I hadn't realized that this was my problem. I was sure that I trusted Daddy 100%, until he pointed out this morning that I didn't. I trusted him with my body yes, and yes my heart too, but I didn't trust him with my thoughts, and I didn't trust his thoughts either. If you read my last blog you know I was in a bit of a bad state...and I have been quite reflective today as a result of my conversation with Daddy this morning.
Last night our conversatin turned into an argument. I kept accusing him of thinking about other women..he said he thought abou them as much as I had thought about other men. Well, the ones he was talking about I never thought about unless they were right in front of me. But I realized this morning that I had been tired and trying to pick a fight with Daddy, not that that is any kind of excuse.
I think a large part of my worries is that I"m insecure. At least when it comes to my certain things..I'm so afraid of messing up and not being good enough that it is easier to convince myself I'm not good enough, then it is to actually have to hear Daddy say I'm not. I know it doesn't make much sense but it's there.
THis morning though Daddy called to make sure I was okay. He promised he would call, and he always keeps his promises. So we got to talking and he made me see that I hadn't been trusting him. I wasn't trusting that he wasn't thinking about anything other than ways to make me serve him. He explained how consumed he is with thoughts of me, there is no room for anything else. It's the same for me. I just want to be the best sub I can for him. I want to meet his needs and fill his desires. I hate to displease him...it physically hurts me to cause him pain or to fail at something he asks of me. I need to serve him..I can't help it.
Daddy wasn't mad, I had been worried that he would be. He told me I am a beautiful sub, and that we are still working on things. That he would train me to trust him with every part of me, to let him control my thoughts as well as my body...it would just take time. I know he is right, but I want to be able to do it all right now. I want to give him that. All in all, everything Daddy said was right...It just took me a while I see it. And now I sort of understand how Daddy feels when he has to watch me get checked out by some of the other men at our job..
There was a moment on Friday where I was sitting on the floor behind my desk trying to calm down ( that is where I go when I panic, I built myself a little box so to speak). Daddy is insightful enough to know that it doesn't help when he gets inside my box, so he sat backwards in a chair facing me, while he talked. While he talked I scooted up to his leg, wrapped my arms around it, and laid my head on his knee. He started to pet my hair, and when he stopped I would push my head against his hand. I needed him to touch me. I needed to touch him...I knew he could fix things. and I felt that as long as he was touching me, I would be okay. Daddy told me today that he realized at that moment how vulnerable I was to him. And that was what he had been thinking about all weekend. How vulnerable i was and how much I needed him.
Honestly, I'd been dreaming about being at Daddy's feet for a while. I thought he would think it silly. But I like sitting there. I'm safe there. Nothing can get me. But on Friday I was holding on to him because he was my lifeline. I was his pet, and he was my Master. I was going to drown without him, and as long as he was touching me I would be fine. It was such a powerful moment for me..and I now know it was for him. Thinking about that moment I wonder how I could ever think that he was wanting something else.
But I guess that is part of being a sub..learning and being trained. Daddy will make me into the perfect sub for him, I have no doubt. But he is also sure to tell me I"m beautiful now. I am so eager to learn what Daddy wants me to do, what he wants to teach me. I"m never happier than when I get to serve him.
He has jusy duty this week. So I am in charge again...lol well sort of. I got to see him for a moment while I picked up the keys to the classroom. He looked perfect...his hair down, his strong arm, I could see every muscle....he stared at me with love in his eyes. We got to have a little bit of play time...He even let me taste him...which was a treat for me..I had been only able to lick his precum off my fingers after I stroked him. This is what made my day...my few minutes with my Dom...my Master...my Daddy. It was more than I could hope..and it was everything I needed.
