Have I mentioned that I have arachnophobia? I know I told you I'm germaphobic and heightaphobic and that I was agoraphobic years ago, but I don't remember confessing to the arach-thingy. Well, I am.
This morning I gathered together all the money I earned in tips for the week as I do every Thursday. I love money....earning it, counting it, saving it....just having it makes me happy even if I don't spend it. I paper clip the ones into bundles of $25, stick the leftovers in my wallet, and roll the coins. When I come home each night I throw all the coins in a plastic bucket and the bills into an old purse in the hall closet. I usually wind up with $75 or $80 in ones and $30 or $40 in quarters. Not bad for 4 days, huh? But I work really hard for those tips...funny and charming doesn't come cheap...lol.
I brought the bucket and purse into the den and put them on the coffee table and I thought I saw something move in the bucket. I shook it a little and saw the ugliest brown spider running around my money like crazy. My heart started pounding, my hands got sweaty, and I felt dizzy and nauseous. I grabbed the bucket and quickly turned it upside down on the rug, trapping the spider inside...and sat on it.
How long before a spider smothers, I wondered. And will it smother or is the carpeting plush enough to allow a tiny pocket of air inside it's teeny, tiny lungs? Does it have lungs? A nose? How long can I sit here? What time is it? 8:30. I've been sitting here since...8:29. Crap. My husband/Bughunter doesn't get home for....9 1/2 hours. I gotta pee. If I could reach my phone I would call him...I know my hero would fly to my rescue. But I can't reach my phone, and he works 37 miles away. I have to pee too bad to wait that long.
So, here's the plan. I'll stand up and hold the bucket down with my left hand. Then, if I can stretch far enough, I can reach the 750 page hardcover thesaurus and put it on top of the bucket. It should weigh about 1 lb, right? Run over there, grab the dictionary...how many pages, how many...918...whoa, this sucker's heavy....good, good. What else..what else...hello! There's two 5 lb weights in the hall closet! Damn, the closet is so far away! But I can do this. Run!
Ok, that's about 12 lbs of weight holding down a bucket with a spider that weighs about 1 trillionth of an ounce trapped inside. I think I'm safe now. If I move the arm chair a little to the left, leave the bathroom door open and lean to the right a little, I can keep my eye on the spider in case he tries to break out.
In case you think I'm overreacting (ya think?), we have almost every poisonous spider in the country right here in good ol' Moldy Roach, NC, and it's spider season. As soon as the weather starts to warm up all the bugs come into the house. Why? It's beautiful outside, why do they want to come in the damn house? I don't even want to be inside, why do they?
I'm used to killing 1 or 2 black spiders a day, they're harmless and slow, so they don't bother me. But this was a brown spider...a fast, skinny, brown spider. My friend, Judy, was bitten by a brown spider 17 months ago and she almost lost her foot. She had 2 surgeries to remove dead tissue and still has to have dying tissue removed every few months. Each time new skin grows over the wound it begins to die within a few weeks. Certain spiders have necrotizing venom that continues to destroy the tissue for a long time and there's nothing to be done about it. It stops when it stops. So I wasn't gonna be taking any chances, know what I mean?
For the first few hours I kept my eye on the bucket looking for any movement, a little "HELP ME" sign, a tiny spider ambulance, anything. After a while I relaxed enough to vacuum the hall closet in case he/she left any family behind, but I didn't see anything. Phew.
At 4:30 my husband called to see if I needed anything from the store...no, come on right home, dear. You don't have to stop at the store for me, nope, uh uh. Hurry home.
When he came home at 6 o'clock he opened the closet door to throw his change in the bucket and...no bucket.
"Where's the bucket?"
"In the den."
walk, walk, walk, walk, walk...
"Hon, were you building a fort?"
"I'm smothering a spider."
"Ok. What time did you start smothering him?"
"About 8:30 this morning."
"I don't see him, he must be dead."
I was at his side in a shot with rubber gloves.
"Put these on before you lift it up."
"What? Why?"
"It's poisonous."
"It's dead!"
"But the poison may be on the coins, or the rug. Put these on."
"You're not right, you know that?"
"Uh huh. Put these on."
"I don't see a spider in here."
"Don't use your hands, it might run up your arm! Use your foot!"
"Hon, the gloves are on my hands, not my feet."
"There he is, there...he's dead. Or playing dead."
"Get me a tissue."
"Eww, eww, eww, eww, eww, eww, eww...here."
So itsy bitsy spider was flushed down the toilet.... in hubby's bathroom, not mine. I sprayed the coins with Lysol and I'll pick them up tomorrow....after all the poison has evaporated, or whatever.
Twylarants posted on Apr 30, 2009
| views: 426
Comments
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evil_twin said on Apr 30, 2009....
OMG, this story cracked me up! I hate spiders too and I'm afraid to squish black widow because I think the venom will somehow seep through whatever I smash it with, and absorb into my skin. So I probably would have been worried about the venomous money too! :-P
I really thought for a minute that the spider wasn't going to be under that bucket anymore and then you'd have to stay up all night and stand guard waiting for him to show himself again! Glad you stayed safe ;-)
-evil_twin LA
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Twylarants said on Apr 30, 2009....
Don't think that wasn't my first thought as soon as he said he didn't see it. Oh my God, it's loose in the room! Now I have to have the whole room hermetically sealed and we can never go in here again!
What's wrong with us? Where do we come up with this stuff? I'm so sorry you're this way, but I'm so glad I'm not alone.
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evil_twin said on Apr 30, 2009....
You're just lucky you live with Bug Hunter, because I'm supposed to BE the bug hunter and I don't wanna be! Nat hates spiders too so it's always like a crisis Haz Mat situation involving the vacuum and rubber gloves and some screaming (from her, not me -- though I feel like doing it sometimes!) I have no idea what's wrong with us, but we're not alone!
-evil_twin LA
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Hegemone said on Apr 30, 2009....
Whoa, at first I was thinking 'Yeah, lot of drama for a spider.' but then you explained about the spider season and having various types of poisonous ones and I'm pretty sure I'd have done damn near the same thing ... minus the Lysol all over the change anyway, but it'd be my own ignorance that got me for that one then, lol. Glad the smother job worked and your hubby got rid of that nasty little critter once and for all! -
Twylarants said on Apr 30, 2009....
Did I tell you about the time I heard this loud THUD come from my oldest's room? He was about 15 and terrified of bugs. I had to be the Bughunter that time because the real one was working. I saw him standing with his hand inside one of his huge sneakers, and the sneaker was pressed against the wall.
"What?" I asked him.
"Centipede!" he managed to croak out.
"Ok. Move your hand and I'll clean it up."
"I can't, Ma."
"What do you mean, why not? Isn't it dead?"
"Ma, I can't feel my arm, I can't move my arm!"
Well, he was only 15, so I was pretty sure he wasn't having a stroke. I told him I'd hold the shoe against the wall just in case this was Centipedezilla, and he could take his hand out and go wait in the hallway til I was done. He did, and a few seconds later I heard the back door slam. He waited outside.
I wonder where he gets it from.
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Lucytorial said on Apr 30, 2009....
Like Uni you could never truly relax at my house with all those bugs, spiders.... big bugs... like water scorpians.... LOL Twily you're such a girl. -
queenparanoia said on Apr 30, 2009....
i hate spiders!!!! and this post just made made me hate them more!!! was it really poisonous??? -
beyondtheveil said on Apr 30, 2009....
twyla- Your friend Judy was most probably bitten by the Brown Recluse or sometimes called the violin spider. As opposed to the Black Widow which attacks the nervous system, the Recluse attacks muscle tissue, hence the surgeries.
Although most bites aren't serious, we know two people who have had extensive surgeries from this spider. You can google it and get all kinds of pics to identify it. Best to stay away from this little dude.
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the_infernal_optimist said on Apr 30, 2009....
As hilarious as it is to read about, I feel the exact same way!! And you're right that your state has some poisonous spiders (like beyond said, including the brown recluse). [shudders] You were not overreacting one little bit, not in my book!
Random aside: looks like I'll be in your town around Christmas this year. At least it won't be spider season by then! :-p
~Infernal -
Twylarants said on Apr 30, 2009....
Lu~ No, no, no! I'll only travel north, never south! This is as south as I go! Ewww!
I don't know, Queenie. The trick down here is to never leave anything alone for too long. You have to move stuff around all the time so the spiders don't get too comfortable.
Beyond ~ There was some debate over the type of spider that bit Judy, but it was agreed that it was a necrotizing spider. So many people have horror stories about being bitten. Even after the poison is done doing damage, the tissue never grows back and the victim is left disfigured.
Ferny ~ will you be flying? If so, look.... or listen.... for me in the gate area of the airport. Short gray hair, glasses, big mouth...you can't miss me.
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travelr712 said on Apr 30, 2009....
my mom is so afraid of spiders that she freezes when she sees them. i mean really, she just locks into a terrified position and doesn't move till the thing is dead. at least you can take action against the critters, so cudos to you twirley :-) -
GrapeKoolaid said on Apr 30, 2009....
Growing up, I lived in a place where the cockroaches were about 1 1/2 to 2 inches long. My ma had the art of swatting them down to an art. It didn't matter whether the bug was on the wall, carpet or linoleum floor. She'd smack it with her slipper and the little bugger would jump up and lie on it's back, dead. No splatter, no mess.Being the sherrif of the bug free zone I have a lot of enemies in the insect kingdom. I sleep with one eye open, the rare occasion when I do sleep. -
Twylarants said on Apr 30, 2009....
Trav ~ Your poor mom! Just like my kid, so frozen with fear he thought his arm was paralyzed. Oh, I always react immediately in a crisis...I have to do something...yell, throw things, run around like a chicken without a head, bark orders at someone, slap faces...something. Then I fall apart when it's all over.
Like the time the toilet overflowed...I put the lid down. Yeah, that works.
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Twylarants said on Apr 30, 2009....
Grape ~ We have Palmetto bugs down hear. Really pretty name for something that looks like Darth Vader and buzzes. I swear I can hear a spider crawling on the wall in the dark. It wakes me up immediately and I don't go back to sleep until I've killed it. -
travelr712 said on Apr 30, 2009....
well, at least the lid keeps the big chunks in :-D -
the_infernal_optimist said on Apr 30, 2009....
Not flying -- you're only about three hours from me, I think. Car trip with three littles! (Though flying kind of sounds better when I put it that way...) I wonder if we'd be able to sneak an hour for a meetup or something...
[cracks up] Oh, your description of palmetto bugs...too true! It's like roachzilla...with wings!
At least june bugs are slow and stupid. You can thump those suckers out of the air!
~Infernal
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Twylarants said on Apr 30, 2009....
Ferny...what about stink bugs? I never heard of such a thing til I moved here. I was just about to step on one in work when I heard someone yell, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!", and felt myself being shoved out of the way. Thank God! Saved by a 12 year old girl from that horrid smell! -
fragglesrock said on May 01, 2009....
this whole thing has me cracking up! the post AND the comments! people feel very passionate about bugs don't they? hey, i'm not excluded from my statement either. bees send me over the edge. -
Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
Good morning, Frags...yeah, I hate bees too. Slow-flying bugs don't bother me....I can outrun them, but bees seem to have an agenda. And wasps! What the hell is the deal with wasps and my car? As soon as I start my car a stupid wasp hovers over the hood. Does the engine sound like a wasp mating call? -
uniquely-ironic said on May 01, 2009....
LMAO I'm so relieved to see I'm not the only one who feels like this about spiders. I'd have done much the same, or gotten a flame thrower to make sure it was good and dead. -
superbozo said on May 01, 2009....
BWAAAHAHAHAHA.....OMG. When I first got to Australia from the U.K. I was totally paranoid about the amount of things that seemed to be able to kill you with one bite. When I was in the Brit army jungle warfare training in Borneo made 7ft muscle men scream like girls when they awoke to huge insect/alien creatures crawling on their face or person. I'll never forget those screams they are burnt into my memory.There's a thing called the Huntsmen here. It actually leaps at you when you try to squish or capture it. It can be as big as a hand. Though I'm told it's not deadly. I do not trust the mutha f er.Then there's the tunnel web. This bastard hides in little holes in the ground and jumps out to ambush you. Combine that with the deadliest snakes in the world and it makes you wonder why there are any Aussies left alive.Go on Lucy tell them. -
Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
Do spiders serve any purpose at all? I mean beside providing me with exercise when I bend down to clean up the schmutz?
Do they eat bugs that are detrimental to the well being of third world countries or to my garden or to my pets, if I had pets?
Do we raise them like worms for profit? (yuck!)
Do we export them, do they play a vital part in the American economy?
Are they an endangered species?
In the event of a global food shortage, can we cook them and eat them in order to survive?
Is PETA gonna rename them "Karpet Kitties????
I gotta know these things!
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Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
Because Aussies are a hearty, fearless people genetically while I am a gigantic wussy-girl. -
uniquely-ironic said on May 01, 2009....
Oh great! Now I find out that I was living in the death by spider capital of the world for a full week! Lucy kept saying stuff like "they're harmless" and shit. -
the_infernal_optimist said on May 01, 2009....
Oh my God, yes, the stink bugs! I thought they were everywhere...I guess we're just blessed! :-p
~Infernal
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Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
Makes jet lag look like a day at the beach, huh? -
Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
No, Ferny...I think the south has the market on stink bugs. At least I never saw one in Jersey. "Stink Bug" was just an endearing name you called a baby while you changed it diaper.
"Do you have a present for Mommy, you Little Stink Bug, you? *gag, hack, choke eww*"
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Brunettebmshell said on May 01, 2009....
Bahhahahaha! Twyla you are absolutely hilarious my dear. I was thoroughly entertained and laughing out loud the whole time. Your husband is fantastic as well. I loved, "You're not right, you know that?".... and then you were just like, uh huh, yeah whatever, just put the damn gloves on and kill the nasty thing. Too funny, thanks for the laugh!BB -
Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
Hey, BB. Last night he came over to the computer to kiss me goodnight and said, very seriously, "Remember, I'm just a phone call away. If you need me, if you see a spider...." and then he cracked up.
I said, "You're never gonna let me hear the end of this, are you?"
"Probably not! I can't wait to tell Juanita and Cheryl tomorrow...bwa ha ha..." and he went upstairs.
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pickersplock said on May 01, 2009....
Oddly enough, spiders don't bother me in the least.I don't care for snakes, but I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of them.And mice are just so darned cute! -
Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
No more Disney vacations for you! -
Lucytorial said on May 01, 2009....
LOL @ pickers......I love bats too, their faces are just far too cute to be harmfull to anything or one.. except of course if you are a bug. -
gingersoul said on May 01, 2009....
Twilly......i can't care less about spiders...they don't faze me a bit...
The trick is ...they have LEGS.....and anything "leggie" don't freak me out at all.
Now, talking about snakes though.....only one word: kill.....:-D
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pickersplock said on May 01, 2009....
Just think of spiders as web kittens. -
Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
Girls, I don't care what it is, I do not want it in my house. That's what God invented outside for and if it worked for the cavemen, it should work for us.
Things that crawl, fly, buzz, creep, have more than 2 legs and isn't a cat or dog, belong on the other side of my door, period.
If I wanted it in the house, I invite it in.
Oh, did I ever tell you about the caterpillar that stalked my husband?
Last year I was watering a flower box and saw something that looked like a furry, black kitten under one of the plants.
On closer inspection I realized it was the Godzilla of caterpillars. No kidding, it was....look at your keyboard...it would have covered 'z' to 'm' lengthwise, and any 2 rows thick-wise.
Ok, so I hyperventilated and all that, and summoned the Bughunter. He surveyed the situation, went into the shed, and came out with one of my gardening gloves on his hand. They're so cute, my gloves. They're turquoise...no, teal, with pink stars....(he said stop describing the gloves, just say he wore manly bug-killing hand protection.)
He reached under the flowers and pulled this hideous thing out, yelled "it has teeth!", and flung it as far over the fence as he could.
I saw it lying in the grass like a dog deposit and thought that was the end of it. Don't report us to the ASPCA yet, ok?
The next morning I came downstairs, made a cup of tea, and opened the back door to go outside. Are you ready?
The caterpillar was on the back step.
I called to my husband, "Hon, the caterpillar wants you to come outside."
"What?"
"The caterpillar is looking for you but I told him to wait on the porch."
He walked past me looking at me as though I had two heads and started out the door.
He almost fell backwards when the stupid thing began to crawl in the house.
I won't tell you how he finally got rid of it, but that thing had to crawl about 30 feet, squeeze under the fence, through the garden, across the patio, and up 4 stairs to reach my door.
I wonder what it would have done to him.
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gingersoul said on May 01, 2009....
Twilly.....oh, come on.......caterpillars are cute....:-)
But I agree with you "If I wanted it in the house, I invite it in".....lol.. -
javadewd said on May 01, 2009....
The day after my wedding I was driving my mom home with my wife in the car. There was some sort of multi-legged insect on the inside of the windshield and my wife hates bugs, so I went to slap it with my hand, not realizing that it was now outfitted with a new metal facet and almost shattered the whole windshield. Thank God I wasn't the only one laughing hysterically after I did that...
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Twylarants said on May 01, 2009....
Ginger ~ not cute! Not this one...no, no, no!
"At maturity gypsy moth caterpillars grow to nearly 2 1/2 inches. These older caterpillars are dark brown to black in color and covered with long, stiff, black hairs."
My front lawn back in Jersey was infested with crickets, so I was looking for the name of an exterminator. My husband was all "Awww, you can't kill little crickets." They weren't wearing little top hats and teaching kids how to spell encyclopedia! They were huge, ugly, black insects!
UGH!
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GrapeKoolaid said on May 02, 2009....
Twyla: What time is it? Time to move to a different house maybe? :) -
Twylarants said on May 02, 2009....
ohmygodohmygod
ohmygodohmygod
ohmygodohmygod
ohmygodohmygod
ohmygodohmygod
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ewwwwwwwwwww