Well, I had a nice visit with my mom today at least.  We hung out for a little while, caught up, went out to eat, talked and caught up some more, went back to her house and talked and hung out even more, and then it was time to go.  I always hate that part.  I'm OK while I'm saying good bye, and even walking away, but once we get into the car and my husband starts it, this wall of emotion hits me.  It's like somebody throwing 1000 tons of bricks at me, or maybe 3000 gallons of water all at once, I don't know.  It crumbles me and washes through me all at once and I just have this dread.  I don't want to go home, I don't want to leave her.  I know I'm too old to pull that 'I want my mommy' crap, but you know, it just sucks.  I miss her and I wish it was easier to go visit her.  I wouldn't mind being able to just drop in whenever and say hi, maybe stay for a while and then head home later on a whim.  Granted, even if she did live closer, that wouldn't be a reality as busy as she is with school and work.  So it's just as well, but it might be nice just to know that I COULD, you know?  Just the difference between not being able to and being able to would make a world of difference right now.  She's never negative to me, she always tells me I can do whatever I want, she's always willing to help me, she always helps me figure things out that are bothering me or confusing me and she never leaves me with a feeling of 'Just leave me alone!'  She's the type of mom that can be a mom and a friend or both at the same time, whatever the situation calls for.

I hate that my dad had to be such a dick.  I hate that he is still such a dick.  If he wasn't such a screwed up, abusive, jackass, maybe he could have treated her right, not abused her, given her the love and affection she needed, supported her through whatever she wanted to do, not worried about money constantly and not put everybody else first.  Maybe then, if he would have basically been a completely different person, maybe they could have been together and stayed together.  I know there's no point in playing the 'what if' game, we recently talked about that, didn't we?  Well, I don't need to hear it again, I KNOW, but this is where I'm at emotionally for the moment.  Just because I know it doesn't mean I have to like it.  I'm like this nearly every time we come home from my mom's.  I'm a little more touchy, and much more withdrawn.  We probably should have gone over to the farm, or especially down to my cousin's graduation party, but I just simply don't feel like being around people.  I don't have the mental energy for it, and so far as it seems, I don't have a lot of physical energy left either.

Bottom line though, I just hate that I'm stuck seeing the crappy parent every day while I hardly ever get to see the good one.  Although, at the end of all this, I do realize one thing.  Perhaps it's this way for a reason. Maybe I'm limited on getting to see my mom so that I don't begin to take her for granted, and so that I can appreciate her fully.  You can't get around the fact that my dad is an asshole no matter if you're away or close, so it wouldn't make any difference either way, his behavior just illustrates even more that my mom is so great.  Again, just because I realize that doesn't mean I have to like it.

At the end of the day, I still just 'want my mommy'.

To all parents & children:  Cherish your time with your children/parents.  Don't take them for granted.  Don't let petty things build up and get in your way of spending time with them and letting them know you love them.  Try as hard as you can for them.  If you're in a rocky relationship with children involved, think of what's best for them, and think of the long run, not just right now.  Sometimes its not always best to stay together.  If you're already separated, don't think for one second that your children don't love you at all.  They do, and some of us just have a really good cloaking device so nobody can see the hurt.  If you have a rocky relationship with a parent, or both, keep in mind WHY ... is it worth it?  I'm not saying that there aren't good reasons, because there are, but some people mix up the good reasons with hurt feelings and pride.  Appreciate the gift of time with parents/children every day, you never know when it could be gone and things be completely different forever.