I felt my heart give way yesterday.... I went from being the happiest woman in the world to being broken and destroyed.... I broke my own rules and I got burned for doing it....

 

I have spent the last 7 years building myself a little slice of heaven and it all fell into hell yesterday in less time than it take me to take a shower... In about 5 minutes time my whole foundation came undone... I dont know how to put it back together, I'm not sure I can and even if I do I know I cant do it without there being cracks...

 

Its been a long time since I felt this empty feeling, I used to live with it everyday, it used to be who I was... I allowed my husband to convince me that I didnt need that numbness anymore and now I'm in pieces again... I've lost my best friend, trust, love, understanding, acceptance and respect.... I dont know how to get them back...

 

I can't believe that things have come to where they are... I feel so out of control... I see whats happening and I wanna stop it... I wanna make it all go away but I can't... I didn't start this fall and I cant break it either.. Its a one way road straight into hell and I'm afraid I have to ride it all the way...

 

I've lost myself in the fall... I dont know where I am and I dont know where I'm going... I cant see any light ahead and behind me is only pain and disillusionment... All that I thought was real and strong and solid in my world has fallen away and I'm only left with my silly notions of love, love that doesnt exist in the way I thought, love that doesnt love back in the way it should....

 

I feel it laying broken inside me... My stomach wont stop twisting and the ache inside me is almost unbearable.. Its amazing how far I've fallen since yesterday afternoon... I would have never beleived it possible... I dont know how to start to rebuild and I dont know that I can find the strength it will take.... I dont know if I'm strong enough to even try...

 

I cant stop the sharp edges from cutting and I cant control the bleeding... I cant bandage the cut because I cant reach it, I'm not sure it will stop on its own....

 

I needed to put my feelings down, I needed to pull them out of myself a bit... I hope you all understand...