I didn't think it was such a big deal to have a blog.  I wrote what I felt, what I was thinking and about the things that bothered me.  I wrote about  being a lesbian, about getting married and suddenly having 3 stepchildren to deal with.  Is it such a big deal?  Is it so wrong that I never told my partner about it?  Those were things I couldn't tell her to her face but at the same time I couldn't keep them inside of me anymore.

The blog was my escape from reality for a few minutes every day.  I'd tell about what happened during the day which was almost always about a fight Kim had with the kids.  If it wasn't one it was the other and if it wasn't about money it was about parenting.  I stayed out of those fights because I knew I wasn't their parent and it wasn't my place.  They obviously had issues to deal with and why should I try to fix them?

She found an earlier blog I had where I was venting a little too much I guess.  I don't even remember how she found the blog but she did.  That didn't end well.  We didn't talk for a couple of days until I finally got sick of her crying every five minutes.  Finally I said I was sorry and lets move on.  She promised she wouldn't read my blog again.  Just to be safe I created a new account and began venting even more than before.  I thought I was safe.  I was wrong.

Today for the first time, I was scared we were getting divorced.  She found my user name because I had the page open one day and she looked over my shoulder.  She was on the computer early this morning and I guess she was reading my blog.  She then came across one in particular where I said I was resorting to cheating on her.  I created a personal ad, one I completely forgot about, and looked at it.  I could tell something was up because she had that look on her face, one that screamed disappointment.

I confronted her first and asked what was wrong.  She then told me and I never felt so angry.  So betrayed.  She read my blog.  She is the last person I'd want to read my blog.  I wrote about so much in there.  About how I hated the way she disciplined the kids.  How I hated the kids.  I wrote everything down and she read it then said how is it different from everyone else reading it.  The difference is, nobody else knows who I am.  They don't know my name or what I look like.  They only know me as another faceless blogger.

I never wanted her to see any of it and now I feel like I have lost her trust.

I wonder if she'll find this one too.  And if she does what will happen?  I don't want to leave. I don't want to have an unhappy marriage but is that what it's all coming down to?  I don't have people I can just talk to like this.  Nobody else understands.  I am alone.  I don't know what to do.  I live through blogging.  I'd rather write than speak.  Sometimes I think the only contact I'd like with the outside world are those comments strangers leave behind.

This is my blog.  This is my life.  Uncensored.