***disclaimer:  This is not meant to hurt or offend the good mothers out there***

 

I hate mothers day.  Every year I am made to feel guilty about not liking my mom and not wanting to shower her with love and gifts.  I would avoid her altogether if I could on this day but she lives with me.  Obviously despite my moving her in with me we do not have a good relationship.  Simply put she is not a good person.  I do what I do at this point out of a fucked ups sense of obligation.  NOT out of love and concern.  She was emotionally abusive during my childhood to say the least.  Ok..............that's not fair.  She was a great mom up until my dad died when I was 9.  Then she viewed my sisters and I as unfair burden that she did not want to do on her own.  Her words not mine.  She says we three girls "Abandonded and betrayed her"  when my father died.  That we decided to gang up against her and we started at the funeral.  She said we weren't there to support her like we should have been at the funeral.  OK again I was 9 FUCKING years old.   I did not sit in the room the service was held in before or during it.  I was in the basement rec room of the funeral home stairing at a giant fish tank because the idea of being in a room with a dead body...the dead body of my dad....freaked me out.  My sisters stayed with me as I was the youngest.   My mom did not take care of us that week.  I understand why and do not hold it against her in any way but she is convinced in that time we were plotting against her.  Again her words.   She called me a stupid useless lazy little bitch on almost a daily basis from about  age 11 on up.   She did not hesitate to do this in front of my friends as well.  Despite having a paid of house and money from social security for us...in addition to life insurance money...when I turned 16 I had to get a job and start paying rent.  I do not think its wrong for a child to earn money and help out if it's needed in the household.  This however is different.  Once I started working and giving her money every month she would forget to pay bills.  I had to go have the water and electric turned back on multiple times.  We fought.  We fought a lot.  I felt she gave up on me a long time before and did not care for her words of parenting advice anymore then.   The night before my high school graduation she told me how I didn't deserve to have her there to see me graduate.  That I was not going to make anything out of myself anyway and she didnt want to witness the sad high point of my life.   I am 30 now.  I moved out right after turning 18.  I thought I had forgiven her when she had her first small stoke and said she realized she was a bad mother and was sorry.  I moved her 300 miles away from my home town 3 years after that to help her.   3 months after she moved in we had a talk about her needing to treat things like a roomate situation until I was able to buy a 2 family house.  That if I was in my room she needed to knock and the basics of living with another person.  She said she was not going to do that. .... she was not my roomate she was my mother.  I said ...now I am not saying this to hurt you...but I don't look at you that way and haven't for a long time... you need to respect me as a person living her like you would anyone else.   Well then the fight started and she said that she was a good mother and that anything she did to my sisters and I we brought on ourselves.  I asked if her previous apology was heartfelt and she said she doesnt remember apologizing as she had no reason to.   The fight went on from there and things were said that cannot be taken back or changed.   I no longer want her in my life but I have no choice right now.  She is toxic to me.  It's funny.  It's the little things.  She let me pay to move her here..........and expenses before moving.  Then I found out she had several thousand in savings.  I pay the rent and utilities.  She pays phone and cable here.  I just found out she makes more then me at her job now.   She still feels I owe her.  When I told her I was moving at the end of this month.  She asked if I was still going to pay rent for her.  What kind of mother is she?????????????????   I feel like I got screwed.   I lost my father at young age and got left with her.  Ok.............rant almost over.   

 

So why am I telling all of this. . . . because not all of us have good mothers.   Mother's day is not a happy thing for people like me.  I cannot stand when people say well at least your mom is still alive.  You are lucky to have her there.   NO I AM FUCKING NOT.  I get if you miss you mom....if you had good moments together.  Appreciate them......because I don't have that.   I will not celebrate a day that celebrates a person I will never like or respect.