*emo moment*

my body hurts so bad

my eyes are watering from stinging contact lenses

I hate this.  So much.

And I have NOBODY to blame but myself...

Fuck this stupid fucking game... this retarded spin that I throw myself into every time, knowing full well what's in store, yet I FUCKING DO IT ANYWAYS.  Damn it.  Damn YOU!  Whomever you are... 

Fuck me sideways.

*sigh*

Just help me forget this... all of it... I just want it to go away.  I'm so exhausted... so tired of it.  I'm so tired of dealing with myself... fuck me.  I'm tired of running away and trying to fix my personal problems with complaints and frustration.  The world moves too slow for me... and I'm just rushing to catch up with what's ahead... I can see it all... it's all within my grasp, yet - the past is still holding me back. 

Why the hell do I feel like I'm in some sort of stupid limbo... lingering within a cloud of disastrous nothing?  To have nothing happening, to have to fill the spaces with temperate mediations is FAR worse to me than full on wreckage and disaster, because at least the disaster is a fulfilling event, instead of the nothing... because as the old adage says: 
"idle hands are the devils tools"

But why the fuck do they have to be MINE??  I try so hard to keep myself occupied... so hard... but I just can't stay out of trouble.  FUCK.

---

Honey?  Are you okay?  What's going on?

Her red tail flicked in the shadows as I spoke.  Eyes gleaming gold and burgundy, she snarled quietly in the corner.  The cloak of night fell across her pulsing body - her skin pulled so tight with anger that even her blood could be seen coursing beneath her flesh.  She could barely be recognized, beneath this sanguine disguise.  Her guise of gold and diamonds had given way to a molten dissemination of raw intensity and sideways creepings.  She pulled back, but continued to glare forward, warning and waiting for her moment to leap forward and tug the life out of my very jowls. 

I reached into my pocket to reveal a small item.  It was golden and rough, small - like a wooden medallion.

Her eyes flickered up towards what was in my hands.  I knew full well what this was - the only thing that could distract her from falling deeper into this hole of identity crisis.  Her nose twitched, and a small trickle of bloody drool fell from her right canine that protruded slightly over her bottom lip.  An intricate design creeped across the medallion, round, like a prayer wheel - but so much more ominous..  She knew exactly what was going on- and she fell right for it.

I waved it back and forth, until her eyes were securely locked.  Entranced, she quietly rose from her corner, emerging slightly from the shadows, squinting her eyes painfully as the moonlight cut across her now tainted vision.  I stepped backwards cautiously - taking good care to not startle or upset this Russian side of myself. 

Her grotesque gargoyle-like feet started to move closer to me -

a sudden caffeine jolt stole my attention to the other cloud.
and her wings enveloped me.  I knew then - it was too late.  I was already lost.  Hair.  Feet.  Eyes... all a mess and jumble of body and mind - the mix was thicker than tar, and I was too deep inside to be able to find my way out.  I knew right then - that unless I found the cobblestone path that would lead me the long way out of this journey, I was already too far gone, and it would either be the hard way out, or straight down.