• uniquely-ironic said on May 05, 2009....

  Evil, you're my friend and I take the good with the bad.  I can't imagine going through the stresses of starting a life all over again and bless you for hanging in there with your stresses.  Losing your friend right now was particularly shitty luck.  Like you, the meds and therapists can't replace good old fashioned friendship.  I wish I could suggest something, but it's just hard working making good friends, and I'd bet you're very tired right about now.
   
  You're always welcome to bend my ear.

• Mr_Box said on May 05, 2009....

  I understand it....in fact i understand it so much that i can't even really comment further cuz its too close to home. but you aren't alone. i have nothing i can say to help though. i wish i did...
  
  
  the only thing i can say is that i was here and i read this and i do understand. that's the best i can do though. i wish i could offer you better than that. but you aren't the only one....

• Hegemone said on May 05, 2009....

  Hmmm, well I'm not so sure what to say, it sounds like you've ruled just about everything out.  Don't get me wrong, that's fine, obviously you've figured out what does, or in your case, just doesn't work.  I do have to ask though, has anybody ever told you to just do it, concerning the things you're supposed to be doing to feel better about life?  You know what you like, you know what makes you happy, why can't you just do it?  I mean, are you trying to be you for somebody else, or you for you?  I just tend to wonder if maybe you're having a hard time getting started, or if you need to further pinpoint just what it is exactly that makes you so unhappy.  Maybe begin doing the opposite of things you normally would that aren't so appealing.  Fine, you don't like yourself, what don't you like?  Let's don't waste time pointing out the good in you, you know it's there, we know it's there, sure, what's wrong with you though and how can you fix it.  For instance, all right, let's say you have this habit of being really negative ... maybe can you try to slip in a positive WITH the negative?  See, I'm not saying to get rid of the negative, just try to find something nice to add, eventually it'll get easier and maybe the positives will start outweighing the negatives.  That's just an example, as I don't know what you really deal with, but I hope that helps sort of illustrate what I'm going for.  Maybe if you pin point whatever the issues are and go at them one at a time, not all at once.  Then again, maybe you're just in a definite baby hysteria and once he arrives and you're busy with him, things will settle. 
  I can imagine that it's hard not to have that friend, I don't know that I've ever had "that" friend, that person you can go to with everything and hold nothing back.  With each friend I have there are boundaries.  So you're missing something you've had, and I'm missing something I've never gotten to really experience.  Maybe you could look forward to the fact that in the future, another friend such as this could come your way, without you even realizing it at first.  I'll bet stranger has happened.  Either way, I wish the best for you and hope that maybe soon, over time, you can begin to find some peace with yourself.  I'm glad that you did speak up, even if it was only meant to be to yourself.  (((((((HUG))))))))

• the_infernal_optimist said on May 05, 2009....

  ((massive hugs))
  
  You are so dear to me, Kyle. I'm so sorry you're hurting. But talking about it is so much better than suffering in silence...and even though I don't have any answers for you, I am holding a boatload of hope. And not just some little jon boat dealio, either. A cargo ship, more like.
  
  Hope and caring and an open line for listening anytime...it's not much but you have it. And you don't sound whiny or anything like that to me...
  
  ~Infernal
  

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on May 05, 2009....

  
  (((warm embrace)))  I understand so much, Kyle; just like Jack, in the first breath I cannot think of anything to say but to tell you, I read your words and each one of them pierced my heart because I know the truth of each word, which has been/is my life´s own truth too.
  
  Infernally, wrote such beautiful words of friendship, that I could only echo them.
  
  Your friend, always
  
  paper ~
  
  
  

• pusscat said on May 05, 2009....

  You don't sound whiney or self pitying to me Kyle.  Then again, when we get this shit in our heads, why shouldn't we have some pity for ourselves, we give enough to others right?  One thing that really bugs me is how many people in the USA (as that's where so many bloggers here are from) appear to still be given anti dperssants that zonk the brain, leave people lethargic or worse still, instead of having manic or depressive thoughts, leave them numb which, to me is worse cos you don't feel the good stuff at all then!
  
  I am 42 years old and have been on several types of meds that work and make me feel 'normal' so to speak.  Every now and then they stop working as they should.  I don't give up though, I go back to the GP and they get changed.  Sometimes it's trial and error but i think my life is worth it to get it right.  Many people that have mild bipolar (you know, good ol manic depressives) are given anti depressants alone.  That bugs the shit out of me as it's been proven that they cause massive mood swings!  A mood stabilizer is often needed like Depakote (you may have had it and it didn't work, just an example though hun).  Thing is Kyle, as you know, the brain can become unbalanced so easily with all the chemicals that it uses within the body.  It needs fixing like any other part of the body.  I know I still have mood swings that tend to be reactive to what's happening to me directly at the time but it does sound like your low mood is totally overtaking everything and that sucks big time.  Please insist, bully him/her if you have to, but make your doc do something about it.  MAke it clear you can't afford to be zonked out with a baby coming into the house.
  
  Now for the baby stuff :)  No one has a rule book or manual with parenting like when you buy a car.  Everyone feels the same "Oh shit, what do I do with this tiny little thing that's depending on me?!"  Have you spoken with any of the guys in the parenting classes?  They are most likely all looking at each other thinking, wow, he seems really with it all and I don't have a clue!  I think talking to a fellow father to be and seeing how you're all shit scared will help.  Who knows, maybe a friendship will develop with one of the new fathers?
  
  You may be one of the people Kyle that never gets rid of the mood swings and lows all together, like me but you don't deserve to be feeling that helplessness and low mood all the time.  No matter what meds you've tried, working in a mental health team, I know there are new drugs coming out all the time but, the old timers are also still very good.  There are more than you can shake a stick at too so I'm guessing your doc had nowhere near tried even a tenth of what you can try.  Don't let the docs fob you off - there is the right med out there for everyone with depression and bipolar.  Ensure the right diagnosise too.  I had such mood swings I seriously could have hurt someone Kyle until i was finally diagnosed with mild bipolar, no wonder my anti deperessants alone made me like that, I needed a mood stabilizer too!
  
  Hey guy - don't forget to talk to Nat too.  Don't think, "oh she's got far too much on her plate", cos you're in this together.  I know that she is also your special friend too.  Don't know how you feel about this, but would writing to your ex friend help at all?  A one off 'if he doesn't like it then forget it' letter?  sometimes we do have to say, screw the things that happened recently, what about the 20 odd years of friendship.  Tell him how you really feel about the loss of that friendship - he may be feeling the same, you never know.  I hope things do get better for you Kyle.  NEver be afraid to come and vent here.  You've given us all enough laughs when we've needed them to have earned your place for venting.
  
  ((((((((((((((((((((((( e_t )))))))))))))))))))))))))
  

• HollyGoLightly said on May 06, 2009....

  *evil*~~ you, kyle, have be known to me sometime...if only through this screen...yet, enough so that i feel your pain quite completely...i know i (as well as ANYONE, when one is feeling in this way...)cannot say anything that TRULY helps...except, i sincerely empathize with you, as i have been, and in lots of ways, am now...where you are,, but of course, because of my own crap...i feel those same feelings...i so understand even the loathing of those feelings within ourselves...any kind of "advice" seems quite inadequate, quite trite, when one is down so low...if you can, at least acknowledge that your feelings are valid...if only because they are YOURS, and quite acceptable no matter what...just because they belong to you...(and one last thought...just cuz i'm a mommy...began having babies while still in my teens (boy, scared shitless, yes...) but i think  a certain thing happens to daddies-to-be, which is exclusive to daddies only, and i've heard it put most eloquently as this~~"women become mothers when they conceive, but men become fathers, once their child is born"...i don't know if it sounds like pure drivel to you my friend...but in others words...it will come to you, you will feel it, all will be well, as nature intended it, just  breathe, breathe, and don't forget to breathe....
  
  (((((hugs)))))~~~*~*Holly*~*
  

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on May 06, 2009....

  
  PC, thank you for your commenting to Kyle.  What you wrote (and have written to others too) have helped me a bit with what I am contemplating.  I went to a psychiatrist 2003 after very long periods of trying to overcome depression all by myself.  It was hard.  I don´t have the strength to get into it in my blogs (I am just enjoying the break from all emotional stuff).  I need to get help before another one of those phases comes (one hopes it will not come, but yeah, one knows better).  You said a lot of things that brought me further.  Thank you. My apologies for being vague.  And Kyle, my apologies, if I seem to be using your blog to discuss my own dillema.
  
  
  

• pusscat said on May 06, 2009....

  Thank you Joanna :)  I hate to see people suffer, really I do so if I can ever be of help I do try :)

• silverwhisper said on May 06, 2009....

  kyle, i haven't been around, so i don't have the benefit of picking up on clues and subtext like i once did.
  
  but i do know this: if you do anything but but true to yourself, that would be exactly the kind of mistake that takes something very bad indeed and makes it tragic.
  
  whatever the hell is going on, be true to yourself and trust yourself. because the truth is that you do have good instincts, kyle. you were just starting to trust them when i was still active.
  
  ed

• pickersplock said on May 06, 2009....

  Sometimes you just need to snap out of it!
  Does it help to know that every new parent feels incapable and scared?
  That no one actually gets their life in order until they're like 35+?
   
  Just keep plugging along day by day, wondering what new adventure will happen tomorrow, and bingo!  One day you'll get there.
  It may not be 'til you're 78, but you'll get there and you'll think, "What the hell was I thinking?"
   
  But it's all okay.
   
  You don't have to be happy all the time, or ever!
  Just feel what you feel and if you get through life without killing yourself or someone else, you can be proud to say, "I made it! Whew!"

• Lucytorial said on May 06, 2009....

  Kyle...... you think yourself into a frenzy sometimes hon.  There is a book "Stop thinking start living" the title is really appropriate.  If you worry so much about the little things the big things, the fun things, the amazing things won't shine... you are in for a big joy ride in a month.... keep putting one step in front of the other and I believe silvr said a great thing "Trust your self"

• wombat said on May 06, 2009....

  I can say that for one thing, you are a very intelligent and aware human being.  (stress the word "human," as you describe these emotions so well that others may feel also, but can't express or even identify.  Maybe that's one rung up from a lot of people, myself included.  I've been told that I "just don't know how to be happy."  Mostly what I do is bolt from closeness, then falsely try to lay blame on external factors. I don't see you trying to "lay blame" anywhere, which is good, I think.  You are just expressing your own feelings and wondering why they exist.  I wish I could answer that--I really do.  Maybe there isn't a clear cut answer for that, but there's always hope that intelligence and determination will keep you climbing up that ladder one rung at a time, day by day.  Hugs and well-wishes for you and all those close around you. 

  (I kept this with the curser blinking for a good while--wondering if I should just delete and start over.  I don't trust myself to say anything that makes sense or might be helpful.  I read the comments above and they say what I wish I could say.  You have many good friends here, you know?)

  wombie

• truthsayer50 said on May 21, 2009....

  I understand. It's hell. Even more so because of the fear that there is no way out, but the hope that there is keeps you going. It's a double edged sword. The pain is relentless and at best, sometimes you can take the edge off. The only release is to voice your feelings. The relief is brief and temporary. For now, that may be all that keeps you sane. So, keep reaching out, keep releasing the pent up anguish. There are people who understand completely. Knowing that you can vent to them can be your sanctuary. Do it as often as you must. It helps others that are going through the same thing , too. May God bless you and help you in your struggle.

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