I dunno if I'm extra moody or what today. I'm feeling pretty down about myself. This is the issue I'm trying to work on the most with my shrink is to be able to express myself. Last time we covered self-esteem. It seems if I can turn that around a lot of other things will turn around. However, I don't think that's going well. Today a guy I've been on a few dates with said he see's more as a friend. That's ok with me, I wasn't that attracted to him. I told him about my issues since he's my friend now, and how I don't mean to come across as young as I seem. He said I do seem older online. It's not that I want to be old or young, I'd just like to be me in person. It's so hard, I get so nervious and self conscious. So now I kind of hate myself, because at least it be nice if people could judge me for what I really would like to be, not a sweet vulnerable young naive innocent giggley quiet girl. That's going to take a long time to fix and my shrink says I should try to be happy that I am working on it, apparently going to therapy is suppose to make me happy. I did go out with a couple friends a few nights ago. One of them I walked around with at this thing at her school and we stopped to talk to some people. She could converse so well, I was so jealous. She just knew the right questions to ask, and how to react and explain, I'd love to be that way sometimes. I just stood there most the time, answered some questions if they asked me something, one of them would state something and all I could muster was "Really?", "Oh, ya?" blaaah. My friend would make a joke if they stated that to her, or was just far more charming. That doesn't help me feel any better about myself, not that it's her fault, just that I'd so love to be that comfortable with people.
Another thing is that now I feel like I'll be more alone where I'm going to school now. I thought with this guy that I'd at least have someone to hang out with, he was good company. Now that we're friends, who knows how that goes for guys. I can imagine a couple hello's here and there, then that's it. It's scary, especially with me not likeing me right now and being on my own, I can tell it's going to be hard and sad already. Part of me really wants to do it though, which leads me to another issue.
My family that I'm visiting for spring break right now is my other issue. It feels so weird to be back where I've always felt so comfortable. First thing is that my brother left the house messy because he wants my mom to stay and clean it. My mom see's it as "It's my house, I'll keep it clean." I see it as, that's such bs, why should she or me have to clean it, my mom has been trying to get me to help clean when it's all my brothers fault. Then today my mom and brother were going on bs'ing about what their plans for the future are. I didn't try to get into it, usually I do to feel included. Just didn't have it in me today, and I just don't care anymore, all they say is a bunch of lies that they never actually do anything about. It makes me miss my Dad more though, he's someone I could talk to better then the rest of my family. Then there's the thing that really made me mad, but I'm not sure why they've said it before and they're not going to change their minds. My mom was asking why my brother hated his job so much. He said how it's meaningless and boring, but Ninja would like it. She could stand something like that everyday. Wtf?! That makes me soo mad, maybe because they just don't understand me and that's my worst nightmare of a job, and how I think my brother is stupid for thinking in the first place that it wouldn't be anything other than that. Also, it means I'm the same to them and probably always will be.
It all just makes me think I'll be alone forever it seems. And just this morning I was thinking of going off my medicine soon. My medicine and I'm sure human nature give me hope though. That when I get back to school next week I'll start hitting the gym, working on my study skills, and get involved with something for sure, no more excuses on that one. I'll be away from my family and this town, it's so weird to see it in such a new light. I feel like it's been holding me back and now I've finally broken away and can do my own thing. I'm still sad though, having one of my episodes is what I'm calling it now, but I'm so tired of them, when will they go away and when can I finally be happy or at least satisfied?
