to make those decisions again that any would be different.
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satyr said on Sep 05, 2006....
you are way beyond me, secretlife, once I get to a couple of "if only's" I get lost on the possibilities.
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secretlife said on Sep 05, 2006....
sw - i will not claim to be a quick study; but you know, sometimes it's about enjoying the ride
scaly - weren't you gonna go pahhk yah cah??
alyss - i think it says something when you come to realize that given the same set of circumstances, you'd not make too many major changes. someday when i figure out what, i'll blog about it.lol
satyr - i know i'm not beyond you at all.
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 05, 2006....
Honestly, I have regrets. I would have done many things differently.
CW
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Lovethebeach said on Sep 05, 2006....
I have many things I would have done over. School, jobs, sunning myself too much, and many issues with the ex. SIGH. Going forward I hope I make better decisions...
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secretlife said on Sep 05, 2006....
CW and LTB: I really didn't mean this blog to be about regrets because I have them the same as everyone else.
What I was really trying to convey is that I understand how I got to where I am. ANd I'm ok with where I am.
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Lovethebeach said on Sep 05, 2006....
Sorry, I misinterpreted it! :)
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leiram said on Sep 05, 2006....
looking back at the past makes me regret.. because theres a lot of things I should done way way back..
but I have to be optimistic that even though I never do what I want to do before because Im too shy and lock of selfconfidence...
And Im looking forward now to do what ever I want and to reach my goal...
to be happy and contented
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Mamie said on Sep 05, 2006....
great point, secretlife, I guess i know how i got to where i am too. No regrets, just better understanding. I have learned that all too often, what i got out was what i put in and when i am disappointed i should check my intentions.
In hindsight though, i guess I always flew under the radar so no big traumas that i was fully in charge of...thanks for your wisdom!
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cbrain said on Sep 05, 2006....
I am where I am today because of decisions I have made and how I think. My past can never be changed, but I can change the future by changing my actions today.
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 05, 2006....
Sorry Secret. I misunderstood too.
CW
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secretlife said on Sep 05, 2006....
nothing to be sorry for ladies. i was just thinking i'd made you both sad and that hadn't been my intention at all....
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JadeLondon said on Sep 05, 2006....
I have often questioned what my life would be if I had taken different paths. But you know, I must take my 'regrets' in stride. My children are one of the many detours I have taken on the road of life. I don't regret them for a moment, but I only gained them as a result of other losses.
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heavenlysent said on Sep 06, 2006....
Hi secretlife
Yes, I understand what your saying and one of the most interesting things I discovered in the untanglement of it all is how much my perception of things can get in the way of me finding joy. This I will take into my future holding no regrets over the life I have lived and my lot.
Love and Light to you secretlife
Heavenlysent
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heavenlysent said on Sep 06, 2006....
love and light
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hotaka said on Sep 06, 2006....
There is barely a month that goes by without me wondering about the path I am on. A few weeks ago I posted an entry about following your dreams and are you still doing so.
One of my biggest regrets is dropping out of college. I often thought about going back and even tried once (long story that). But I know if I had stayed in college way back when I would not be where I am today. And recently things are looking up. I am not exactly where I hoped I would be but I am not totally off track. Things could always be better but not much.
I think playing the unraveling game is good to help you see where things have gone and helps you see where things are going. It can help you make better decisions about your future.
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secretlife said on Sep 06, 2006....
heavenlysent: yesssssssss! you gave me a smile this morning.
hotaka: I agree, looking back and unraveling can help us understand our choices and make better ones in the future.
Thanks all for reading!
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silverwhisper said on Sep 06, 2006....
SL: of course we're reading. you always make for compelling reading. :>
ed
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ninibud92 said on Sep 06, 2006....
I just went through this about 3 weeks ago! I certainly never thought I would be where I am now. My plans were so different way back then. But, I am very happy with where I am and I learned a lot along the way! And it seemed, at times, that those "concious decisions" were sometimes forced, as though it wasn't a decision at all, but a demand. But it was a decision, sometimes a decision I didn't want to make.
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heavenlysent said on Sep 06, 2006....
Secretlife
Same thing happens when I read your words - You give me a smile. I will continue to read your posts
Heavenlysent
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gingersoul said on Sep 10, 2006....
Beautiful post....well said question....we are what we decide to be....i am facing right these days this considerations...that, indeed, we are what we choose to be. I am the sole maker of my like. I took all the steps that had led me here today.... writing this to you....
I still don't always clearly understand all the decisions i took in the past though. The door i closed. the one i opened.
But, for some comfort and peace, i can say i tried to did my best.
We all try to do our best. Not always is possible. Sometime it happens. But not all the decision made were conscious.
What i can only do is trying to be a better maker of my life for my future.
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secretlife said on Sep 10, 2006....
What else can we do in life but our best?
What else can anyone possibly ask?
At some point we all ask 'how'd i get here?'...for me, i could clearly see i'd made choices which seemed the best ones given all of the circumstances at the time.
It made me be kinder to myself.
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dyingman said on Sep 30, 2007....
We can do a lot less than our best.
And most do exactly that, myself included. I get close enough that I'm content.
Luckily, I've got a life I've never concerned myself with questioning.
VERY luckily.
I don't kid myself. It's a better life than I deserve.
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dyingman said on Sep 30, 2007....
We can do a lot less than our best.
And most do exactly that, myself included. I get close enough that I'm content.
Luckily, I've got a life I've never concerned myself with questioning.
VERY luckily.
I don't kid myself. It's a better life than I deserve.
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secretlife said on Sep 30, 2007....
dyingman: i don't believe for a moment, that you have a better life than you deserve.i do believe, that some of us are luckier than others.and i do believe that only some people realize the role that luck has in life.you know that old saying? if life gives you lemons, make lemonade?sometimes it's what you make of it! -
dyingman said on Oct 19, 2007....
"Chance favors the prepared mind." -- Louis Pasteur.
How much luck do we make for ourselves?
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secretlife said on Oct 19, 2007....
certainly some of it.
but not all of it.
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