It's about 3 a.m., I can't sleep, and right now I don't want to; I cannot stop thinking.
I'm not even sure how to start this...
I must have done something very...very right...
to deserve such a blessing...
And believe me, he definitely is a blessing.
Recently...
very recently...
I was for the first time in a long time
spiritually still.
And I had an instinct to walk down to dock at the end of my neighborhood.
I hadn't been there in a long time, I only go there when I'm peaceful.
So I went.
And I read my book.
And I watched families come and go.
And I took in all the energy around me:
from the trees, from the currents, from the winds, from the people...and then the people left, and I was alone, still just being present in the moment.
And then the dock started to shake. And I of course jumped to the most logical explanation:
an alligator is repeatedly ramming its head full-force into the dock's wooden frame.
...that's really what I thought...
"Why is this alligator so hell-bent for a concussion?," I pondered.
And then I realized, the shaking was merely hasty footsteps up the dock's long rampway.
From a very beautiful, very barefoot man.
My first thought: Oh thank God it's not an alligator...
My next thought: Hey beautiful man. I don't know you at all, but there's
something very awesome about you.
And I had to talk to him.
So twenty awkwardly silent minutes later, I hear his phone conversation. And I was right, he was upset about something, and he did need to talk to someone, so the dialogue went a little something like this:
Me: Hey, uh, are you alright...I mean, do you need to vent?
Him: Mmm no, I'm okay.
Me: Are you sure?
Him: Yeah I'm sure.
1 minute later...
Him: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah I'm okay, I was just wondering if you were okay.
Him: I don't want to bother anyone with my problems.
So I sat next to him, and made him "bother" me with his "problems." For hours. And for hours the next day. And the next...and the next...and the next...
And we've been talking for hours every day since.
And I've never had this much to lose.
I don't want to screw this up.
I don't want to drive him away with nagging(I'm good at that).
****************************************************************
He makes me happier than I ever thought anyone ever could.
I want him to be around for as long as he can stand me.
And he probably feels the same way.
****please God do not let me fuck this up. Yes? Will you grant that to a non-Christian?****
