I need to collect my thoughts on things.  I just got back from seeing my shrink, goodness how I really needed to see her.  She has made me feel quite a bit better, though I still feel the sadness lingering unfortunetly.  Let me backtrack and catch myself up to speed on how everything connects. 

     So I was chatting with poker guy, and he was in a bad mood.  I had been ignoring him, and he pops up and starts complaining about his day.  I try to sympathize, but then he sends me a picture of him in his underwear, the jerk, of course he looks hot.  I ask why he's teasing me and he says ya sorry I knew that was evil of me.  What a bastard, so I happen to have some provactive pictures of me and I send him one, which to my delight completely surprises him.  Anyway, he starts in on how we should be friends with benefits, I couldn't agree, but eventually we said we'd meet up the next night and see how it goes.  I was ok with that.  So next day he's changed his mind, he doesn't want to hurt me, he's using his logic that day and says he wants to give it time instead, maybe make some rules.  I was pissed, I had been looking forward to getting something, making out at the very least, that night.  Then after I calm down I see that's probably the best thing that could have ever happened. 

    Anyway, shortly after that I'm bummed, but my forgien, however you spell it, friend asks me if I'd like to hang out.  I say sure, even though I feel crappy, but I figure going out will be more helpful to me.  We were talking and I started to feel bad because it was hard for me to focus on him, and maybe I shouldn't have gone out with him.  We take a walk, and he starts to make some moves on me, I don't know how I feel about him so I just let it continue.  Eventually he kisses me and it's ok, I'm still not sure yet.  I just know he's an actual good guy, not like the people I've been going on dates with lately, who always ask me on the first date if i'd like to go to their place and I say no and never hear from them again.

    So that brings me to today and my counselor.  She asked how I was doing and I told her not so well.  I told her about poker guy and how I was sick and failing my class and how depressed I'd been or have been.  She said I need to focus on friends right now and to be patient pretty much since it's going to take time.  That way I have support when things go bad with guys.  We got into how my family has been making me feel lately, such as I can't really identify with my mom and brother like I could with my Dad.  She said maybe I'm looking for that kind of support in a guy, I think in some ways I probably am.  She could tell how upsetting that was for me, and she asked if I had been thinking of hurting myself and I was honest and said ya a little bit.  She seemed worried and said it's ok to call the Suicide Hotline just to be safe, that she'd rather I call it then not call when it's to late.  All that really kind of freaks me out though, it's hard to think of me being that close to the edge so to speak, but from how honest I was trying to be and her concern it seems it's possible. 

     I said ok, that I'll do if it happens again.  She asked what would I think if this guy made me more sad.  I said I'd probably start thinking what is wrong with me, why is no one into me.  She said how that's it right there.  I need to see that it's not me, it's these guys I'm going out with.  They don't give enough time to get to know me, and that's because they're looking for a hook up.  She said once I get more assertive and have my self esteem up, these guys will act that way and leave me alone.  Which is what has been happening, and then I'll start to attract nicer guys, or ones that are looking for what I am looking for.  Also, maybe the site that I'm using to find people is just a place for hook ups.  That's right on I think, nothing good has come out of that site, except for a couple of good friends, a few make out sessions and lots of dates where I'm asked if I'd like to go back to their place.

   Hearing that really puts me at ease on dating.  I couldn't see why this was happening to me, and figured it was me, but it's not, thank God.  So I am ok, I am likeable.  I told her I know I should think more positively, but it is so hard to believe in good things right now.  She said that's ok, that for now I just need to argue with myself and try to think in terms of what would she say to me in a situation, because I will believe her.  Eventually I will feel better about myself and get to a point where I will believe what I say to myself. 

   That is some really really good stuff.  It has calmed me down a lot, freaked me out a little and given me lots to think about.  I still feel a little sad, that stuff about my Dad and my family always gets me down, and I'm concerned I'll get to feeling really down again like I was.  I also feel like now I know how to refine my search on a good guy, which troubles me, why do I want one so bad?  Is that ok?  Am I just distracting myself from something else?  What would my counselor think...hmmm.  It's going to be hard to think like her, she's smart, but I will try it, what else can I do. 

    It's strange though, after we were done talking I chose to drive through school instead of around it, as I was going through the parking lot I ran into my forgien, however you spell it, friend.  I asked if he'd like a ride and he said sure.  I kind of wanted to go think about this stuff and I was feeling teary, but he helped distract me, good or bad I don't know.  Then he said he had some time, so we went to have some tea.  It was nice to not have to go be by myself just yet, but I still don't know how I feel about him, I don't think I'm as attracted to him as I'd like to be.  That sucks, he's really nice and a good person.  Stupid hormones.  Anyway, it's weird how everything is working the way it is.  I could have slept with a lousy guy, but now I don't have that chose, I got some insight on what's going on with me and there's a really nice person interested in me who I run into at interesting times.  The universe/God is pretty hilarious if I do say so myself.  I am ok for now though and that's what matters.