I don't wanna write another depressing post, but that's how it is lately. I'm not sure whats going on with me. I guess I'm just way to absorbed with this guy, who I wrote about here. He broke my heart, but at least I got answers. Now we're trying to be friends and we discussed it yesterday. He said he does like me, but he doesn't want to lead me on like he has with his past relationships. He said he felt the same way with his past girlfriends, but led them on and he doesn't want to do that anymore and I deserve better. I also asked when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship if that really meant he wasn't into me, he said it's 50/50. Then he started going on about the good things he liked about me, it was nice to hear, but makes me sad too. I asked why he'd give me up then, he said its really hard to, that maybe he'll rethink it. Ugh, but I know he's not crazy about me, and that seems to be what he's looking for. I couldn't help ask if there was nothing I could do, but he wouldn't give me an answer. I'm taking it so hard, I'm trying to tell myself he's not that great.
We changed the subject, got to talking about other things. I mentioned how I really thought he was going to force himself on me and how that has happened to me once. He didn't even acknowledge how terrible that is, he just went on about something else. Then we talked about happier stuff, I mentioned some things I was into, but he didn't seem to interested. He was really tired he said, but still that shows me for sure he's not into me. I'm trying so hard to see that he's a selfish jerk, but that's just my head and it won't go to my heart, which just see's it as if he liked me he'd acknowledge those good and bad things and it makes me hurt more. It also makes me think he needs to change that about himself, it's not a good thing to be like that so much, if there was some way I could help him fix that...but ya that's dumb you can't change a guy. Then I get to thinking about my foreign friend I'll call him. He bought me a stuffed animal, keeps mentioning things we can do, likes to text me a lot. I'll tell him about some bad things or good things and he listens and says stuff that I like to hear. Unfortunetly I don't know if I'm that into him. Ugh, why does this stuff make no sense and never work out?
All of that stuff and having been sick, now I'm failing a class I didn't think I'd fail, it's all really gotten to me. None of my friends are around these days so it's extra hard. I keep thinking I can go home in two weeks if I want to. I just don't feel like it though, I don't like it at home that much, maybe just because last time I was there I didn't have a good time. I feel like it's just a place to be more comfortably depressed at.
I just feel all alone, no one understands me or ever will. I thought this guy did, but it's not the same for him. I don't know where all my friends went, it's like God or the universe is forceing me to be by myself right now and I really don't get why. I also realize how sucky dating is, how in the world do people find someone else that accepts them and loves them for them? It's either one or the other it seems to me right now and having both is like one in a million. That makes me depressed too. I know I shouldn't be so negative, it's really not helping, but it's just my mood is there, my feelings are there.
I'm going to go try to get some dinner, try to get out of my place, that usually helps a little to go outside. Try to calm down and hope things get better.
