I'm really tired.  I spent most of the morning finishing my gardening.  I planted a bunch of flowers in the back and some wild flowers in the front.  I'm not sure if they're going to grow but Kim is pretty confident they will.  The backyard soil is really rich and moist, it's the front I'm worried about.

We set up the backyard and made it nice with the patio table and the umbrella.  We had a couple beers and started talking about past relationships and stuff.  She went on about Kurt, her ex and the father to three of her kids.  I don't like hearing about him because he was such a big part of her life and he's a bit of an asshole.  She talks about him a lot and I wonder if she thinks about him a lot too.  When we're having sex does she think about him??  When we're out walking does she wish she was with him?

I see myself becoming more controlling with her even though that's something I wish I'd avoid.  Inside I think I want the control.  I want to know where she is every minute of the day.  Who she's with, what she's doing.  She's had that with Steve and I think a bit with Kurt too so I'm trying to avoid it but it keeps creeping up.  Today she went to pay the dentist bill but she was taking a long time.  She decided to run some errands and instead of taking about half an hour it took about 3 hours and it took a lot for me to not be upset.  She does that all the time.  Goes out for one thing but comes back with a shopping cart full of crap.  It's usually nice crap but still crap.

Anyway, we were talking.  I think she was trying to remind me how bad her life used to be and that she didn't want ours to be like that.  I can't control her kids so how am I going to control her?  I don't want to control her but it just sort of comes out.  Every day I remind myself that it doesn't matter what she's doing.  She'll be back soon.  Hopefully that will help me get over this.