My husband ditched me at the casino today.
The day started out being a potentially fun day. It was my mom’s birthday and we had planned all week to take her and my dad to a flea market and then on to the casino. I looked forward to it all week. Flea markets are some of very favorite places to go to spend a nice relaxing day.
I gave my husband the option of backing out before we left . I told him he didn’t have to feel obligated to go if he didn’t want to. He said he wanted to go. I said that would be great.
The day went pretty well. We strolled through the flea market. I looked for angels to add to my collection but didn’t find anything I really wanted. I bought two small dried floral arrangements. My husband seemed content following along.
He acted differently when we got to the casino. After a much needed restroom break, I was waiting for him to come out of the men’s bathroom. I waited and waited. I finally found my dad and asked if he had seen him in the bathroom. He said he had and that my husband was going outside to watch the set up for a demolition derby on some adjoining property.
So, I decided to do my own thing and found an open penny slot machine. I played on the casino’s money for a while. My husband finally showed up and wanted to know if I was having a good time. I asked him to join me. He said he would rather go back outside and watch the demolition cars get signed in. I told him to do whatever flipped his trigger.
My parents and I played slot machines for a while longer. Eventually they were ready to cash in their winnings and go eat at the buffet there. I went outside to find my husband. I walked over to where the demolition derby was going to be held. I looked through the crowd trying to find him.
Then I heard my name. I turned to see him getting out of my parents’ vehicle. He had been in there napping! I asked why he wasn’t watching the demolition derby set up like he said he was going to be. He said he had been, but sat in the vehicle because it had started sprinkling and “accidentally” fell asleep.
I was upset.
I let it slide through dinner. I wasn’t going to ruin my mom’s birthday.
Fast forward to the drive home from my parents.
I asked why he ditched me. He said he didn’t. I said it felt like he did. He said he just wanted to do other things. I asked why. He said the smoke in the casino was getting to him. (He had only been in there long enough to go to the bathroom.) I asked why he came if he didn’t want to share the experience. He said he did want to come. I asked why he acted liked he enjoyed it when we were there before if he didn’t. He said he just wanted me to have a good time . I said I wanted him to have a good time too, but just wanted him to be honest if he didn’t want to go there again.
I asked why he didn’t spend time with me when had the chance.
Silence.
I didn’t cry. I just kept driving. “Separate Ways” by Journey came on the radio. The beginning lyrics stung. “Here we stand. Two hearts broken in two.”
He tried to change the subject. I let him. .
There’s no use arguing about it anymore. Actions speak louder than words.
CreativeWoman posted on Sep 03, 2006
| views: 239
Comments
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Jenna said on Sep 03, 2006....
Just a question...and please know...lovingly so, How long are you going to let him do this to you?
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 03, 2006....
Jenna,
I honestly don't know.
CW
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 03, 2006....
One of my greatest fears is of being alone.
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Jenna said on Sep 03, 2006....
Mine too! But I am deaing with it. We will talk sweet one, we will talk!!!
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 03, 2006....
I keep searching for fault within myself. It's a bad habit I have. I thought we were having a good day. Then this happened.
CW
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silverwhisper said on Sep 03, 2006....
CW, no offense, but you already are alone, it seems.
ed
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Mamie said on Sep 03, 2006....
hey CW, what if the greatest gift you can offer your husband is to let him go? What if he cannot go be his highest and best unless you allow him the freedom (and tho a hard lesson) and the situation where he is solo and needs to "become" the greatest he can be?
SW is so right, honey, you are alone in a way now that you will not be if you move on. At least you would have yourself back. Listen to Jenna too, she is a remarkable woman and her transformation only began when she "jumped"...good luck and I am behind you no matter what!!
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secretlife said on Sep 03, 2006....
What's really sad is I think he really does care for you CW.
In his own way, and maybe the best he can, I think he cares.
If he didn't want to be with you, he'd have opted to stay at home.
I hate gambling, but I do go a few times a year with my husband because I know he likes it. Sometimes I wander off and stand out on the boardwalk while he plays cards because the smoke and noise inside is just not my cup of tea.
I believe your husband when he said he wanted to go so that you could have a good time.
I think he cares but cannot communicate effectively with you.
Very sad.
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Zayda said on Sep 03, 2006....
I clicked on this post just as the video to Faith Hill's song Stealing Kisses came on CMT...
I was stealing kisses from a boy
Now I'm begging for affection from a man
Don't you know who I am
Don't you know who I am
CW--I think Silver is right; you are already alone. You are together in the same house, same space, but you are alone already.
My fear for you, given that you are seeking someone--other men--to nurish you and to offer you affection outside your marriage is that you will not leave your husband until you have another man who can offer you what your husband can't.
Honestly, I think you would be better off being alone with yourself and learning just how strong you are and that being alone, with yourself, is not nearly as bad as being alone in your marriage.
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 03, 2006....
I think that Secret has hit the nail on the head whe she said that my husband probably cares for me but doesn't know how to communicate it. I feel so guilty because I need more than he seems to be capable of giving.
Silver is also right about me already being alone. Deep down I know that.
I lived alone from my early twenties until I was married at age 32. I hated it.
Zayda, you've also hit a nail on the head. I just want someone to love me who will share his life with me and make me a priority. I am willing to give a man his space if he will just bring me back into it once in a while. Is it wrong to want that? I don't know if that situation will happen, but I'm not ruling it out.
Lately, I've been making a checklist in my head of the must-have's around the house that I want to take with me when I decide to go.
Mamie, I have thought about if me leaving would be good for my husband. I wonder if he wouldn't find someone that his family would accept better. Maybe someone who would enjoy working on farm stuff all the time would be great for him. Then again, I wonder if he would just hate me forever and never love again.
Sooner of later I'm going to have to choose to make myself happy. I know that there will be a hurdle of pain in the process. That is what I seem to be avoiding.
Thank you all for supporting me.
CW
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Jenna said on Sep 03, 2006....
You are right CW...about the hurdle of pain....it gets a lot worse before it gets better. I too wanted someone to share life with....still do...but being on my own, by myself ,was the best gift. I never knew I was such a strong person. Learned many things about myself and I think I am a better person for it. It sounds like you are taking those baby steps everyone keeps talking about....Good luck dear one and know we are here for you!
(Just a side note....tried calling back. No answer. I will be home the rest of the evening and all day tomorrow.)
(It was my mom's birthday this week too):)
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Zayda said on Sep 03, 2006....
CW--I hate to say this but until you can be happy with yourself, you will never really be happy with a man even if he gives you all the things your husband doesn't. You have to find happiness with yourself above all before you can sustain a good relationship. I have been learning this the hard way.
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Jenna said on Sep 03, 2006....
Zayda....you ok?
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Zayda said on Sep 03, 2006....
Jenna--yes, hun, I am fine. :) It just took me too long to figure out that a man can't make me happy if I am not happy with myself first. My husband is a good man, but I have not been completely happy with myself for awhile now, so I am working on that. Being unhappy with yourself makes for a strain on the relationship, but as I have become happier with me, our relationship is that much stronger.
I'm not saying it will work in CWs case; I think that her husband may be a lost cause. What I am saying though is that running from her husband's house to the arms of another man before she is happy with herself will just make for more misery.
Too often as women we look for someone to make us happy when really what we need first is to be happy and strong within ourselves. Then when we have found that strength and happiness within ourselves find a partner to compliment that strength and happiness. We need in other words to stop looking for someone outside ourselves to makes us complete or whole; we need to make ourselves whole and then find a partner who is equally whole him or herself.
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Jenna said on Sep 03, 2006....
Z...glad you are ok. I agree totally with everything you said. As I said earlier.. getting to know me, living with just me was truly a gift!
Cw....do you love yourself??
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JadeLondon said on Sep 03, 2006....
Have you told him as you are telling us, how you feel?
If you haven't perhaps you should try putting it in writing. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to talk about such things with a spouse.
Perhaps he will be defensive or think that there is no problem. Maybe he isn't aware.
My hubby hates the whole family socialization thing--even his own.
He often will be really grumpy, even towards his own parents (his more so than mine).
How is his relationship with your parents? Maybe he feels he doesn't measure up in their eyes, so it creates awkwardness.
I am not trying to defend him, by any means. I am just trying to present a different perspective.
I think that you want him to be your everything, which I totally respect. He IS your husband--that is completely natural.
I hope you find whatever it is that you are searching. Even more, I hope you find some happiness with yourself. I think you deserve it, along with some peace of mind.
Good luck to you, CW.
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sigroid75 said on Sep 03, 2006....
i think im missing something from the story and
from the post...i think it was okay that he tried
his best to be there when he could do other things.
or maybe it's our culture? hmmm...
here in the philippines, his effort would be appreciated.
or i'm missing a big chunk of your marriage story, no?
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 03, 2006....
I used to be happy with myself. But, I feel this relationship and the circumstances that surround it are draining the life right out of me.
It seems like every day I am trying to explain to my husband why I feel the way I feel. I really do try. I promise. He acts like he is listening, but I don't think he hears what I am trying to convey.
This is probably one of the most selfish things I've ever dared to say, but I don't want to live on my own at all. I really don't. I have spent my entire life trying to please and care for other people. So much so, that most of my wants and needs have been sacrificed. If there is a man out there who would love me for who I am and not for what I can do for him, I want to be with him. If I find him before I leave my marriage, then great. If not, I'll have to wait. I'm not going to run away with just anybody.
I'm going to be sure that my writing business is stable before I do anything drastic. I am strong. I am smart. The softer emotional side of me wants to be taken care of for once in my life. I'm not talking financially. I'm a big girl. I can do that. I am more confident in my 40's than I was in my 30's.
You don't know how strong I've had to be for people I love in the past two years because of tragedy within my family. I am drained.
My parents think that my husband walks on water. There is no awkwardness there. I get the sense that my in-laws think I'm snooty because I don't do everything in an old fashioned way. For example, my mother-in-law had to have carpel tunnel surgery from all the processing of fruits and vegetables she had done over the years. She thinks I'm lazy because I have other interests that fill my time. I simply don't fit in with that lifestyle. I will do some of it, but not all day every day.
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 04, 2006....
It's all so complicated.
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CreativeWoman said on Sep 04, 2006....
sigroid,
There is a lot more to the story.
I take issue with the fact that he went out to the vehicle to sleep when he told me he was going to do something else. I don't mind if he does other things. I respect that he has different likes than I do. However, this wasn't the first time we had gone to the casino. Never before had he given me any indication that he didn't like the experience. I do lots of things with and for him that I don't like to do. I do them purely to be a good wife.
He said he wanted to go with me. Was I out of line for assuming he wanted to spend time with me?
CW
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