Ok, so I've been single (divorced) for a while, and hated the lonelyness. Single mom in a strange country, not doing really good financially - you got the picture.
In order to survive I had to push myself aside, and just work hard and hold back for years. I became so lonely during these years that even I knew I had to do something about it.
One day I decided that it is it, I must invest in myself in every way so I can put myself out there again, and become a part of the dating scene again.
New clothes, new make up, and I was ready to start going out with the girls I met in the local gym.
It happened all so quickly. The first night out I met a guy who was interested, and it made me feel so good about myself. Later I had to realise that I was out with young people, and the common thing in the clubbing scene is to find fast love for the night. It wasn't my personal magic that blew his mind away. I was just a lucky try.
Or I don't even know how lucky that was for him, since nothing happened that night, and for another two weeks. But adventually it happened, and when it happened I had to face the reality of the situation.
But a couple of weeks into this "relationship", if I can call it that, I met this other nice guy in the same club. Didn't expect too much of him, but he turned out to be a decent one, who wants a real relationship.
Too bad he also turned out to be a little too comfortable in the apartment I am paying for, eating the food I am buying, and sleeping, shitting, showering on my expence.
A week after we started going out he got fired, which he said was unlike him, but later I learned that it was very much like him. During the less than two months we've been together, he basically slept in every day, than left to take the car I thought was him back to his mother who actually allowed him to use it, and needed it after work. Than he returned about 8-9pm, and was ready to eat dinner with us, and complain about me not doing the dishes, or not cleaning up, or not putting the clean laundry away. Yes, those are my week points. If I told him to do these things on his own, after all he is not working, he replied that he does not live here, and it is my house. Nice. He got mad at me every single day because of something I did or said, because I don't know how to behave. Most of the times I was just amazed how sensitive a man can be, because I just didn't see what was so wrong about the things that annoyed him. Some times I knew he was rigth, but the immediate and intense anger he showed each time was in no way appropriate. He just over reacted each time, and when I tried to explain that to him, he just got even angrier, saying that I should just listen and learn instead of arguing.
The reason I kept being in this relationship was simple:
I've been a single mom for many years. I need a man in my life, and so does my son. Most men I dated were basically useless as "the man of the house". This one already fixed the whole power system in the house, my broken down refrigider, and the washer too. During the holidays he arranged everything, and got everything done, so all I had to worry about is to get the food, pack it or cook it. We went on a trip for independence day, and I felt like a real woman, not like a woman who is the mother and the father at the same time. We had three cook outs, when this guy took over and stood next to the grill for hours, then cleaned it all up with a pride only men have about BBQ equipment.
He took me and my son out on a regular bases, and for the first time in my life I had a man on my side who gave me cash and said: "Spend it all on new clothes for your self, and not on bills or food. I want to do this for you". He was good to and with my son. He favored his own son a lot more of course, but my son loved him, and I can not complain.
I wanted a man like him ever since I was a young girl. I wished my own husband was more like him, but he didn't even come close. After many years I just felt that this is the closest to what I will ever able to get.
But you know what? I cannot take care another person just because he's got some good things going on. I need a man who works, and does not need me to support him. Or should I just look over that and be happy about having a good guy?
Well, I could agree, but than I would think that a person who has nothing to do all day could at least help around the house. I know his mother asks him to do stuff too, and I am sure that he was fast to tell her that he is never there, doesn't even eat or sleep there, so she should just get off his back. So basically, he doesn't live there, and doesn't live here, so no responsibilities at either places.
Firdays are the hardest days of my week. In Israel it is a half day, and a day is as long as the sun is up, so it can be really short some times. It's a religious thing, but the whole country respects that, so nothign I can do about it. I happen to work on Firday mornings, then I have to run with my son to his weekly therapy, then do the weekend shopping, and clean the house and cook too. I have to put dinner on the table early enough so I can go ahead and get ready on time, if I want to go out with the girls. Which by the way costs me the baby sitter fee each time. Since Saturday is the only day I can sleep in, I can only go out on Friday night, so again, nothing I can do about it. No matter how tire I am, I try to go out with a simle each time, and let no one know how tired I really am. And where is my perfect man on Fridays? Well, he sleeps in during the whole time I am working, then he may be able to take my son and I to the doctor's, and then.. he takes off and I only see him at night ready to go out and have fun. He is not there to help with the shopping, or to put his share in when it's time to pay for it. He is not there to help me clean or cook. But he never failed to eat the food I cooked for Shabbat, or to complain if something wasn't done. And he never paid the baby sitter either.
So I started to "talk back" when he started bitching, telling him the things I didn't agree with. That pissed him off, and one day he just left. He even raised his arm as if he wanted to hit me bacause he got so mad at me when during the arguement I kept telling him to lower his voice and stop yelling if he wants to communicate with me. The day after he left I realised that he took the tops he got for me on the same day he left. Classy. I wonder what he is going to do with them? He'll probably give them to his ex, or maybe wait and give them to the next girl he'll go out with. Who knows.... Anyway, I am not sadabout letting him go.
But I am sad about having that paiful lonelyness returning to my life again. I don't miss him, I just hate to be alone again.
I hate to hear that anoying little voice in my head that tells me each time I break up with a guy "Here you go again, on your own - maybe the problem is you, don't you think?"
And maybe it is me. Maybe I am doing something wrong. After all, I am the one alone.
But than I look around and see more and more divorced single mothers struggeling with the same problem. I see young girls having their hearts broken. I start to realise how desperate today's women got.
I blame the feminists. Because of them now we work like men, but left alone with the children after they live us, and we then have to take care of everything on our own. We take it :like a man" in the begining, and don't even get upset if a relationship didn't work out. We feel strong and proud in the begining. But as the years go by, we get tired. We get extremely tired and we just need some one to help us feel whole again. But while guys are looking for simple love, and fun for us it is no longer enough. We need a pertner who will help in all espects of life. Help around the house, help with the kids, help financially and be there there for us emotionally.
Now what man is looking forward to take all that responsibility when he doesn't have to. All he has to do is to get up and move on. There are so many desperate women out there today, that no men really have to take too much of shit anymore. He can go and have a responsibility free relationship with a younger girl, since he doesn't have the kids on his back all the time. He can go out whenever he wants, he can be spontanious and flexable, and fun.... No worries, right? Today guys aren't to worry about getting into a relationship with a single mom either. They either think they can deal with a kid, or they have one or two on their own after the divorce, so they feel it is the same deal.
But it is not. It is not the same to have your child over for a weekend, or to spend some time with him for a couple of hours each week. Even the children feel that what they are allowed or not allowed at home, only applies at home, but things with daddy are different because of the short time limitation. Most part time dads just try to have a good time with their kids for the little time they have them, and who can blame them for that, really?
So they come thinking they can be the man we want, or that we could be the woman they need. But soon they find out that we come with responsibilities and limitations, and expectations.
Today's women have two choices as I see:
1 - we can settle for something we know is not perfect, and keep our mouth shut, so we won't be alone.
2 - we can choose to fight, and wait for the one perfect, or at leas almost perfect guy, whom we know we are able to live our lives with. That is, of course, if such guy still exsits these days.....
Bottom line, people have way too much freedom today. We get married way to fast and it is way to easy to get a divorce. Today's parents have no time to deal with us, and teach us the little things we'll need for life, so we grow up without realy being ready for the challanges ahead of us. We jump head first, and hit the ground hard.
The only thing I learned from this is that I must make sure my son stays in school as long as possible, and help him make smart decisions based on facts, and not on emotions.
I really hope I will be able to keep him away of marriage till his late thirties, and only have children when he is sure that he is with the woman he can live in peace, and raise children the way our grandparents did.
And me?
I just hope I will find what I am looking for before I'll get too old to enjoy it :-)
