Every inch of me is pounding...in panic. Who knows what’s coming. Not me. I've never been put in this situation before. But with him, I felt at ease. I didn't feel shy anymore. He made me feel comfortable, completely at his every whim. I felt weak at the knees as he brought himself closer to my face. He steadied me back up, cradling me into his arms as he pushed me up against the kitchen counter. Unsure of what to do, I did what felt normal, I kissed him. Of course, I’ve kissed him before, but I feel like we’ve turned to a new chapter. The beginning of something I knew neither of us would know how it turned out.

He picked me up by my legs, my arms securely around his neck, and carried me into the bedroom, ready to write our novel. His warm bare chest up against what I noticed was my nervous chilled thighs brushed against each other as he carefully laid me down on the bed. The windows were open. What was he thinking? Someone could see us. He must have not noticed it, seeing how much he was into the moment, but it certainly didn’t go past me. Then my overreaction settled when I remembered we were on the fourth floor of his apartment. I was being melodramatic about things again. I really have no reason to be so worked up. I felt myself with him, I knew he wouldn’t do anything to humiliate me, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me for his enjoyment.

I could barely keep my mind straight, let alone my eyes focused on what was going on from the dizziness I felt. So I decided to try and keep my eyes on his. I trusted his every untrained move. His faded blue eyes were so very hypnotizing, it made me dizzier. The smile in his eyes illuminated the cream tone of his skin. Seconds passed and his white teeth peeked through the corner of his lips. His smile widened my eyes as I returned the favor. My vision became more unclear as his perfect face shimmered too brightly for my eyes. I still felt very lightheaded, so I settled for the closing of my eyes to calm down.

He delicately kissed my forehead and began to brush his lips down my jawbone to the base of my throat. My mouth cracked open for better flow of my uneven breathing. I ran my fingers through his hair and cupped his shaggy cheek in my hands, pulling his face back up above mine. I kissed the side of his neck, slowly maneuvering my way down the bed to reach the peak of his shoulder. Before I had the chance to experience what I could be capable of, he wrapped his free arm around my waist and brought me on top of him. In the movement, my eyes scanned the room. It took me until now to remember that his shirt was off. No wonder I wasn’t cold, it must have been about forty degrees outside, but the heat that radiated from his body kept me warm. I barely felt the chill that can from the open window. I also realized it was twilight. The oversized silver moonlight reflected off the mirror over the dresser. On the dresser laid his shirt from when he previously took it off. Everything else we still wore. With his hands folded firmly around my lower back, he hugged me tightly to his chest, embracing the moment, staring deep into my eyes. I couldn't help but give a half smile and peck him on the lips, but just a couple times. He kissed back, vehemently, every now and then, tracing the top shape of my lips with the tip of his tongue, and then pulled me back.

"Are you ok?" he vaguely said under his stressed voice.                                            

"Of, course I'm ok. Are you?"

“Just worried, don't know if you're ready for this. I don't want to rush you into anything you don't want."

My muscles stiffened when I realized what topic he’s changed to. I knew I wasn’t ready for this, how could he bring this up? What exactly was he planning on doing? Did he want me for me or for what he could get out of me?

“Cody, we’ve talked about this before…” My eyes were stiff, looking at every inch of his face for a response.

“Yeah, on the phone a very long time ago. I’m not saying that I’m calling you to this. But you’re not ready, and honestly, I’m not either. The last thing I would ever think of doing is push you…”

“Yes, but, why bring it up?” Now my mouth hung open. I felt stupid.

“Well, because…you seemed…so into the moment.” – He chuckled – “You should have seen the look on your face when I carried you to the bed. And your unstable breathing, I wasn’t…”

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong.” For the first time tonight, I wasn’t looking at him. I wasn’t sure what I was looking at, but my breathing? What was wrong with it? Was I breathing uneven again? Did my breath smell? I would have thought if it was that, he would have stopped all this before we even got to the bed. He wouldn’t flat out tell me to embarrass me.

“Listen, all I want from you is happiness, always. We might have arguments and I pray that never goes far, but I love it when you smile and I don’t ever want to see a moment when you’re not smiling.”

He closed my mouth with his hand and brought my lips closer to his. The electric shock I felt between our lips was magnetizing. I didn’t want to release myself away, not like I could, but there was something I needed to say. I felt obligated to finish this short, yet elaborate discussion.

"Thank you,” I said as I buried my face under his chin and whiffed in deeply his heavenly unique smell. “But I knew you wouldn’t rush me into anything. I trust you.”

He gave out a bass warming hum under the mysterious smile that I loved and hugged me tighter. He kissed the top of my head and ran his fingers through my hair. We lay there, embracing the moment. I listened to the whistling wind gently scrape the tree branches against the window pane. I closed my eyes once more and took in the soothing silence. Although I found it difficult to concentrate on natures symphony while Cody’s breathing felt warm through my hair. Distracted from everything else, I could now only hear is harmonious breathing. It was the only thing that I wanted to hear, the sound that made my heart beat faster.

Cody grazed his fingers down the side of my back, down to my thighs, and sent chills down my spine. I felt like laughing because of how ticklish he made me, but I bit my bottom lip and meet his eyes again. He lowered his head and began kissing the base of my throat. My body shivered at the touch of his moist lips. I don’t know how he did it; I was starting to wonder how I wasn’t crushing his lungs. My entire body was practically on top of him when he pulled me over. This has to have felt uncomfortable for him. I have to ask him, just to make sure.

“Are…you breathing ok?” I said sheepishly.               

He laughed a quick surprising laugh as he worked his way up under my ears. “What do you mean? I’m fine.” He continued kissing me and started nibbling on my ears. Now I consciously realize what he meant by my breathing, and he was clearly at fault.

“Well…with all my…body weight, I—”

“You’re weight? Out of everything to be worried about, you worry about crushing me? Babe, you’re not heavy. I’m completely comfortable, really. Are you bothered by this? We can switch…?”

“NO! No…no, it’s ok. I’m fine here, if you’re comfortable, so am I.” My mind filled with the things we could do if we switched. At least I had control this side up.

He laughed at my sudden reaction. “Ok sweetheart. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“Thank you.” I smiled and gave him one elongated intimate kiss.