• moonriver said on Apr 24, 2009....

  kyle, i believe i wrote something on your blackthorn blog ages ago, that went roughly like this:
  i think i know exactly how you feel.
  or rather, i know exactly how sophie feels when her supposed closest friends turn against her, tag her behavior with labels, abandon her.
  but one should always recognize the diamond half-sinking in the muddy gutter.
  
  this is the very reason why, despite the extreme storms that damaged our marriage, through all these years, i remained (had to remain, like it's my life mission) her best friend in the truest sense of the word.
  
  i'm sure (i sure hope!!!) your real best friend/s will see the diamond in the gutter, give immense value to the precious bonds with you, and remain by your side at the lowest points in your life.
  
  

• Twylarants said on Apr 24, 2009....

  I'm so sorry, Kyle...I really am.   Anyone can tell that you are a valuable friend and a true friend and a good, good person.  I suffer from depression and anxiety, so if you're insane so am I.  When I shut down I abandon everyone...but I have to do it, and I can't apologize for it.

• paper~InEurope said on Apr 24, 2009....

  
  
  I have to come back again, Kyle...it is 2 am here.  I just wanted to say, I read your words, and I am sorry your friend hurt you.
  
  I never ever thought you were insane but a person very in tune with his feelings.  I am glad you shared your thoughts here once here again you did not only tried to sort out your feelings but once again you lent "normality" to what most goes through but never really are able to articulate.
  
  I hope to come back later in the day.
  
  Your friend, always
  
  Joanna
  
  
  
  
  

• wombat said on Apr 24, 2009....

  I'm sad to read that you're feeling this way, but I understand how it hurts to have someone you trusted to let you down when you need them the most.  I read on and see that, even though this isn't the first time this friend has let you down, you do have others you can count on and I hope you will lean on them now.  I didn't have to read it to know that you are the kind of person who would have dropped everything for someone else.  Just the little I've read from you here makes that obvious.

  It doesn't change that this one friend didn't come to bat for you, and I get that even one (a special one to you) can send you into a tailspin of depression.  Maybe they are having some issues of their own at this time?  Or maybe not.  Maybe their issue is they just aren't as capapble of being a good friend at all times as they wanted to be.

  I had a lot of things I could say here, but it started going off into my own experience with depression, and I'm not the subject here. 

  Yes, you have plenty of compelling reasons not to ever give up--on your loved ones, your true friends, or anything else.  Of course, it's never easy when you are prone to those periods of shut-down and "back again."  Believe me, I know!  But I will be thinking of you and hope you know you are not alone with this.  And maybe one of these days you will get the right opportunity to discuss this all with that person, when you feel like letting them know how they made you feel.

  In the meantime--I want to leave my most favorite saying that I came across recently, even though I've said it a couple of times around here already.

  "Don't give up five minutes before the miracle."

  Sorry this is so long, but I do care, even long distance from a fellow SC'r, and because I understood this so well from my end.

  {{{{{{silly wombie hugs, but sincere ones}}}}}}

• Lucytorial said on Apr 24, 2009....

  I'm not really sure what to say, although I do give a fuck, I still don't know you but I give a fuck or I wouldn't be here commenting.

  Sometimes we learn that our truest friends are those who are there and we haven't even realised it ourselves....

• crybabylu said on Apr 24, 2009....

  I'm glad you wrote this and let us know how you are feeling.  I have missed you!

  Love, Dee

• Mr_Box said on Apr 24, 2009....

  Well you know how I feel about this person and this situation. And I know it sucks to think that someone you thought of as your best friend could just blow you off like this, when you needed them the most. 
  
  
  But a REAL friend wouldn't do that. If this was an isolated incident I might say you should talk to them and find out what's what. But you and I both know this isn't isolated. And whatever help they've been to you in the past, that's over now. 
  
  
  However, you still have friends and family and a wife who loves you. This still hurts, but you aren't alone. And don't you dare just shut everyone else out cuz of this one stupid person. 
  
  
  Once someone ends up continually making you feel worse about yourself, over and over, they cease to be a real friend. It's time to just cut your losses and focus on those people who do not think you're insane or crazy or alien. 
  
  
  I'm sorry this happened though. I know how much it sucks to lose a friend. Hell, this person was supposedly my friend too and now they're not talking to me either just cuz I'm your brother. So to that I say, 'fuck you so called friend' There are more important people to focus on now, and you know who they are. 

• botoni said on Apr 24, 2009....

  Kyle.....What this 'friend' did sucks big time!  You've been a wonderful blogger here and in the land of blog friends I consider you among the top honest and honorable.  I'm truly sorry you've been hurt and I hope that you'll find comfort both from your friends here and from those who you know love you for who you are in real life.

• the_infernal_optimist said on Apr 24, 2009....

  You are an amazing person and an awesome friend, Kyle, and you don't deserve to be treated like this person treated you. I wouldn't turn away my worst enemy if they came to me and said "I'm hurting; please listen."
  
  To turn someone away -- especially someone they supposedly cared so much for as to call you their "best friend!" -- in an hour of great need, is vile. And to hammer into someone's head and heart that they are insane and worthless and too much effort, is wrong and despicable and monstrous. That person who did that to you is a monster. And I bet if they really looked into a mirror and saw the truth, they would be seeing a hollow, twisted black heart.
  
  I hate that your trust across the board has been damaged because of one person's loathsome acts...that is no friend and nobody you need in your life...and I hate that you're hurting. I'm sorry it's like this. And yes, what Jaxl said. You do still have people who care and who will never do what this person did...not ever.
  
  ~Infernal
  

• beyondtheveil said on Apr 25, 2009....

  ET- If that one person had the power to influence that greatly how you thought about yourself and others and made you feel worthless, he/she is a toxic friend if they used the power against you. If you kept trying to fix it, it sounds as if they've been toxic for some time now.
  
  Its difficult to lose a close friend, but I think distance is in order now. Time for repair. Time to place your trust with others and look at this for what you have learned, we all learn something from things like this.
  
  If they wish to come back to you and be a friend, I'd go slowly, find within yourself if it is worth it. After you heal, it would be they who need you, not you needing them.
  

• princessbitch65 said on Apr 25, 2009....

  Hey ET, I am sorry that your "friend" is treating you badly. I have gone through the same thing too. Funny I stopped blogging for the same reason you did. It is hard fighting to survive but remember you are not alone.

• evil_twin said on Apr 25, 2009....

  moon--I think that for people like me (and Sophie) it's so important that someone still sees who we really are, despite the struggles we face. Not everyone can look past that to see that diamond in the gutter. All they can see is this basket case who doesn't make sense, and they don't understand that we don't have control over it. I thought I had found a friend who did see that diamond, but I was wrong...I'm just glad there are others who are more patient and are willing to stick by me.
  
  twyla--Thank you. I know you've struggled with a lot of the same things I do. Retreating into myself has just become a natural reaction when I'm too messed up to even try and talk to people. I don't think we're insane though. I just think some people are insensitive and don't understand...
  
  paper--I know you can relate to how I feel. And I also saw that you were thinking of leaving here too. Don't do that. I think we all need breaks from writing and talking though, but sometimes it really does help to be able to get those thoughts out. It's been a long time since I've been able to do it though.
  
  wombat--Thank you for understanding. I know that you've gone through periods of hiding away too, so I know you can relate. It's very upsetting when someone you thought you could count on, just totally lets you down like that. I have tried to talk to them many times in the past when they've done stuff like this before, and it never gets me anywhere. They just make it sound like I'm to blame for everything, and I hear that enough and start believing it. So I don't even want to talk to them anymore. I tried and tried, but after awhile, it's time to give up and just turn to people that you really know won't let you down. They used to be one of those people, but it changed now, and I have to accept that, even if I don't understand it, and just move on.
  
  lucy--Hey, it means a lot that you give a fuck even if you don't know what to say. I just appreciate that you stopped in and let me know that people do care, even if someone else that should care, doesn't.
  
  cry--Thanks for reading. I hope you're doing well yourself.
  
  Jack--I know that you understand this, and I also know that this friend totally wrote you off too just because you were my brother. Which should tell me exactly what they're really like. I know you had reservations about them all along, and I really should have listened to you. Since a true friend isn't someone who keeps tearing you down and making you feel like shit, so that other friends have to boost you back up again, just to fix the damage they caused. And that's exactly what kept happening over and over again. And that's just not right. You shouldn't need other friends to fix the damage of someone else who's supposed to be a friend. I see that now, and I won't be putting myself in that position anymore. I do know who my real friends are now.
  
  botoni--It's good to see you again! Thank you for what you said about me. I really do try to be a good friend and a good person, but sometimes I feel like I fall short of that mark when people like this keep bringing me down and messing with my head. But I am appreciative that I do have other people around who see the real me and like that person.
  
  Infernal--I know that you would never turn me away when I needed someone. In fact, i have to thank you for being the one who came running when this other person kicked me out in the cold. You've always been there for me and have never let me down. I know it's not always easy for you to find the time you want to be there, and yet you always manage to do it. That's what a real friend does. When I talk to you, I feel better about myself, and words can't really express how much good that does me, even if sometimes it seems like you aren't getting through. But I do hear it, and your patience with me is never ending. I'm lucky to have you as my friend too.
  
  beyond--You're right that this person is toxic to me. Sometimes I feel like they would tear me down even further, just so they could look like a hero trying to eventually build me  back up again. But that's not friendship. I'm not sure what that is actually. But I've given them so many chances, and we've backed away from each other a few times, and then patched it up, only to have this happen again. So I think I'm at the end of my rope here. It's time to move on and focus my attention on someone else who knows what being a friend is actually about.
  
  princess--It sucks when people you trust turn on you, doesn't it? I think a lot of people stop blogging because they just don't feel like talking anymore. But the great thing about Soulcast is that you can always come back when you want to. You aren't alone either.
  

• RollingC said on Apr 25, 2009....

  It's hard to think about it when that happens but just remember this...for every jerk that gives up on you there's 2 or 3 people that won't.  You just have to be patient and wait to get to meet them.
  Rc
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Apr 25, 2009....

  It stings when the people you thought you could confide in and trust break that trust.  Leaves you questioning yourself, them, the world.  I'm sorry your friend wasn't able to be there for you.  As trite as it may sound, I think that when one friend falls by the roadside, another steps up to take their place.  It might happen immediately, and you may have to make a leap of faith for it to happen.

  If I can help, please PM me.

• Zayda said on Apr 25, 2009....

  Kyle: I'm sorry that you have been hurt by someone you considered such a close friend. And I'm sorry that you now don't seem to have that one person (aside from Nat) that you feel like you can really share your true self with.
  
  
  But most of all, I'm really sorry that this whole incident makes you feel like that you can't be yourself with other people and that other people won't want to listen to you.  I think that having your trust broken is one of the worst things because more than making you question whether you can trust anyone else, I think it makes is question whether we can trust ourselves--can we trust our perceptions of people, can we trust ourselves to open up again.  And I think that damage to the faith that we have in ourselves when something like this happens can be just shattering on so many levels. 
  
  As hard as it is, I hope you find a way to trust and to open yourself up again.
  
  
  You know, I may just be a name on a screen who lives halfway across the country from you, but I have to tell you that I always "listen" to your posts, whether they be about your depression or about how nervous and excited you are about becoming a new dad, or whether they were about your cats or the ghost(s) in your house. I may not always respond, but I do read your posts.
  
  
  To be honest, sometimes I don't respond because I don't quite know what to say. Or I can't figure out the right words. But I should probably stop trying to find the right words and just respond. And sometimes I don't respond because everyone else has said everything that I would have said that I think could possibly be useful for you in some way. (Just as everyone here has already said most everything that I would have said/wanted to say.)
  
  
  I think you should know that I miss your contributions to Soulcast. I miss your posts about marriage and Natalie. I miss the posts about your cat and the random posts about the crazy people you run into. Man, some of those crazy people that you run into posts had me crying with laughter. Every once in awhile, I still think about the post about the guy at Starbucks who would flirt with you when you would go get coffee and it still makes me giggle. And I still wonder if you have had any more encounters with your ghosts.
  
  
  So, I think you should get back to using this place for what you were using it for, to just write about whatever was on your mind--the spectacular, the good, the bad, the mediocre, the darkness. I think you should get back to that because there are people here who can empathize and sympathize with all your facets.

• evil_twin said on Apr 25, 2009....

  Rc--Thank you. I know you're right that there are better people out there than this person. I just need to let it go and concentrate on people who are much better for me than they ever were.
  
  uniquely--I really think you are right that even when one friend proves themselves untrustworthy, there will always be someone new to come along that's not like that. But it is hard to trust people again, because if someone tells you that they believe in you and are on your side, and then they turn on you, how can you believe anyone else? But thank you. I know there are still good people out there...(PS: I hope you're having fun down under with Lucy!)
  
  Zayda--Thank you so much for responding. It is really hard to put your trust in someone and have them break that trust. Because it does make me wonder if everyone else is just waiting to do the same thing, even if my logic tells me it's probably not true. I get paranoid and it hurts. But I really appreciate knowing that you're always out there reading, even if you don't get a chance to respond every time. I've missed writing here more regularly, and I want to get past my lockdown phase and start doing it again. I always felt better when I did write more. I have so much I could share right now, and I have no idea why I haven't been doing it. But I think I'm going to try and change all that. Just writing this post has helped me a lot and made me want to write again.
  

• queenparanoia said on Apr 26, 2009....

  i can't believe that you call that erson youre best friend...

  a real friend wouldnt schedule you for monday if you have a problem...

  kyle you did the right thing when you drop that person out of your life. it's not worth it if that person keep treating your shit. and besides who told them that youre problem is less than what that person have... mental problems or not...

  it's all the same... theyre problems!!!

  i have a friend like that too... i remember i always shared my psychological problems like you wtih her. this was like three years ago. and then one time she told me she was fed up of hearing my problems and that i should be thankful because we were rich and some people are poor...

  i was like... what the fuck???????????????????????????????

  first of all were not rich. she just assumed that i'm rich because i didnt complain of money like most people do... because money is just money!!!!

  and what's wrong if i'm sharing my problems with her? she's my friend? i mean i also listened to her when sh has problems...

  and what if i have mental problems?/? does that mean that theyre less important than other people???

  after that i never shared anything to her. she asked me that one day why i never talk to her like before... i just shut up and let her figure it out...

  a real friend would not do what your bestfriend did or what my friend did...

  because a real friend is always there for you whatever the problem is...

  so kyle i know what you feel... and its hard opening up to other people about this... but try opening up a little at a time... becuase it's worth it if you find a real friend through this...

  by the way did natalie gave birth yet?

• evil_twin said on Apr 26, 2009....

  queen--I can't believe I called this person my best friend either. But they didn't always used to be like that. And I think that's the hardest part when someone used to be good to you, and then they just changed because it seemed like they totally gave up on you. This same person actually said something similar to me that yours said to you. That I had more than a lot of people did, so I really had no room to be unhappy at all. And that hurt, because its not about what you have, it's about how you feel. But they sure do have a way of making you feel selfish don't they? I'm sorry you understand this situation so well. And btw, no Natalie didn't have the baby yet. Not until June :-) 

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