Life is not all warm and fuzzy. When I was 16 my first girlfriend was 22 years old. She was going to Sonoma State college and she commited suicide with pills while sitting in the parking lot at the school. There was no reason as to why she did this. She was beautiful, played guitar, and sang like an angel. She was very popular with everyone. This dammaged my trust, but time passed. When I started college a girl named Heather fell in love with me and I fell crazy in love with her. We even went to church together!.. She was trying out for the OLYIMPIC swim team, but she did'nt make the team. Her friend Jenna Johnson won gold. Heather shot herself in the heart. I asked all of her friends why she did this! I was told that her father was a drunk, and had molested her when she was a child and it had bothered her greatly. She never told me a thing about this! This tore me appart. I was in love with her. She left me a note saying that she loved me, and that she knew that I loved her. The note said that if I was reading the note she was probably dead. I drove to the police station with the note and I was informed that she had died at the hospital after neighbors had heard the shot and called the police. I never trusted love or long term relationships after all of this. Why would I? Why would anyone?
Comments
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uniquely-ironic said on May 06, 2009....
I hope you're not thinking that their suicides were your fault. Suicide is a very selfish act, and rarely caused by someone else. Though I can see why your trust in relationships is shaky. I'd be leery if I had that kind of history too. -
mixednuts said on May 06, 2009....
Thankyou U.I.
I've kept this in my heart for way to long.
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copsunite said on May 06, 2009....
i don't need to comment on this sort of crap -
mixednuts said on May 06, 2009....
Do you mind if I block you then?
COPS SUCKS!
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jul said on May 06, 2009....
Nice job driving two girls to commit suicide.
I imagine they were pretty ugly (if they were dating you), so its not like their lives were worth anything. All in all, I give you +10 man points.
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Hegemone said on May 06, 2009....
My gosh Mixed, I seriously hope that you don't blame either of them on yourself. Suicide isn't something that can be blamed on another, it's a problem for whoever has done it or is thinking about it. You can't help what you weren't allowed to know. It's totally understandable that given those circumstances, you guard your heart very closely, I think I would too. -
MsStar39 said on May 07, 2009....
Mixed that was a very traumatic thing that you went through and at a young age, I can see where you might hold back when it comes to love, Give it another try. -
javadewd said on May 07, 2009....
You go, Holly!
Mixed, man I feel you, bro. Nobody likes a vacancy in their heart, especially when it was left there by somebody we love and adore. Shit like that is so out of our control, though. You didn't do it. You didn't cause it. It may take time, but hopefully you'll be able to trust and love more in the future. I had shit like that rear its ugly head in some of my relationships getting through it -- irrational fears, projection, etc -- and it caused me to marry now in my mid-30's instead of when "I wanted to" in my early 20's. Regardless of your beliefs, shit happens for a reason, and no doubt it will all come in handy as a tool for a later rendezvous. Forgive, but don't forget what it taught you. Especially forgive yourself, man. Only you can do that for you.
Peace, bro.
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diabolicdame said on May 07, 2009....
Hey.. its diffucult to go through stuff like this.. but you shouldnt let yourself feel responsible for it.. there is only so much control we have on other people's decisions.. its bound to shake you up but life has to go on.. you must live it to the fullest.. you owe it to yourself. :-) -
jul said on May 07, 2009....
aww fudge :( -
jul said on May 07, 2009....
~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~holly*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*
*~*~*~i'm a troll~*~*~*~*~**~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*don't you know you're not supposed to feed the troll?~*~*~*~*~**~
*~*~*~*thanks though*~*~*~*~*people like you make this place worth trolling~*~*~*~*~**~ because people like you just can't learn when to shut their mouths*~**~*~*~**~*~*~*so trolls like me grow strong on your responses*~*~*~*~*~*~and yearn for more**~*~**~*~*~
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travelr712 said on May 07, 2009....
now who was it that used to use the word 'troll' so much? hmm, let me think.... -
pusscat said on May 07, 2009....
Hey mixed - I'm glad you finally told your story. Sometimes, people who have very caring hearts and nature, as yourself, attract people that can see that caring nature and also need that caring nature. You were not to blame in any way for why and how they took their own lives. i'm sure that the short time that you were in their lives made it that little bit better for them hun. i'm glad you were in their lives for a while.
jul - you really don't have the same buzz or class that hottips had around here. You see hottips spoke from her heart whether what she said stuck in our throats or not. No matter how much shit she threw at folk, she actually stood behind her convictions. The real BIG difference though between you and hottips is that she actually did some real interesting and humorous posts too! No matter how many fisty cuffs her and I had, I always had a respect for her. What a pathetic comment about whether the girls were ugly or whether mixed is. What is ugly anyway? Can you actually describe it? What number are you in Hello Magazines Top 100?? Now, I guess I'll be reading a new comment from you soon saying I'm a sad, depressive bitch who, as a submissive, must sit around in a basement all day getting my stupid ass kicked by some dominant bullying pervert (Ooh - I just thought had a thought - a basement! a basement! i'd love a basement - the screams can't be heard so much down in a basement ha ha!) Go ahead girl, couldnt give a shit really, if he's good with a paddle, I'll go down in his basement lol!
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travelr712 said on May 07, 2009....
the antagonist said it themselves, if you acknowledge them, it only encourages them. we all know what this person is trying to do, and we all know from past experience the only way to keep it from happening, but i'll say it here like i've said it many times before, and i appologise for my bluntness,DON'T FEED THE TROLLS! -
mixednuts said on May 07, 2009....
I need to think this out now. -
mongol said on May 07, 2009....
Very, very sad stuff. -
satanx said on May 08, 2009....
[[[ 666 ]]]
THEY ARE MINE NOW.
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mixednuts said on May 08, 2009....
satanx alt...FUCK YOU loser
Holly,
I'm listening to every word that you say!
PS..Thanks pusscat & trav!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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javadewd said on May 09, 2009....
{Holding back snicker...} "Can't we all just get along?" -
andora said on May 09, 2009....
what a sad blog
where all the trolls hang out
pleading for commraderie
chomping at the bit to be "right" about their chosen slow form of suicide they call life -- righteous indignation with an endless array of faces looking to get the last word while being cute....cutsie little co-dependent voices that just can't get over the humiliation while at highschool, so they create the same fucked up scenario everywhere they go -- even anonymously
don't feed the trolls! what a laugh...even the victims turn into trolls eventually
waxing all spiritual about how "nice" and "evolved" they are, while cursing those that cross them much like that stalker that killed that girl last week. he probably made a pass at her in the past and her rejection probly took him to his core -- he never stopped thinking about her -- killed her -- and will never stop thinking about her in jail. Death has a way of putting all that worship it to their knee's -- hopelessnesss never leads to inspiration and intimacy
and perpetrators become victims become perpetrators become victims add nausium
because
death consciousness has very limited prospects
the only thing to do in that paradigm is dress up the coffin, make it cozy,
wait for your turn and hope they remember you for something
these days many will settle for 15 minutes of fame for slaughtering a congregation!
sucks to be the living dead
looking for a little fuckie suckie before its too late
before the sagging makes us turn off the lights....then what?
CNN
and/or
getting a bunch of alts and fucking with folk at soul cast on the way out
trolls
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javadewd said on May 09, 2009....
Nah, Holly. I don't need to look at jul's stuff. That just feeds into his crap. Honestly, I would have done the same thing you did here... And I've taken crap for it, too. We should start a club! -
pusscat said on May 09, 2009....
I'm not sure what's going on with this post and what the fuck I have missed but what I do know is that right now i am feeling so fucking shit that I could honestly kill right now and not actually care. So what I came here to say is this. Mixed and Holly, you two are mates, beyond the normal shit that friends have to contend with so please dont let blogging spoil it ok!???! Dont let lack of tone and context ruin it cos friends are so important and special and precious.
Hey folks dont forget to save this comment as its pusscat's last one - may be worth a fortune some day ;-) -
anonymous said on May 09, 2009....
Andora You Are Annoying. -
Misty_Eyed said on May 09, 2009....
Mix, I'm so sorry that happened to you (not just once but twice). I can hardly even imagine how awful that would be.I couldn't just stop by and not comment. You know me (or so it seems). : )Please don't get too down. If it makes you feel any better, I'm doing really well.Missed Me/ "Misty" -
mixednuts said on May 10, 2009....
I was having a sad/bad memory day when I posted this... Some blamed me, most did not.I simply wanted to get the whole thing off of my chest. I don't expect anyone to ever truely love me after reading this stuff. All of my life I've been paying a heavy price for my memories. I can't even love myself...why would anyone have feelings for me? I want to thank everyone for commenting. I'll delete no-one....... but myself. As for my girlfriends who commiter suicide....something happened long before we met that I didn't know about, and my humor and love coudn't fix it. I guess I use humor to keep from crying all the time. " THE TEARS OF A CLOWN". -
anonymous said on May 10, 2009....
You Make A Great Martyr-Maybe You Should Carry A Cross-It Is The Prop For Martyrs ! -
mixednuts said on May 10, 2009....
Funny, but I know who ANON is. That's ok though. Stab on. -
mongol said on May 10, 2009....
Who was the wicked anon? You deleted all of Holys comments! Was it her? We thought that you two were sort of a good match. -
mixednuts said on May 10, 2009....
It was not "wicked". Everyone is allowed to say what they need to say regardless of the hurt that might be spread. Nothing on this post bothered me anyway. Any delets were by request. I thought that Holly and I were friends, but people do move on. -
MastersCumSlut said on May 10, 2009....
All This Turmoil Over Nothing?Maybe Anon. Is Me? I Always Blog In Bold Type. Maybe I'm A Troll. Maybe This Whole Thing Is Stupid. Maybe Holly Is My Firend.Maybe She Asked To Be Delted. Oh Yes, She Did ! I Read It Right Here For Myself Last Night Mixed Nuts ! Maybe Mongol Is Just One Of Your Many Alts. Oh Yes, He Is. I Remember Now. Having A Pointless Conversation With Yourself I See. What Is The Point Of Deleting Someone's Shit If You Just Keep Bringing It Up?Holly, My Sympathies, But I Read The Whole Thing Before It Was Deleted. You Are A Friend. He Is No Match For You. And I Am Typing This Whole Fucking Thing As If I Were Anon. Just To Piss Peple Off. I Know It's Pissing Me Off Anyway.HAHAHA ! Get A Life People.MCS -
satanx said on May 10, 2009....
[[ 666 ]]
I FEEL AT HOME HERE.
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mixednuts said on May 10, 2009....
Cumslut has no postings. Holly would never listen to you! I loved her! Did you? -
jesse1 said on May 10, 2009....
a simple heart felt blog has turned into a hate filled blog comment rant. Is that bitch hollyslutdog doing the alt thing again? fuck this shit on a stick. the cumslut is just that. cum and get me you whore! -
travelr712 said on May 10, 2009....
if one assumes they are holly's friend, one assumes incorrectly. -
mixednuts said on May 10, 2009....
Thee are not Hollys friends at all. Perhaps I should delet the entire post and blog elsewhere. This is turning into an alt campground. -
mixednuts said on May 10, 2009....
Look... I posted this for my own wellbeing in the first place. I was trying to have closure from my past and not open the windows of hate. Can we all just get along!?
( is it to late? )
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truthsayer50 said on May 21, 2009....
Mixednuts...Keep your posts up. Every forum and chat room is going to be filled with predators.They have to feed somewhere. Those who thrive on harmful words and hurting others have serious issues of their own. Don't concern yourself with them at all. Focus on your purpose which is obviously very different from theirs. If their lives were so great, they would be doing something else besides lurking in this forum. They are here for pretty much the same reason the rest of us are. They are trying to fill a void!God bless you. A lot of us do care. Life is full of heartaches and sorrow. We all need to lean on each other. That's just the way it is. -
mixednuts said on May 21, 2009....
Thanks truth. -
pusscat said on May 21, 2009....
Hey mixed - I've missed you. Hope you're ok hun :-* truth is so right. -
mixednuts said on Aug 03, 2009....
I need to come back here from tiime to time to remind myself of the price of love! -
mixednuts said on Aug 13, 2009....
Reading this again brings it all back!
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