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Sometimes a response on someone else's post becomes elaborate enough to generate a post of its own. In this case, I was responding to someone who had been cheated on.
It started me thinking about the whole issue of monogamy, and that - along with my usual intense sensation of Spring Fever - led to this:
Okay....risking the entry of a male voice, here. Rain, I understand your intense anger, as I've been subjected to very much the same and for similar reasons. Although no pregnancy resulted in my case.
I'm not sure if adding this perspective is going to be "helpful" or if it's going to upset you further, and if it does I'm not intending it to. But life is complicated.
Betrayal sucks, but where does betrayal begin? It sometimes begins with hypocrisy, and sometimes that means pretending to be what we aren't from the beginning.
I've pretended to be committed to monogamy, but it has NEVER been sincere. It has never come from the heart, from believing that it was possible, from thinking that ONE woman would satisfy me from here on out....
If my GF reads this, she'd better not get weird on me. I've been loyal to her for 9 years. But she has always claimed to know that not only MEN but PEOPLE are not, by nature, monogamous. Yes we're "intellectuals" and make choices and sacrifices and on and on, yet when we act against our nature we create an internal paradox and may even end up thinking of ourselves as "evil" at the core.
Is all of life to be dedicated to suppressing our base urges? Perhaps. But we aren't suppressing an urge to murder by not killing others. We aren't suppressing some "urge to deprive others" by not allowing ourselves to steal. Murder and theft are deviations from regular behavior, not things we really want to do. In fact, criminal behavior is not a natural urge. It's a deviation.
People want to fuck. We want to fuck several people. You do too. You don't do it because (a) obvious consequences with the spouse if discovered (b) you haven't been tempted by the right intruder (c) you hate actual sex? (d) you're distracted by real life but figure you'll get around to your affair once the kids have grown...or something. But you'd do George Clooney if the chance came up. If George wanted you and wooed you, and absolutely promised discretion, you'd go. My GF would succumb to Clint Eastwood even NOW, old as he is. And we came dangerously close to turmoil when I actually met MY female equivalent of George and she was so nice, so magical and a doll....but didn't come on to me that way. If she had....
Now I can BE monogamous...but it's not at all easy. NEVER. It's a conscious choice and it has to be worthy. I just figured out recently that I've spent (this is a guess, I'm not with that file at the moment) about 21 years of my 39-year sexual history in monogamous relationships. I'm working up a post on this. So that leaves 16 years of playing around and 2 years of abstinence (non-consecutive).
HEADLINE: I got bored messing around with lots of women, just like I sometimes get bored being with the same woman. The possibility? Sexual routine is boring. Sexual diversification is satisfying, including periods of abstinence. This often takes place during marriage. {Note to my GF - one reason I've been with you so long is because your body always turns me on in every way whenever we're naked together, the way we feel together, fit together and explore each other is still exciting...}
Even so, I'd like to do somebody else soon. In fact, I've got a gigantic case of SPRING FEVER. It's an actual phenomenon. And no matter how sexy my GF is - and she is not only sexy, she's also got one of the most beautiful smiles known to man - I'm looking at all types of women right now.
I'm in a position at work where everyone looks to me for guidance. This leads to lots of misunderstood interactions when it comes to the women. Many of them openly flirt with me. Several have come up with reason to give me their phone numbers or to get mine. And I think some of you read my piece about getting close to Annette Funicello's niece - who still calls me, BTW. Last week a very attractive Hispanic lady took a banana out of her purse, put it to her lips and winked mischievously at me. A very attractive blonde, who turns out to be an actress, wants to have coffee with me and gave me her number.
Yet here I am, still doing nothing about this urge. How many more years will these opportunities present themselves? What is this jungle calling that blooms from the juice of my cells and will not be ignored?
I might go on until the end with my GF and never touch another. Why? Because I understand what's going on, and would only allow it to happen under extraordinary circumstances. Early in our relationship GF said "I know men have to cheat eventually, but please, please make sure I don't find out!"
Anyway, it sounds like you feel some guilt about not being there for hubby sexually, but righteous about being there for him financially. It's not an equal trade. Apples and oranges. You can't buy his sexuality away from him. What did this girl see in him? A sexy man? And did she let him see himself that way, after years of being kept?
And bringing the children into the fray? Irresponsible. You can cripple them mentally for life by burdening them with adult emotional responsibilities. Do you want them to be in therapy until they're 60? Of course they beg you to stay. So now you stay. You die inside. And they blame themselves. It was their fault. You made it so. Rather than "sacrificing a lot for my kids" you are sacrificing the kids for your denial.
Now you content yourself with torturing hubby to vent the guilt you feel about all of it, reducing him to a "monkey" in your own denial.
Crawl out of your hole and "man up." Get tough, now. For the kids. Act like a grown-up and either forgive the guy or leave him. And do it because you decided, not your poor kids.
Good luck.
--------------End response. So now I'm wondering about YOUR near-affair experiences. Do you guys sense an extreme amount of flirtation in the air?
Have YOU been tempted?
- OO -
