• gingersoul said on Sep 03, 2006....

  LTBeach, what a load on your shoulder!
  I am truly sorry.
  
  But when you first met this hoerible person did he wear a mask so perfect you didn't see any sight of his sickness? How do you end up marrying him? i can't even imagine the level of emotional damage he inflicted not only to you but your children.
  For me, i don't know anybody who can even remotely be compared to him.
  
  Sometimes i wonder why we meet certain people. What drawns us to that particular person and make us avoid other ones. I have read that we tend to duplicate the relationship we once had with our parent of the opposite in choosing our partner.
  
  Do you think in your case is it true? Is always our weakness that feed these monsters? And why do we have to feel guilty and responsable for our bad choices, like we were looking for trouble this big?
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 03, 2006....

  He hid it very well, although looking back, I should have noticed some of it. They say a man will treat his wife the way he treats his mother. He treated his mother terribley. I justified it b/c his mother is a sociopath herself. I noticed some of his violence, but it wasn't against me, so i didn't think too much of it. He hid the rest well. It's funny..he dated a girl for 6 years..five of it was during our marriage. Eventually, they bought a 500k house together. She lived with him for ONE MONTH before she couldn't take it anymore and moved out. He can put on a good act until he lives with someone..then it all goes back to acting like himself.
  As far as marrying my father? Maybe. My father was a little like him, but to a much lesser degree. Much less violent. Much more empathy.
  I fel guilty because my children still have to spend time with him every week. They hate him and are afraid of him. I can't prohibit them from seeing him, as much as I have tried.
  

• gingersoul said on Sep 03, 2006....

  Why can't you prohibit them to see him? I know that when they are 12 (at least here in Texas) they can decide if they want go visit the other parent or not. And the law can't argue with their will. Did you look for any possbile legal way to stop them going there?
  
  IF they want go, there is nothing you can do, you are right.....It must be horrible knowing them with him...i would go crazy.... simply crazy....you must be very strong for having survived all of this.....
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 03, 2006....

  I have been to court repeatedly. In May, my son told the counselor at school that he was going to kill his father. ( He has been saying this since he was six) He was sent to a psychiatric facility for two weeks. I went to court to see if they'd FINALLY say he didn't have to go anymore, and the judge said yes, he did..he was sent there the next day for a week. The judicial system here sucks. It sucks to not be able to afford a good attorney.
  I am not strong. It kills me daily.
  

• gingersoul said on Sep 03, 2006....

  I am sorry.
  You are right, the judicial system is a pachiderm too slow to adjust to the need of the citizens.
  
  There is only one thing you can do. Give them double of everything: love, time, attention, support. Let them see with your example, in the way you treat them that there is not only evil in this world, that they can have hope in the future.
  ..,,,you have to be strong for them too....fix the unbalance.....its so much to ask from a mother.....
  
  You mentioned your boyfriend...how is he fitting in the picture? Has he been around long enough to be a male role model for them? Hope they get along at least. Otherwise, it would be another strain for you to bear ....
  
  ~Hug~
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 03, 2006....

  My children love my boyfriend. They deny that the ex is their father and say that my boyfriend is their father. I have not told them to do this. It's just that they get love and positive attention from my boyfriend that they have never received from their father. Luckily, my boyfriend loves them, and is fine with them saying that he's their dad. It's funny, they look like him, so whenever we go anywhere, people say to him, "Your children look so much like you!" I am so happy they love him and he loves them!
  

• gingersoul said on Sep 03, 2006....

  Good, this is really good. Some peace in mind for you and deserved love for your kids. Funny what you said about they looking alike.....sometimes life has strange way to work for us....
  
  I was thinking.....since your weirdo ex is still too close to you and your kids, he must know about your new love lofe....there is any chance he might do something to harm your boyfriend?
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 03, 2006....

  Maybe if he knew the kids call my honey dad. I don't think he'd be that stupid as to hurt honey. Honey is not afraid of him though. They have met, and he's confident he could "take him".
  

• Jenna said on Sep 03, 2006....

  sweet one....hugs, hugs and more hugs. You have been through it girl. I have no wise words....just want you to know I am thinking of you. God Bless!
  

• Jenna said on Sep 03, 2006....

  sweet one....hugs, hugs and more hugs. You have been through it girl. I have no wise words....just want you to know I am thinking of you. God Bless!
  

• gingersoul said on Sep 03, 2006....

  Hey, i like honey. Loving your little, hurted family shows a lot of good qualities in him. Keep him tight. :-)
  
  ~Hug~
  

• secretlife said on Sep 03, 2006....

  I can't believe that a judge would make your kids visit an abusive father.
  
  He's 15 and this is a critical time for boys LTB. I think it would be a very very good thing to help your son find something in the high school to take up his time. I fear he will find trouble if you don't.
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 04, 2006....

  LTB, your ex was reported to the local law enforcement i hope?
  
  ed
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 04, 2006....

  Yes. Unfortunately my ex IS law enforcement, so all he does is flash his badge and they all have a chuckle. Here in NJ child protective services is called DYFS. ( Division of Youth and Family Services). They took the kids away from him for a year in 2001. Unfortunately, he got this "hired gun" shrink to write a report that the reason the kids say that he abuses them is they are suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome. PAS is not even a true disorder and is not recognized by legitimate psychiatrists. Anyway, he attests that I am making them hate him..he is not really abusive... Now, whenever DYFS has been called..and they have been called numerous times, the ex seems to talk his way out of it. He is very charming. He rarely leaves any marks ( most of his abuse is verbal/emotional) and when he does leave a mark his excuse is "the kid fell down the stairs".
  SL- I know. I truly hope he finds a positive niche in HS.
  GS- he is a saint
  jenna- thanks
  

• SoulCasterer said on Sep 04, 2006....

  Can't you just move far, far away from him?
  Drastic actions are needed here.
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 04, 2006....

  Sadly. We have a joint custody situation. We share the kids residentially and we each have them a week at a time. Even if we were far away, unfortunately the kids still have to see him on a weekly basis. :(
  Soulcasterer..are you new? I haven't read form you before, I don't think. If so, welcome! Yes, I agree drastic measures are needed. My son, especially, suffers all the time at the hands of this man. i.e. This weekend he had the kids. Son, who is 15 asked for a 2nd hamburger for dinner. Ex said no. Who denies their kid seconds at dinner? ( Also realize this man makes over 100k..so it's not like he couldn't afford another Hb).
  

• BipolarPoet said on Sep 04, 2006....

  Yes, there are evil people in this world. I have met a few and from what I have seen the parents don't even have to be bad people.
  
  I think that your example and the actions you have taken will impact your kids more than your ex's. If the kids don't seem to take after him that way, then chances are good they will choose to live their lives differently and apart from him when they get that choice.
  
  I can't stress enough how important it is for the mental health of the children for mother's to leave men like this.
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 04, 2006....

  LTB, i'm so sorry. i know re: DYFS.
  
  i wish there was something that could be done to help.
  
  ed
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 04, 2006....

  BPP I agree. I just wish I could limit the time they spend with him because my daughter is mimicking a lot of his behavior..the violence and the flying off the handle. My son internalizes things more, and it affects his mental stability. He suffers from major depression. I have serious concerns about how they will function as adults.
  SW. Me too. I pray that someday I'll win the lottery so I could get a good attorney and get them away from him for good. Until then, we all suffer!
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 04, 2006....

  i realize in retrospect i sounded critical in my previous comments. i'm so sorry for that.
  
  ed
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 04, 2006....

  I didn't take you as being critical. It's ok, Ed!
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 04, 2006....

  you're so sweet, LTB. thanks! :>
  
  ed
  

• BipolarPoet said on Sep 04, 2006....

  Sometimes girls are overlooked in these situations. I don't know your financial/work situation, but make sure they get the help/therapy they most surely need. A therapist or psychologist could be very helpful in letting a judge know what is really going on.
  
  Have both of the kids, perhaps, write a letter to the judge in your case and mail it to him/her. You can also write the judge. Explain their concerns and yours. Also, talk to the police. You may be able to still file a restraining order against him. Anything at this point that is legally documenting will also serve its purpose in court. Most of all, be strong.
  
  Children will react in accord. Be the example.
  

• gingersoul said on Sep 05, 2006....

  Bipolar, those are really good advices.
  
  LTB, maybe the kids could tape him while they are with him. I dont know, using a voice recorder seems less noticeable than a vidoecamera. Anything could help.....there must be something a judge can't avoid to see....
  
  Wish somebody could help you, LTB. Hug.
  

• Lovethebeach said on Sep 05, 2006....

  Bpp and gingersoul..those are good bits of advice. can't write more now..I am off to the first day of school...AGH! I'll blog about it later, because it's sure to be interesting!
  

• SoulCasterer said on Sep 13, 2006....

  Lovethebeach,
  Yes. I'm new. No worries. There isn't really anything worth reading on my blog. Hehehe. Been around for mostly reading and commenting. Thanks.
  

• peggywhoever said on Feb 27, 2008....

  lovethebeach:
   
  I am 5 months out of a 3-year relationship with a sociopath (we did not marry, thank goodness).
   
  Sociopaths are extremely charming, convincing, and manipulative. They lie with ease (even pass lie detector tests because they have no guilt or remorse, hence no "anxiety".
   
  Their brains are actually wired differently than other "normal" people. You are right, they have no feelings whatsoever. They do not feel "love". An expression of love is feigned (faked) and when they are done with you, you are a disposable diaper to be discarded. Also, sociopaths seldom dream, and most generally they abandon their children (unless they want to have power and control over you, which is another symptom of a sociopath).
   
  A socipath's game is always to "win". They want to win money, sex, or status (the show). They will go to any unethical means necessary to win, including, but not limited to, theft, fraud, and other illegal means...sometimes even murder. Read some of Ann Rule books on socipaths...none of them have happy endings.
   
  I have found immense help by reading at www.lovefraud.com, which is a site about Sociopaths.
   
  My sociopath has emotionally, verbally, physically, and/or financially abused every person in his life except one friend and his daughter. There is a trail of personal devastation behind him.
   
  There is an immense sense of betrayal with these people, because they violate our basic beliefs about the goodness of humanity, honesty and integrity. Sociopaths are truly evil. It is estimated that 1% of the population are Sociopaths, so there are millions of them out there. What a thought.
   
  Blessings to you for happy healing. peggywhoever@yahoo.com

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