The unshed tears burned my eyes this afternoon as I stood at the back office staring at the trucks pulling in and out of the newly completed truck stop. I felt so stupid, grieving for somebody I never even had. I felt and welcomed the pain that letting go generated. I sniffled as I thought, “Just my luck that JD is a truck driver!” I work off a busy road and see a gazillion trucks of all shapes and sizes every day.
How can I be so unlucky in relationships? I didn’t even get to fall in love or anything like that. And why, oh why, am I feeling such emptiness after accepting that I simply cannot continue getting myself in dead end relationships with my eyes wide open? I should have been feeling relieved that I made the right decision by not getting involved, but the emptiness persisted.
As I let the emptiness engulf me, I realized what was happening. I had issued a challenge to the universe that not any man would do. I then asked for a man who is not afraid of PDA, who will be emotionally availabe, and the universe sent me “any man” with the qualities I naively asked for. The universe asked me, “Will you settle, cntlvmenuf?” When I should have given a resounding NO! I resorted to my old ways of arguing the case for “any man” instead of for myself. But the universe would not let me forget that I promised to be better, I promised to break the cycle of emotional abuse. Had I continued in my old ways, it would only have been a matter of time before I became another statistic of domestic abuse…..before I became my mother. And the sad fact is I would have sincerely believed and accepted, like my mother, it is my fault for the violence…I would be walking on eggshells claiming that I need the man for security reasons, independent as I am!
It may seem as no big deal to not get into a potentially abusive relationship, but for me it’s a huge accomplishment. Looking back at all the men I’ve dated, I don’t think there is any one man that I dated because I thought we could have a future together, make a life together. I dated them because they persisted and I thought they must really care a lot for me to fight for me like so. Others I dated because I was tired of being alone, and not because there were a potential good match for me just because they did a few good things right.
As I say fare thee well JD, and the unshod tears retreat from whence they came from, never to be shed, or to be shed another day, I stop fighting the pain and the emptiness. I get what it means to “suffer it be so now.” The universe is seasoning me to be my own woman. From now on, every time I see a truck, which is a gazillion times every day, it will serve as a reminder of my pact with the universe….not any man would do.
