So as always I've been thinking. Thinking about why I am so different in thinking compared to almost everyone else I have talked to over the last year or so. Been trying very hard to overcome my deep rooted depression. I have made little progress, but I am thankful for the little bit I've made. I started researching various mental conditions. I'm definitely not psychotic because I am aware of the difference between what is reality and what is a fantasy. The closest thing I can find in my research has been neurosis. As I read what it truly is, I seemed to nod my head in agreement. I read in wiki the following:
As an illness, neurosis represents a variety of mental disorders in which emotional distress or unconscious
conflict is expressed through various physical, physiological, and
mental disturbances, which may include physical symptoms (e.g., hysteria). The definitive symptom is anxieties. Neurotic tendencies are common and may manifest themselves as depression, acute or chronic anxiety, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, phobias, and even personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
It has perhaps been most simply defined as a "poor ability to adapt to
one's environment, an inability to change one's life patterns, and the
inability to develop a richer, more complex, more satisfying
personality."
Then the effects and symptoms:
...anxiety, sadness or depression,
anger, irritability, mental confusion, low sense of self-worth, etc.,
behavioral symptoms such as phobic avoidance, vigilance, impulsive and
compulsive acts, lethargy, etc., cognitive problems such as unpleasant
or disturbing thoughts, repetition of thoughts and obsession, habitual fantasizing, negativity and cynicism, etc. Interpersonally, neurosis involves dependency, aggressiveness, perfectionism, schizoid isolation, socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors, etc.
All this is SO me.
So now I'm just wondering what the solution to this issue would be. I must say that I am relieved because I seem to have stumbled onto an answer to a question that has baffled me for the last year or so. The question being why am I so damn sad all the time and how come I haven't seemed to get over my past losses? I've been trying to rewire myself into thinking more positively and listening to all the wonderful advice I've got from my friends here at SC. It just seemed like nothing was working for me. Now I can see why it didn't. I just have an issue and now just need to figure out what steps need to be taken to fix this issue. I have to say I've never been more happy to have something wrong with me. Things just make more sense to me now. My problem as always been my memory. Memories seem to sabotage me at the worst times. Just when I think that I've moved on from my past it seems to haunt me. That is what usually makes me sad and depressed. I never understood why it made me so sad because they are such special and wonderful memories. I guess its because I can't ever reproduce them with that person again. I keep telling myself that I'll met someone and I'm make more even better memories, but my evil voice kicks in and says "with who?". Seems like I'm my own worst enemy. I just have to figure out how to ignore that negative voice, but easier said than done. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction for me. I guess we'll have to wait and see...
SlickNick posted on Apr 15, 2009
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Comments
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uniquely-ironic said on Apr 15, 2009....
Very well thought through and explained Slick! I would imagine that therapy (or just bending a good friend's ear) would relieve a lot of the neurosis that you're suffering from. Time is also a wonderful healer.Glad to see you this morning! -
SlickNick said on Apr 15, 2009....
Thanks for the feedback Uni. And happy to see you too! -
mongol said on Apr 15, 2009....
You don't know true depression untill you read my blog!
We are all with you!
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Hegemone said on Apr 15, 2009....
Well I think you've found some good information, but first, I do want to suggest that you maybe speak with your doctor about this, as a possibility. Whether you do that or not, maybe some therapy, counseling sort of stuff could be in order for you to help you get away from those negative feelings and that evil little voice. I think the tone of this post is quite different than a lot of the last ones, you seem hopeful and positive that you can get around this now. I think you'll be able to, now that you realize its probably something more than you could control by "thinking good thoughts", so to speak. I wish you the best of luck in finding your way through this situation! (((HUG))) -
Lucytorial said on Apr 15, 2009....
I'm with Hege, see your doctor as he/she will have all of the relevent info on what you can do.So your neurotic huh? kind makes me giggle... Nickerosous like my new word? nicerotic? better.... much better.... te he he -
SlickNick said on Apr 15, 2009....
Haha! I got a kick outta your made up words Lucy. Yeah Lucy it seems that way. I don't really have a doctor though because I don't have health insurance at the moment. I'm more of a DIY person anyways. I'll probably get some more info online about treatment and if I absolutely have to have counseling I'll get it but only as a last resort. I'd like to think I'm intelligent and motivated enough to get through this on my own. Maybe I can't but I'd sure like to give it a shot. After all nobody knows me like I do. And Hege thanks for your encouragement. (((HUGS))) right back at cha! Mongol I'm gonna read your blog. Thanks for posting. -
superbozo said on Apr 15, 2009....
Not sure that I have any advice for you that has not already been said. I can only wish you good luck and happy times. -
cntlvmenuf said on Apr 15, 2009....
That is the thing about being a DIY person.....sometimes you really can't go it all alone. And there is the other thing, you do know yourself, but sometimes our self knowledge tends to be pretty biased, so it does help to see ourselves in the eyes of other people.
One thing that I found out about therapy (I only had 7 sessions until I saw the bill...even with insurance!) whereas its not going to be a magic wand, or even fix you, you will have some "aha" moments when the therapist would point out why you think the way you do, react the way you do. And I was sitting there going like, "Wow! That sure does explain a lot!" It lessens the weight of the "burden" and it also helped me not to be too hard on myself.
All the best to you! Look on the net, read some books, see if there are some groups in your area you can join to help you. The good thing is that once you know what ails you, its an upward battle from there on.
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MsStar39 said on Apr 15, 2009....
Nick I think that you are already on the right track because you know what your problem is, get some counseling and stay connected to your friends here at SC.
who love and care about your wellbeing.
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scipio said on Apr 16, 2009....
Think positve. -
scipio said on Apr 16, 2009....
Think positve. -
Voltaire said on Apr 16, 2009....
Hello Nick, nice to meet you.
I have found the way you think when your down is not much to it.
It's more like you can't see the forest because of the trees.
I to feel into a mud hole when a loved one went to another guy.
I did literally only see sadness since I was so fixated on it.
If you need therapy one of the best I have yet to encounter is music and reflection, at least for a broken heart. This might or might not apply to you.
I would say when your depressed you don't live, you exist.
The point being stop existing, start living.
The problems are tied to your waist, now is the time to cut the rope!
Running away from your problems won't lead anywhere, the rope is none the less still attached.
First when you realize that you can accomplish most of what you want, first then you start to live. A tip is to start prospecting or some other calm hobby which gives you time to reflect and think. Two great "weapons" of the mind.
Best Wishes,
Voltaire
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SlickNick said on Apr 16, 2009....
superbozo - Thank you
cntlvmenuf - I agree with you about the knowing yourself but being bias thing. That made a lot of sense. I think as soon as I can get a better job and get my finances in order I will look into therapy. I just honestly can't do it at the moment. I think I am finally realizing that it is an uphill battle now and that is why I'm feeling a lot less hopeless. Thanks for posting.
MsStar39 - Aww that put a huge smile on my face. I love you too. Big (((HUGS))) to you. =)
scipio - Thanks I am starting to think a lot more positively. But I'm trying to go for the long term. Working on being less of a pessimist.
Voltaire - It's nice to meet you. Thanks so much for posting. I got a kick out of the Life of Brian clip. I love Monty Python. Its funny that you mentioned music. Music was the first thing I ran to. I am a huge music fan and I play a few instruments. The only problem I found with that is there are certain memories associated with some songs I like. It got to the point where I had to skip some songs because the memories were too much to bare at the time. I don't think that I ever stop reflecting and thinking. I have always been like that. I cherish my memories and look forward to making new memories. I think before I go and meet the woman of my dreams I need to sort out a lot of things though. Right now I'm kind of a mess. I am prioritizing and making a list of things I need to work on. I think maybe that will put things into perspective. The problem with me is just getting the motivation and energy to do what I intend to do.
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cntlvmenuf said on Apr 16, 2009....
Ya know what...you are getting some free therapy at SC!!! I've just been amazed at how different things look on a post than they did in my head. I think depression intensifies for holding things inside where issues tend to be more amplified than they actually are. Keep on blogging, nurture that openness in you and the desire to change, heck, risk being hurt. Somedays it'll hurt like hell....but soon you'll start realizing that it doesn't hurt as much... I know its easier said than done, but treat yourself kindly :-) -
SlickNick said on Apr 16, 2009....
Thanks I'm trying to treat myself better. ;) -
Voltaire said on Apr 16, 2009....
Nick,
If some old song is hurting you, find a new one.
I had to do it that way, of course you might find another way.
As for meeting the woman of my dreams, I'm ready, but is she? *grins*
I think you are ready, you just didn't take into account that such a meeting can change who you are. Been there, done that.
Motivation and energy..
I have found it is more then often the motivation that is lacking, rarely the energy.
If there is no motivation one will always try to find a way around it.
Hehe I am doing the same with my Physics studies, which I did fail miserably on last time. I lack motivation on Physics because I HATE mathematics like those involved and also it kinda bores me to tears.
Now I am aware of that, are you aware of why you lack motivation?
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Lucytorial said on Apr 16, 2009....
slickelicious? nickcase? instead of headcase?BWAA A HA HA LOL I crack myself up sometimes. -
SlickNick said on Apr 17, 2009....
I think I'm just lazy. I get into a routine and sometimes not the best routine and it's like I have to pry myself away to get anything done. Speaking of that I gotta pry myself away right now and get to work lol. -
Voltaire said on Apr 17, 2009....
Nick,
I know a few who are depressive, most of them are to lazy to not pull themselves out, a few are not able to.
Some prefer guidance, others want it like it is, a few pills here and there and every things good.
A routine of sorts gives some sort of secure feeling to it, that is until it is broken.
Some who have active daily routines do this just as they feel more security then being impulsive where just about anything can happen.
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HollyGoLightly said on Apr 17, 2009....
hey *Nick*~listen darling...take it from an experienced mental health patient...and in this I'm totally serious. your symptoms, your "neurosis", sound exactly like a diagnosis of manic-depression to me. believe me, i have it myself. better known as bipolar2. it often goes misdiagnosed ( as it did for yrs with me) as just depression, because some people cycle slowly, don't know they're cycling at all, etc. it masks sometimes for yrs that way...in my own case, I'm much more to the depressive side, however, I've had long running manic episodes, which I did not recognize as such at the time, but with the knowledge I now have, see it for what it was. then, over the past 8-9 yrs, I've been more of a rapid-cycler.meds help to replace the chemicals missing in your brain which cause this problem. similar to the way a diabetic needs insulin because their body doesn't produce the natural insulin needed to process sugars...so it is with depression, or manic-depression, the natural chemicals (dopamine among them) are missing in the brain...to regain the balance that should rightly be there naturally, a person needs to take the proper medication which, (contrary to popular belief DOES NOT CHANGE THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE) just like insulin, replaces what is missing in a person's brain so that they may continue to function and rise just enough above it, that they can gain some measure of control over their lives again.i hate to tell you, but i've seen it too many times, and the worst thing a person can do dealing with anything of this sort is to DIY...that is a dangerous approach to take my *slick* friend. recognizing a problem, and getting help for it is nothing to be ashamed of. i know many times male ego stands in the way for alot of guys...but you need to seek a professional opinion before it may turn into something you won't be able to see over, or deal with whatsoever, because trust me, it can hit you that fast.wherever you live must have a county mental health clinic...if you have no medical insurance, normally they can help you to qualify for state-paid medi-cal/medi-care, whatever it's called wherever you live...or they will request a payment plan if you choose not to apply for the other.i only say this out of concern, i wouldn't want you to suffer as long as i did, sometimes still do...but please consider this advice, because it's not something that will just "go away", and there is plenty of help available even without medical insurance...if worse comes to worse, you can go to any e.r.~ they have to take you~insurance or not, they will call in someone to evaluate you, then refer you or temporarily start you on meds until you are referred.there is also a test you can take online regarding manic-depression. i believe it's put out by the mayo clinic, one of the nation's leading hospitals...just search mayo clinic, and get to the test, or google bipolar2, and you may find it there...but their medical reputation is outstanding, and this test is a valuable tool to help one determine if this is what they may be dealing with...i took that test myself, and was shocked to see how accurately it fit all my shit! ;) when i took that info to me Dr. she tested me herself, sent me to counseling, started medication, and while the ride is never, never easy (there are no "magic pills"), it's much better than curling into a fetal position on the closet floor, cutting myself, behaving self-destructfully, or wanting to go to sleep and never wake up.pm me if i could help with any info or whatever...i know what you're going through is torture... ((((hugs to you))))*~*Holly*~* -
WriterCarlDobbs said on Apr 19, 2009....
I suffer from chronic depression I have found it is directly attributed to things that happened in early childhood. Please look at my blog at writercarldobbs. I have found that writing stories, books has been a deep cleansing for me. Read "The Possessed Pig" and "Numan" to see how the act of writing cleanses the soul, brings to light your subconscious mind and helps you to deal with the past.
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Apr 27, 2009....
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