Yesterday In the woods I sat around a big fire with my housemates and some appalacian through hikers. We listened to blue grass music and looked into the fire or up into space with all the stars up above the tall trees and my landlord hit on me in an innocous way. I looked at C. with the reflection of the fire on his face and he looked very cute and I'm beginning to desire again after so a month-long desert. I've never been so aware of my own (complesx, fleeting, staying) sexual impulses. I think the desert is K.'s influence. I got attached to her (which I am so greatful for because I SO rarely get attached) and I've had sex with her, but ultimately I'm more heterosexual than not, I think. That's one theory. The other is that I've been thinking about men, obsessing about men, fantasizing about men, since I was 11--that was the direction my sexualiity established itself to go--whehter because of a certain disposition or not. And I've had so many problems with men and have a hard time wiht me. And thien this whole sex with my best female friend thing comes along and its good pleasant and domestic, which I need, but it's totally unexpected and not what I have wanted at all, but maybe I want it and dont know how to deal with it. That's another theory.

...and then the hikers sang me happy birthday. I'm 21 and adrift out in the sea. Youth is a perpetual sunny day.