• Hunniebunnie said on Aug 31, 2006....

  well then ... i think it is a good thing that you ended it ..
  
  and the answer to your question... marrage should be based on trust.. and honesty.. so yea i think you should tell her..she will be upset at first. but with it being so long ago i beleive she will be happy you told the truth...
  
  just my opinion
  

• labyrinth said on Aug 31, 2006....

  Hunnie = I've been debating with myself whether to in fact tell her or not. Something tells me that what she does not know would not hurt her. I also do not see the point of injecting something that should now be forgotten, especially at this point when our union is stronger than ever. On the other hand, I see the merits of your suggestions.
  

• Hunniebunnie said on Aug 31, 2006....

  Yes.. i do see both sides.. so it will be a hard choice ... ( both sides would even be playing in my head) ..
  
  but if it were me.. i think i would have to tell..tho.. the hardest thing to tell her would be how long it lasted
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Aug 31, 2006....

  Labyrinth, if you asked my honest advice, there should be no need to tell her of a past sin. Provided however that you have made a commitment to her and to yourself never to have an affair again.
  
  Well yes honesty is the best policy. But in your case, doing so after the betrayal has been done may only serve to put an unnecessary strain in your relationship.
  
  Marriage is based on unwavering trust and if this bond of trust is broken, it could still be saved but with slight cracks. If you really love your wife, spare her the agony of your past sins. The most you can achieve is to hurt her and put a strain in your relationship.
  
  Do you think that by confessing your past sins, you are expecting forgiveness and understanding from her? The most your intended actions will achieve is a shifting of the burden of grief from you to her.
  
  If your conscience needs forgiveness, then confess directly to God, so that your conscience and guilts may be unburdened and truly forgiven with the firm resolution of not doing it again.
  
  If you truly love your wife and feel remorseful for the fleeting betrayal upon her, an honest commitment on your part not to do it again is much better than telling her and asking for forgiveness only to do it again later on.
  
  Whatever you decide on, good luck!
  

• labyrinth said on Aug 31, 2006....

  FD, you are ever a good source of advise. I was thinking along that line also. Telling my wife would only cause her grief unnecessarily. Besides, I have come clean for the past decade and have resolved to keep it that way. I am more inclined to carry this secret to my grave. Thank you my friend.
  

• labyrinth said on Aug 31, 2006....

  FD, you know what? This is the only time I realized that I am not yet subscribed to you.
  
  **shakes head in disbelief**
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Aug 31, 2006....

  Thank you for taking the advise wholeheartedly. A guilt like sins are erased once it is forgiven. There can only be true forgiveness once genuine reparation has been rendered. In your case, you have already atoned for it satisfactorily, so no need to carry the burden as you are made clean again. :D
  

• silverwhisper said on Aug 31, 2006....

  labyrinth: i agree w/ FD. i have done things of which i am ashamed, and honestly, shattering someone's faith in you is one of the painful things you can do. if you think you feel bad now, you have no idea how much worse you can feel. please heed FD.
  
  you have a repentant heart and have learned a valuable lesson. if you tell your wife about it, she will be broken and need to begin the painful, lengthy process of healing. and depending on her reaction, she may not want you to be a part of that process. being unable to help the person who needs you the most is also a terrible feeling.
  
  ed
  

• scalywag said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I also agree with FD's advice. A very wise person indeed.
  

• anonymous said on Aug 31, 2006....

  The simple answer is, NO. It was a long time ago. It is over. You want to tell her because you feel guilty, for your own selfish motives, not for her. Telling her will not relieve your guilt, and it will hurt her.
  
  Go to a therapist or some other neutral person who will listen to your tale and not judge you, but let you unburden. That will do more good than telling your wife.
  
  More important, figure out WHY you had the affair and change that element in your life, so you're sure you will have no need for a future affair.
  

• happykat said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I'm going to chime in with the majority. Listen to FD.
  

• Zayda said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I don't think telling her now would serve any real purpose, especially if you ended the affair over a decade ago. Listen to FD.
  

• joyma said on Aug 31, 2006....

  dear labyrinth
  i read the problem and all the posts. i think you are not only suffering from the (unnecessary) guilt pangs but subconsciously you think talking about it to your wife will relieve you of the anguish and of course, pass on the burden to her !
  i have learnt through some very bitter episodes in my
  life that sharing need not necessarily halve your pain, it actually doubles.
  and look at your future together. she will forever know
  that there is a crack in the wall of trust - if she is an
  analysing sort, she will start thinking about her involvements things that she did wrong, which made you look at another woman in the first place, etc. in short, digging up the past
  to murder your present and future.
  so, let sleeping wives sleep ! you have learnt your lesson !
  

• secretlife said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I'm with FD 100%.
  

• sigroid75 said on Aug 31, 2006....

  i believe in the value of honesty--telling the truth
  when it hurts. however, exercise caution, though,
  because it will depend on the emotional stability
  of your wife, if she can handle it or not.
  
  sometimes, though, eventhough you think that she
  doesn't have a clue, she might have known it all
  along and is just waiting for you to confess.
  
  i also believe that confession makes a relationship
  stronger. although the trust has been broken before,
  it takes a lot of courage for the other person to
  actually stand up and confess. the fact that my
  partner is able to admit his indiscretions may be
  hurting is a lot to be admired.
  
  however, as woman, she will really be hurt at first.
  but when the anger will subside, she'll appreciate the
  fact that you have been honest with her,
  
  i don't know your wife, you will have to make a
  wise judgment. seek the Lord and pray for guidance.
  that's the best way.! God bless you!:-)
  

• sigroid75 said on Aug 31, 2006....

  btw, congratulations on what you did labyrinth!
  you are a remarkable man! i pray that more men
  can be like you. When although once you went
  on a different way, you had the courage to
  turn your back on it and go home to your wife
  where you rightfully belong.:-)
  

• gingersoul said on Aug 31, 2006....

  Labirynth,
  it's a real though one....for me a confession of your behavior to God if you are a believer (which i am not) might not sound as a convenient short cut ONLY if you are sorry deeply, completely, until the last cell of your blood. Otherwise you are just playing with the words and the memories.
  
  Telling your wife isn't going to heal you. Surely will damn her. And put a heavy strain on your marraige.
  
  Does somebody deserve to be cheated ? Did she do something to lead you to cheating on her? i don't know. You dont' say. Only you knows the answer.
  
  But now she doesn't deserve your alligator's tears.
  You did the damage, you have been wise enough to understand where you belonged. You have been strong enough to break up with that other woman. Who, BTW, did know about your marriage and yet had an affair with you for TWO YEARS AND HALF?
  I could ask you what you were telling to her to keep her staying in that shameful position wating for a married man to destroy a marriage. You have your responsability, Lab, and so your lover.
  
  Simply the lenght of your affair speaks loud here.
  
  But your wife has her responsability too. Nobody can shy away from in this story.You said she never had a clue.
  
  Well, Lab, i bet she did. Being in her position doesn't automatically makes of her the victim and you the murderer. She being a saint doesn't make of you the perfect cheater.
  
  When my ex husband did the same i knew it through my gut. The classic gut feeling. He wasn't doing anything particularly different or acting in a suspicious way. I mean, there were not hude red flags there. Only that very tiny, slippery details that i tried to interpret as me being over jealous. But i was vigilant. I saw the tiny peebles he was leaving behind. So I caught them.... after only two months that their affair was going on. He told me later he was astonished i figured it out. he was being so careful. he didn't want to hurt me. he was only confused.
  
  So where your wife was that she didn't see anything for two years and half?
  
  What i want to ask you is this: are you completely sure she doesn't really know?
  What if, she indeed knows all about you but kept it silence exactly like you did for all these years because she doesn't want to destroy her marriage as well?
  
  You should ask yourself this: if she knows, it has been her choice not to talk about it with you. She migth have already forvigen you in her heart so that you didnt notice any changes in her behavior toward you during these 10 years.
  
  Do you really want go and destroy even this possibility?
  
  Plus, do you know what could really hurt your wife a lot? You continuing be a chubby friend with your ex lover. Sorry,Lab, but only this would put in the dog's house for months.
  
  You have to carry this burden all by yourself now. You made that choice 10 years ago, you went back to her.
  
  So if you love her, keep loving her. Only if you believe that a secret so big between two people still makes a marriage worth of the name, and you are ok with the idea of having possibly lived with a person that might as well have kept a secret from you for so long (as you did), well, just keep it quiet and bring the trash outside. Good luck!
  

• Dazlak said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I stand alone...
  
  My opinion...
  
  I once had a dream many years ago. A nightmare, the dream was like that I was holding a hand of a woman who was dying. She and I were old and we had been maried for many years. She said to me that she loved me and she missed would miss me but there was one secret... she told me that she had an affair many years ago. A short afair, and she broke it up and did not want to leave me.
  
  I had pains in my stomach for many days. The single thought that ran through my head all those days were "She lied to me, all these years, who is that person".
  
  Imagine to be in her shoes. Imagine to think you live and love somebody that have betrayed your trust.
  
  I know that this sound harsh and I hope that nobody is offended by this.
  
  Thruth hursts, and it hurts alot. If you love her and want to be honest and good to her then I would tell the truth. If you have a good life with her and you are satisfied with it and can with your inner "demons" then ok.. do that.
  
  I have cheated on a girlfriend. I had an affair that lasted almost all the time while I was with that girlfriend. I did not tell her the thruth. I just ended the relationship.. both of them actually... and I have made peace with my inner demons about it. I like the girl which I cheated on and I know that if I wanted her back then I would have to tell her the truth.
  
  Truth will set you and you wife free....
  

• hotnsexygirl said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I find it sad when people feel the need to cheat. There is no excuse for it. is it boredom or poor communication that leads to this for most or some just love to cheat. I wish people would learn to make every conscience decision to put more effort and spice into what they have and this could be avoided or just stay single. It's hurtful and wrong, but the worst is when you do have an affair that last as long as you said yours did. I have experienced someone do this to me and still deny it even after i knew and thats even worse when they can't be upfront. I have never forgiven anyone who could do such a thing, but in this case after a while i made a decision either I forgive or i leave and never talk to him again. time apart helped a little. It still sits in my heart today and brings tears to my eyes sometimes, because i truly love this person and can't imagine being betrayed in such a way that the affair lasted as long as it did or yours did.I could never hurt him like this. that will be the hardest and most painful for her, if you tell, is how long it lasted. I am all for honesty. trust and loyalty are very important, but so is communicating..that's an awful secret to hide, but you may pay dearly and loose this women for good if you confess it. I suggest you do a lot of praying and repenting and never let it happen again. as sigroid said, she may already know about it. I figured it out. People don't realize the damage they do to their relationship even though they didn't confess during or after, because the other person does sense somethings and the problems that start forming are the ones the cheating party is making happen, by confusing their spouse with their actions or odd behavior. Your wife can't just accuse you of something she may not have proof of so it is camouflaged and brought out in other ways..The person cheating makes you feel, what are you doing wrong here, when it's not you all along. I'm the last to usually say this, but if all is good for you now and you want to keep it that way. leave it be, but the most dangerous thing here is that your still friends with this person. not healthy. keep your distance from this person you cheated with, because it would be worse if your wife ever did find out and your still friends with this person. Just my opinion. Good luck!
  

• ben_2_go said on Aug 31, 2006....

  If I was the one being cheated on I would want to know.If she loves you truely,she'll find a way to forgive you.Then again she may not care,if she felt you were treating her good.
  

• MagentaMoon said on Aug 31, 2006....

  Labyrinth: I agree with the majority of the comments. If you are truly sorry for what you did, and have no intentions of letting this happen again, then in my opinion, you should not wreck what you've spent latter years rebuilding. However, trying to remain friends with the person you had the affair with sounds like a ticking time bomb. Also, you must consider, there is an old saying: What you do in the dark will come to the light. If your wife ever finds out, you can probably stick a fork in yourself, 'cause you'll be done. You know your wife better than any of us can speculate. Of course, it's your call, but I would think long and hard before I threw gas and lit matches on a fire that was extinguished long ago. Truth is best, hypothetically. In reality, why hurt someone if you don't have to? If she's like any normal woman, or any person, for that matter, this will devaste her. Could she forgive you? Only you can probably make the most accurate guess. The previous comments by hotnsexygirl state that what you've done is unforgiveable. No such thing. We are all guilty of things, be they hidden or revealed, of which we are not proud. Ideally, fidelity is the desired status of any marriage. In reality, things happen, for whatever reasons. Sometimes we deliberately engage in improper behavior, and othertimes we get blindsided and find ourselve caught up in a situation, not fully understanding how we got there. I make no excuses for anyone, I am merely stating a fact of life. Think about it as I'm sure you have. If you can avoid hurting your wife with this type of confession, then don't. And... while you're contemplating, think to yourself, how would you react if she made a similar confession. It is also said: What goes around comes around.
  

• labyrinth said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I would like to thank you all for contributing your valuable comments and suggestions which, in the end, will surely help me in making a final decision on the matter. I respect all your views and I'm truly greatful for them.
  
  I love you all and I love this community.
  

• Indiefilm said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I'm going to say something 'unpopular'...
  
  Tell her. It will be rough, it will strain the relationship, it will be hard on both of you, but when the dust settles, you might just find your relationship stronger than it was before.
  
  Secrets do funny things to people, so does a guilty concience. One of the more interesting things it does is cause a person to pull back from the person who they've harmed. It makes a person less willing to fully communicate and be completely open with someone else.
  
  Another funny thing people have a tendancy to do is to try and justify their actions, they try to explain to themselves why it was 'ok' to do something they know was wrong, "she wasn't interested having sex as much as I was, so that's why i..., she doesn't appreciate me the way so-and-so does, 'God will forgive me, so i don't have to take responsibilty for my actions or make up the damage...' etc, ect...
  
  We try to make less of the person we harm in an attempt to 'make it ok'.
  
  If you want to be able to look your wife in the eye, and not have that little bit of nagging doubt about your relationship, tell her. come clean, and find out from her what you can do to make up the damage.
  
  The damage is already done, and either you spend the rest of your life ignoring it, or hiding from it, or you take responsibilty and own up to it.
  
  God's forgiveness might get you into heaven, but it wont save you from the hell that you'll be living in if you wife finds out from someone else, or the personal hell of a guilty concience.
  

• Lovethebeach said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I recommend you keep your mouth shut. Not because you did the right thing, but because to tell her now would cause her pain she doesn't need. However, if she was ever suspecting of you, it would behoove you to tell her.
  

• jalav said on Aug 31, 2006....

  There goes the saying, "What you don't know won't hurt you..."
  
  I advise that you shouldn't tell her, she will just suffer...and i'm sure you don't wan't that to happen.
  Let you conscience bother you vor the rest of your life....that is the price to pay.
  

• eve1 said on Aug 31, 2006....

  Speaking from a married woman.....Please don't tell her. If she doesn't know, why hurt her? Apologize to the Lord, let it go.
  

• lidstrom82 said on Aug 31, 2006....

  Frankly, I am shocked and disappointed at the prevailing opinion here. Adultery destroys marriages every day, and not just physical sex - lusting after someone else outside the marriage, if left alone to continue, leaves spouses dissatisfied with what they have and they want something different.
  
  labyrinth, tell her. She is blissfully unaware of your unfaithfulness, but you are hurting yourself by keeping this secret. You've probably been motivated by guilt, to absolve yourself of the affair by being the best husband you can. If it hasn't been a big deal, why has it come up in a post? The energy you've spent keeping this secret could have been spent having a more honest marriage. Don't lose anymore time and tell her.
  
  Why not keep it a secret, though? It would save a lot of heartache, perhaps. But truly loving and respecting someone requires honesty, because you're being mindful enough of your wife to tell her the truth and let her decide.
  
  It's sad that most of us here would rather cover up our mistakes and never seek help, healing, or forgiveness from anyone. There is always the chance we'll get rejected by the person we hurt, but that does NOT justify keeping a secret that is potentially destructive. The fact that it's such a big secret is a great reason WHY it must be revealed.
  
  FaithfulDisciple, labyrinth has proven himself a capable husband in the aftermath of the affair. Labyrinth, you made the right choice to end the affair. But keeping it a secret disrespects your wife and preoccupies you with guilt and energy wasted. That adds stress to you and in subtle ways, it sabotages trust. Just think if your wife had an affair without your knowledge, years ago, instead of you. Wouldn't you want the right to know? I mean, not only did she cheat on you, but didn't respect you enough to be honest about it?
  
  Secrets divide us and add stress, even if only for the secret-keeper. Labyrinth, it seems like you just want to keep it secret, and similar opinions have only enforced you. Are you truly open to advice, or do you just want like minds to justify a decision you've already made?
  
  Be honest with yourself, but especially, be honest with your wife. If you want to honor her and keep faithful in your marriage, be an honorable man and confess.
  

• silverwhisper said on Aug 31, 2006....

  lidstrom: there are legitimate reasons for him to hold his tongue. it's a shame you don't seem to understand that.
  
  ed
  

• Zayda said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I'm sorry Lidstrom but telling her will do far more harm than good; it will destroy her faith in him, and there is really no need to do that since the affair has ended. Silver is right, it is really a shame that you don't understand that there are legitimate reasons for him to not tell her.
  

• JadeLondon said on Aug 31, 2006....

  I am really caught on this one. I can understand the urge to be honest because I am the same way. But by the same token, seeing as you are the regretful and realized the error of your ways, perhaps that is punishment enough.
  
  I cannot rightly tell you what the correct thing do is. You need to take the path that you can live with. I just hope if you tell her the truth that your marriage can withstand the shock because you obviously care for her.
  
  Good luck. Please don't think me wishy-washy, but I am caught on the fence with this one.
  

• Jenna said on Sep 01, 2006....

  No, No, No, .... do not tell her!! In other posts, you have eluded to a strong happy , healthy relationship. Why destroy her happiness so you can feel.... what... cleansed??? I do not judge because I have stood where you are standing... but I think it is selfish to hurt someone to make yourself feel better. And then forever... there will always be this thing... just my opinion. good luck in your decision...I support you which ever way you go.
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Sep 01, 2006....

  I shall try to pretend that I was in the shoes of Lab's wife.
  
  This is Scenario 1 when I knew it all along and pretend not to know of it.
  
  Yes, I knew it all long that he cheated on me. But I could also sensed that he ended the affair. Sure as it was going on, his infidelity did hurt me.
  
  But because I truly love him, I have already found it in my heart to forgive him. Even if he will not tell me about it, then I will understand that his silence and continued presence with me is a sign of his commitment and love.
  
  I take no offense and have long forgiven you on this one so be at peace with yourself.
  
  This is Scenario 2 when I didn't have any idea of it at all.
  
  After all that we've been through, I was always there for you, looking after you, offered you my trust and my love. Yet you betrayed me. What kind of a person are you?
  
  What have I done for me to deserve this breach of trust? Who are you? Are you still the same person you present yourself to be? How could you do this to me?
  
  Is it really over between you two? Do you expect me to believe you on that? How can I believe you when you betrayed my trust and yet you say you truly love me?
  If you really love and honored me, you wouldn't have done this to me. Why have you done this to me? Why?
  
  How do you expect me to go on? Why should I trust you again? Tell me why?
  
  These are the possible questions that will run inside her mind. When you can honestly find a suitable answer for each one, then you can decide the best course of action to take. Good luck!
  

• labyrinth said on Sep 01, 2006....

  I've made up my mind. I will not tell my wife about it. I will just love her more from now on, and never allow myself to be unfaithful to her.
  
  Thank you all for your comments, especially those who confirmed my initial inclination not to tell my wife about it.
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Sep 01, 2006....

  BTW, this is your first featured post with more than 206 hits and 33 comments. Way to go Labyrinth, welcome to the top hits club. :D
  

• Jenna said on Sep 01, 2006....

  I think you are wise....love her, love her , love her...but at the same time...forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. Good luck sweetie!
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 01, 2006....

  FD: "After all that we've been through, I was always there for you, looking after you, offered you my trust and my love. Yet you betrayed me. What kind of a person are you?
  
  What have I done for me to deserve this breach of trust? Who are you? Are you still the same person you present yourself to be? How could you do this to me?"
  
  Those are all valid questions. By his own admission he did betray her trust, and he continues to do so every day he doesn't tell her.
  
  If his wife doesn't know about it, then she is married to a person she doesn't really know.
  
  SW: "there are legitimate reasons for him to hold his tongue. it's a shame you don't seem to understand that."
  
  Legitimate? Like what? oh, yes, not causeing her 'un-due' stress, or pain. So instead should spend the rest of his life hiding his past from the one person who he absolutly should be able to talk to. And in doing so, always have this thing sitting in the back of his mind, coloring his actions towards and thoughts about his wife.
  
  And what about breaking her 'trust' in him, what happens if she hears about it from someone else? I've been cheated on, and I heard it from someone else.
  
  THAT hurts a hell of a lot more than hearing it from the person themselves. When you hear it from someone else, the chances of keeping the relationship together are generally pretty damn slim. When the person themselves comes clean, yes, it still hurts, but it can be worked out.
  
  The bottom line is that the trust was broken already, all he's done is delay it's effects and left it to fester.
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 01, 2006....

  indie: you're inferring things about the relationship b/n quidnunc and his wife which may not necessarily be appropriate.
  
  it's already been ten years. had it been last week, i'd be advocating a very different course of action. but now, after a full decade? if he comes clean now, after all this time, the chances are already slim, if you ask me.
  
  ed
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 01, 2006....

  SW: first, b/n??? Not sure what that's short for.
  
  second; your right, its been 10 years, he hasn't repeated the offense, and they are still together. Those two things are why i would advocate telling her, and why I don't think it would destroy the marriage.
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 01, 2006....

  indie: sorry, short for between. i think it's actually shorthand or something--i don't recall where i picked it up.
  
  re: the second thing, that's obviously going to be a function of their relationship, wouldn't you say? for some people, any infidelity is instant grounds for a divorce.
  
  ed
  

• evelynvesta said on Sep 01, 2006....

  Unless you want to say good bye to the marriage, DON'T
  tell her. She will never recover, adn your relationship will never be the same.
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 01, 2006....

  SW: Your right about the 'any infidelity' bit. But aren't we both making suppostions and inferences about the relationship, and especially about the wife? Neither of us is really in a position to 'know' what she thinks on the matter or how she feels.
  
  Perhaps she would rather live blissfully un aware of it, perhaps she would rather know about it and deal with it out in the open.
  
  At the end of the day, Lab's wife is the only one who really knows what she'd rather have happen. Lab can guess, based upon what he knows about his wife after so many years. You and I, we can speculate, and offer our opinions, but we are very short on facts.
  
  Besides, somebody had to stand up and give a differing oppinion on the matter. ;)
  

• evelynvesta said on Sep 01, 2006....

  Excuse me, I just read sigroid75's response and I must comment.
  
  "it will depend on the emotional stability
  of your wife, if she can handle it or not."
  
  The emotional stability of the wife??? It seems like my
  man here is the emotionally unstable one.
  
  i believe in the value of honesty--telling the truth
  when it hurts. however, exercise caution, though,
  because it will depend on the emotional stability
  of your wife, if she can handle it or not.
  
  sometimes, though, eventhough you think that she
  doesn't have a clue, she might have known it all
  along and is just waiting for you to confess.
  
  "i also believe that confession makes a relationship
  stronger."
  
  Keep the confession compusion confined to your
  relationship with your religion which you seem to rely on
  for insight.
  
  "however, as woman, she will really be hurt at first."
  
  As a woman???
  
  What an unbelievably sexist statement. And so typical of
  one parroting God references. FYI, men take infidelity
  much harder than women, often to the point of violent retaliation.
  
  "seek the Lord and pray for guidance.
  that's the best way.! God bless you!:-)
  
  Hopefully his God gives him a better grasp on reality
  than yours!
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 01, 2006....

  evelynvesta: "Unless you want to say good bye to the marriage, DON'T
  tell her. She will never recover, adn your relationship will never be the same."
  
  Just curious, how do you know she will "never recover"?
  
  Or even that she will decide to end the marriage?
  
  I know poeple who have had spouses cheat on them. You know what, they got over it. Being cheated upon isn't the end of the world, there are much worse things that can happen to a person, which are far more emotionally scarring.
  
  Saying that his wife is emotionally unable to cope with the knowledge that she was cheated on is sexist. Because she's a woman she can't handle knowing the truth?
  
  in reference to your 'as a woman?' comment, How else is she supposed to take it? like a man?
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 01, 2006....

  indie: fair enough, re: our discussion. :>
  
  ed
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 01, 2006....

  SW: no prob ;) I'm of the opinion that you never really find out about something until you question & inspect it.
  
  I'm also of the opinion that just becuase 'everyone is doing it' doesn't make it right. ;)
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 01, 2006....

  if you didn't feel that way, you wouldn't use that handle, now would you? :>
  
  ed
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 01, 2006....

  He speaks sooth. ;)
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 01, 2006....

  well, at least I can edit the second comment when I accidentally double post now...
  

• labyrinth said on Sep 01, 2006....

  silverwhisper: you're inferring things about the relationship b/n quidnunc and his wife which may not necessarily be appropriate
  
  How did quidnunc enter the picture? It's my relationship, not his, that we're talking about here. :-)
  
  Indiefilm and SW: I appreciate your full-blow discussion on the issue. I have sized up my wife and I'm honestly convinced that my decision not to tell her is correct.
  

• eve1 said on Sep 01, 2006....

  Please don't tell her. That was your mistake, why drag her into it. I married young also, if my husband fooled around 10 years ago....I would'nt want to know. He obviously treated me with love or I would have suspected. You will distroy your marriage. Please don't listen to some of these holy than thou comments. Everyone makes mistakes, your punishment is that your still feeling guilty.....That's enough, I beg you, don't hurt her. She'll never trust you, she might leave you, if she stays, you'll wish she left........Not to mention, she might feel the need to do the same thing.....Don't bring her down like that. Take a married woman's advice, DON'T TELL HER!
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 01, 2006....

  sorry, labyrinth: got confused. :>
  
  ed
  

• labyrinth said on Sep 01, 2006....

  Thanks eve1. Besides, during the two and a half years, I never made my wife feel that I loved her less.
  
  SW, no problem, my man.
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 01, 2006....

  Eve1: who the hell said I was being 'holier than though'!
  
  Devil's advocate maybe, expressing my honest belief in what I would do in the situation, definetly.
  
  While I never 'cheated' on my wife, while we were still dating I did some stuff that she definetly wouldn't have approved of, I knew that, I broke an agreement behind her back. Prior to marrying her, I came clean on it and told her about it. While, yes, she was extreamly upset for a while, we worked through it, the wound healed and we are stronger than we were before.
  
  I speak from my own experience. Besides Lab asked for advice from the soulcast community, so I gave my advice.
  
  Lab: At the end of the day, it is your decission. You do know your wife better than I do. Good luck either way. ;)
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 02, 2006....

  It is your decision, labyrinth, and what you decide will be what you live with for life. It's not a decision you're taking lightly, and I respect that.
  
  Silver, it is no such shame that I do not see reasons to hide adultery from a spouse. I merely championed for labyrinth to be honest with his spouse, and to hold himself accountable to his mistake by owning up to it, no matter the consequences. That is honesty, and bravery.
  
  My opinion was obviously not popular, but then again, it's usually NOT the popular opinion that is the RIGHT one. Remember that. There is a difference between what is right, and what is easy. Keeping the secret is easy, but being honest is right.
  
  Further, I understand that you wouldn't want to tell her out of fear of the consequences - she might be hurt for a long time, or want a divorce, etc.
  
  10 years is a long time to hold this secret, labyrinth, but think about this: if you had told her 5-9 years ago, the marriage probably would have healed by now. If you really think she would divorce you if she found out, then keeping it from her is being dishonest. Lying is NOT just telling someone an untruth...it is ALSO omitting the truth by not saying it at all.
  
  Again, there is a difference between telling the truth and attacking someone. Labyrinth, I am not attacking you. I think I struck a nerve with several people here, but it is not out of malice or religious dogma. You cheated on your wife, and you have elected never to tell her. Some clearly feel I am wrong for saying that is possibly going to hurt your marriage, but at the end of the day I simply don't want you to make a mistake about such a serious situation. I do care for your decision and for your marriage.
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 02, 2006....

  lidstrom, i understand your reasons. once i might have thought as you do. i simply can't anymore.
  
  ed
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Sep 02, 2006....

  There is something good that has come of this soul searching experience of Labyrinth. He acknowledges his fault and realizes the extent of his infidelity.
  
  He has suffered long enough. For ten years is nore than enough time to be atoning for a grave mistake which he acknowledges as his fault.
  
  With this experience, he has realized the importance of keeping his marriage intact and how much he values the continued commitment he has long strived to maintain.
  
  Lab, you must find it in your heart to forgive yourself. If in the manner of loving her more than twice the usual you have shown in the past ten years, the next ten years of your married life will be a great opportunity to show her that she truly deserves the trust and love from the man that she married 18 years ago.
  
  Give yourself and her that chance, move on, be done with the guilt and enjoy your life together.
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 02, 2006....

  FaithfulDisciple, I understand where you're coming from, but I feel I must hold you accountable as a fellow believer.
  
  The story of Jesus saving the woman caught in adultery is one of the best-known tales from the Bible. The woman is surrounded by her accusers, with stones in their hand to kill her with. Jesus walks up, writes something in the dirt, and states, "He who is without sin cast the first stone."
  
  The accusers look at Jesus, then at each other, and then walk away slowly. One by one. What did Jesus write in the dirt? It doesn't say, but some think that jesus wrote down the sins of the accusers, plan for all of them to see, that they did not have the right to kill her - if she must die for a sin, they too must die for theirs.
  
  But Jesus saves the woman and asks her where her accusers are, and if any remain to judge her. She says they are gone, and jesus tells her that she does not judge her, either. But then he says this: "Go and sin no more".
  
  Jesus does have mercy on us, in that we do mess up but we are not sentenced to death for things such as adultery. But let me be clear: there are consequences to sin. labyrinth, you've lived with the consequence of keeping a secret about the sin of adultery for over a decade. Adultery, something that in the past has been regarded as grounds for death, is something you participated in.
  
  But this is why I am concerned for you, labyrinth: you've committed adultery, but you've also feigned faithfulness ever since - it's like covering up one sin with another, or essentially plugging a hole in a boat with an anvil.
  
  FaithfulDisciple, I think you are encouraging labyrinth to keep the secret despite the fact that doing so goes against what you and I both hold to - the Ten Commandments. Do not commit adultery. Do not lie. It's right there.
  
  No one's here to judge you, labyrinth, nor will I. But when a mistake is made, it must be pointed out. When that mistake is encouraged, it must also be pointed out. That is what I am doing.
  
  Isn't it sad that most of us know the truth about this, but your wife is still completely in the dark after years of marriage?
  
  Labyrinth, I get the distinct feeling that you've tried to let yourself off the hook and rid yourself of guilt. I don't think you'll ever escape it if you try to seek forgiveness on your own. Jesus forgave the woman's sin, and will forgive yours also, if you have remorse. But remember, you promised faithfulness to your wife. She is the one you sinned against. You must also seek forgiveness from her.
  
  And that is why it is desperately important for you to tell her. Because you can only cover up the stain that adultery has left on you - but forgiveness completely wipes it away. I think you know that is true because if you could erase the mark, by yourself, we wouldn't be having this discussion; you'd be "forgiven and healed" already. But ultimately, God forgives our confessed sins, even if the person we sin against does not. If your wife ever rejects you, God is still there.
  
  There are many complex thoughts here, but it boils down to this: honesty is best in marriage, and living a lie adds stress, guilt, worry, and doubt that saps strength away from the marriage - even if only one spouse suffers from it. FaithfulDisciple, our beliefs support this, so going along with keeping the secret compromises your position.
  
  Labyrinth, the decision is yours. I've spent a good amount of time crafting my reasons why it's best to come clean and tell your wife. Please consider the care taken and imagine the positive aspects of telling her the truth - you won't live in guilt, of shame, or fear. Everything will be out in the open between you and your wife, and the newfound honesty is a huge asset to marriage in a time when most marriages fail.
  
  Silver, I read your response and I was wondering: you once thought as I would. Why not? This is just a rhetorical question for you: are there secrets and baggage hidden from your wife, or vice versa, that if honest about them, would cause problems in your marriage? Or secrets in your life that would seemingly wreck it if revealed? Is that why you're supporting this continued secret? I ask all this to encourage you to be free, my friend, if baggage exists.
  
  When we screw up, the last thing we want to do is tell the truth. We don't want our screwup public and punishment to follow. Sometimes the authority figures in our life would punish us severely, and give us further reason to avoid telling the truth. But labyrinth, you have a loving wife that has supported you for a long time. It must be hard not to know whether she'd still accept you after she finds out about the affair. But listen: there is just as much chance she will forgive you, as there is that she won't. Telling her the truth opens the door for her to show forgiveness and mercy to you. Jesus showed the same mercy and forgiveness to the woman caught in adultery, and as a result, a life was saved. Your wife could give you forgiveness, and your live could be saved from guilt in the same way.
  

• hotnsexygirl said on Sep 02, 2006....

  I'm sorry, but even though I agree with some of the things eve1 said, the guilt part and the person being punished enough is not so, because the other party who is not aware of this and was betrayed is left clueless, see that would be punishment to face up to what was done to his wife by her knowing about it and him feeling her wrath. I would hate for this women to have to deal with the hurt it would bring her, I've experiences this pain, but I am just commenting on the fact that unless you face and deal with the person you hurt your guilt you feel that is unknown to others except for those that keep commenting and the person the dirty deed was done with, then you truly have not been punished. When the guilty party doesn't admit what they have done their is no resolve for the one who was hurt. It's as if he got off scott free and I have choosen to say something, because I was bothered by what Labrinth said, he said, besides I never made my wife feel any less loved that is very frustrating. just because you made someone feel loved in your eyes doesn't mean anything. Tell her and see how so loved she feels after that... It's as if you were saying right to her, Honey I screwed up, BUT I still gave you plenty of love..That wouldn't mean crap if she knew.. I don't care how loving you say you were, You shared the most intimate moments with another women who wasn't her for so long, You touched another women who was not your wife and still went home to her and touched her.. trust me it's a betrayal so Huge, eve1 was right! She will probably be destroyed after this no matter how many years you were married and it will either take her a long time to heal or she may never. It's a long and hard recovery..
  

• tisha said on Sep 02, 2006....

  Telling her only helps you get something off your chest and that is selfish! Why only think about how you feel, what about how she would feel if you told her? Your punishment is to keep the secret.
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Sep 02, 2006....

  lidstrom: Labyrinth committed adultery and that is done with as in over. He has already stated his case of being true to her for the past 10 years.
  
  Why does he need to confess a sin he has long atoned for? What do you expect to gain from such a confession? Release of self guilt, forgiveness from his wife?
  
  Isn't it that Jesus has said to the adulteress, "There is no one here left to judge you, I do not judge you, go and sin no more. This is true forgiveness from God but the condition is that she shouldn't commit the same sin again.
  
  This is exactly similar to Labyrinth's case. He has confessed his sins of adultery and he has broken from this bondage of sin by breaking off from his relationship. He states that he even cried (a sign of sincere regret for doing so) when he mentioned:

  It was I who ended the affair. It hurt a lot. I actually cried when I broke off with her -- but I knew it was the right thing to do.

  
  
  He also has atoned more than adequately for his sin by staying true to his relationship for the past 10 years. So in the eyes of God, his sins are forgiven him in as much as the sins of the adulteress are too.
  
  And since his sins are forgiven, he is again made clean in God's eyes, so I want to impress upon to Labyrinth that God has truly forgiven you your sins, so you should no longer hold any guilt for it.
  
  Lab has done a complete confession to God already, repentance (by doing what was right even though it hurts), absolution (by breaking off the relationship) and atonement (by staying true to his marriage).
  
  If God has already forgiven him, then who are we to say that he should still make a confession to his wife? The great risk that can only be achieved in this unburdening is a shifting of the burden of grief and a consequent deterioration of their bond of marital trust.
  
  At worst, it can even lead to marital separation which is against God's laws: What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
  
  I hope my dear brother lidstrom, I have enlightened you on this issue. God bless!
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 03, 2006....

  FD, thanks for clarifying, my friend. I do understand what you're saying. Labyrinth was right in ending the affair, and has been a good husband ever since.
  
  But was it out of guilt? Has he been a good husband all this time to try and make up for the adultery? Guilt is a poor motivator to love someone, because love is BEST when it's honest and open. Hiding adultery is not honest or open.
  
  I see what you're saying about God forgiving Labyrinth, FD, but here is the problem:
  
  Leviticus 19:11 - "'Do not steal. "'Do not lie. "'Do not deceive one another."
  
  Jeremiah 9:5 - "Friend deceives friend, and no one speaks the truth. They have taught their tongues to lie; they weary themselves with sinning."
  
  2 Corinthians 4:2 - "We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God. "
  
  FD, Jesus Himself said that divorce is acceptable on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness. So in this case, the wife could divorce with a clear conscience - it's NOT against the Bible.
  
  Of course, I don't know what labyrinth personally believes about religion in general, so let's get back on track. The point is, FD, I think you're misinterpreting how God relates to us. If we only have to seek forgiveness from God and not from each other, then we'd never have to apologize for anything we did to anyone. We'd never have to tell the truth.
  
  Labyrinth's wife has a right to know, because she pledged her life and faithfulness to labyrinth on their wedding day. She deserves to know because labyrinth broke those marriage vows. The amount of time since the adultery does not lessen the issue. She deserves to know. And you deserve to know that your opinion on the issue is actually contrary to God's Word.
  
  At any rate, when we get married, we promise ourselves to another person for life. Few couples actually make it that far, it seems. And why? Because commitment is lacking. Secrets are kept. Communication breaks down. We'd rather sweep everything under the rug and live with keeping appearances than actually being honest and loving each other. How sad it is that we are more worried about looking like good people than doing the important things that really ARE good.
  
  When we're unhappy, it's usually because we've resigned ourselves and settled for something less than what we wanted. It takes hard work to be successful, but if we're not willing to do the hard work, we settle for "just getting by". We are never satisfied because we aren't doing what it takes to be satisfied.
  
  Labyrinth, we all love you here. You're in a tough situation. If you truly want to love and honor your wife, be honest with her. Don't let this hang over your head for life. Don't keep your wife in the dark. You HAVE been a kickass husband for 10 years, and you chose to end the affair, and that shows strong character that your wife will appreciate. If this whole situation isn't that big a deal like many claim, why not just tell her? Because dishonesty is a big deal, especially when it concerns adultery.
  
  You have a good track record, labyrinth...I'd hate for your wife to hear from someone else about the affair. It must come from you. "Man up" and tell her.
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Sep 03, 2006....

  lidstrom: Today's Gospel was about the Ten Commandments. One of the commandments was thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor. There is no commandment that specifically says you shall not lie.
  
  There is a difference between lying and accusing falsely. The mere fact that Labyrinth chose to keep silent about his past mistake is not tantamount to lying.
  
  Also, it is not possible to be asking everyone to whom we have sinned for forgiveness. That's why the Lord's prayer is very clear on this Forgive us our sins as we forgive the sins of others. This is the prayer taught to us by our Almighty Father in Heaven. God knows all of our sins and the only way we could be forgiven is if we know how to forgive those who have sinned us in return.
  
  So if you ask for forgiveness from the Father of your sins and there is true and genuine repentance in the sinner's heart, it is forgiven, wiped away and you are made clean in God's eyes. But in order to be forgiven, one must also be ready to forgive those who have caused transgressions on us.
  
  The choice is with Labyrinth, if he wishes to reveal of his past sin and ask forgiveness from his wife. But I see no real benefit out of it, because of what I have already previously mentioned. Labyrinth's sin of infidelity have long been forgiven by God, if Labyrinth also finds it in his heart to forgive those who likewise have sinned against him.
  

• Mamie said on Sep 03, 2006....

  blessings to you Laby , and look at the spirit you have drummed up for our Lord. Be at peace with your decision and continue to follow your heart.
  
  There are likely a select few who have followed this conversation and learned a little more about the heartache involved in situations like this. You likely saved many relationships...and perhaps that was God's point all along.
  
  If you have accomplished this then, forgive yourself as God has already done and begin the second chapeter of loving your wife, more than ever.
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 03, 2006....

  FD, there are consequences for lying and deceiving. I'd rather labyrinth face them now than at life's end when God asks him about it.
  
  Leviticus 19:11, which I quoted above, says plainly. "Do not lie. Do not deceive one another." How is keeping adultery a secret NOT lying, or not deceiving your spouse? Please answer that.
  
  deceive: "1. to make a person believe what is not true; delude; mislead; 2. to be false to; betray"
  
  Labyrinth can never say he has always been faithful to his wife, but by keeping the affair hidden, he continues the deception. Mamie, God will work through this post, but labyrinth is not to be commended for going through suffering and guilt that he inflicted upon himself. He's tried to forgive himself for over 10 years, and yet here we are, labyrinth still wrestling over it, and most of you giving him permission to live a lie. And we wonder why more marriages fail than succeed.
  
  FD, I'm sorry if I made out "do not lie" to be one of the 10 commandments. But why is that an issue when "do not commit adultery" IS a commandment?
  
  God does forgive our sin, as we forgive others. But labyrinth's wife cannot forgive him if he keeps the sin a secret. THAT is deception, and that is what you've endorsed for labyrinth, FD. That is why I'm so adamant about this.
  
  When you sin against a brother or sister, we are called to confess our sin so that we do not deceive them. Your words, FD, are directly against that. God forgives us, yes, but He did NOT intend for spouses to keep each other in the dark. Before we continue this discussion, FD, I recommend you look to Scripture, as I have done, and consider the possibility that you have taken the right words to the wrong conclusion.
  
  I fear that Labyrinth has already made his decision and may not have even read the following posts, in which case all our words now are water under the bridge.
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Sep 04, 2006....

  lidstrom:

  God does forgive our sin, as we forgive others. But labyrinth's wife cannot forgive him if he keeps the sin a secret. THAT is deception, and that is what you've endorsed for labyrinth, FD. That is why I'm so adamant about this.

  
  
  I want to make this clear to you that I'm not endorsing for Labyrinth. I'm merely dioscussing the options for him to choose the best poosible option available to him.
  
  Let me make it clear to you lidstrom, yes there was adultery committed but it was done and over with. Finished as in there was already a termination of the relationship.
  
  The way I see it, you continue to hold Labyrinth accountable for the sin of adultery when God has already forgiven him. No one has a right to say that Labyrinth has committed the sin of adultery and is still guilty of it.
  
  Not you nor I or anyone else for that matter. So no one has a right to tell Labyrinth that his sins of adultery remains as what you seem to be doing unless he confesses it to this wife.
  
  I reiterate my statement: It is not possible to be asking everyone to whom we have sinned for forgiveness. That's why the Lord's prayer is very clear on this Forgive us our sins as we forgive the sins of others.
  
  In Labyrinth's case, it is not possible since the stakes are high as it involves the very life of their marriage itself. So before you start on telling everyone the righteous way of doing things, such as what you seem to be doing right now, try to look at this issue with a little sense of mercy and compassion.
  
  This is the true essence of Christianity to be merciful and compassionate, and not to be judgmental and vindictive. If we are to follow your line of thinking, then the adulteress should go around asking everyone with whom she slept with for forgiveness for her sins of adultery. Is that practical?
  
  lidstrom: You must realize that this is only a posting of varied opinions and Lab may have already had his own decision even before he posted the question. He was only trying to get a second confirmation. Whatever arguments we present here are just purely for discussion purposes.
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Sep 04, 2006....

  Mamie, as a married woman who has so much love and devotion for your husband, your words of wisdom is a great blessing to everyone who may be encountering the same situation as Labyrinth.
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 04, 2006....

  I see, FD. An "agree to disagree" impasse might be the best way to resolve this.
  
  This will be my last post on the matter.
  
  I do not see quoting the Bible as being vindictive or judgmental. I know exactly what you mean about your thought of, "why do you assume God hasn't forgiven Him?"...at the same time, how do we know God HAS?
  
  My point has always tried to be to help labyrinth make the right decision. I do apologize for losing sight of that at times. I do not apologize for upholding what the Bible says about lying and deceiving. The truth is, we all do at some point, but the fact is we hurt ourselves when we do it, and that's why they're bad. I don't want labyrinth or his wife hurt by his choice to keep this secret.
  
  FaithfulDisciple, we cannot ask forgiveness from absolutely everyone we've wronged. But this is his wife. He sleeps next to her every night. She was wronged and she doesn't even know it. Time doesn't change that. If that were true, let's stop looking for bin Laden...after all, it's been almost 5 years since 9/11, and he has extended the olive branch before, so shouldn't we give him a break from hiding in caves?
  
  Adultery is dangerous because the adulterer sins against their spouse. They reject the marriage vows and the spouse by getting gratification and intimacy from someone else.
  
  I wonder if we asked married women whether they'd want to know if their husband cheated on them, if many of them would say yes. We are so focused on labyrinth's position, but what about his wife? If we were her, would be want to know the truth, or be blissfully ignorant? By keeping this a secret, it's taken out of her hands and this could drive an invisible wedge between the two of them. That's why I'm pressing this point - I don't want to see another failed marriage in this world.
  
  FD, I again ask you to look through the Scriptures and and determine how God works and forgives us. I don't think it's fair for either of us to tell someone whether they're forgiven or not. If we're unrepentent, God won't overlook it. FD, I also fear that your opinion has contradicted Christian views, which is a major reason why the rest of the world does not take Christianity seriously. I don't want you to come under fire for being a Christian who has taken a worldly view of things. Yes, that includes deciding how God has forgiven people. A worldly view is that "good people" go to Heaven, but that's crap. Forgiven people go to Heaven. You can't be forgiven without repenting, and lying and deceiving willfully isn't exactly repenting.
  
  You're a great person, FD, and we've had some great dialogue and conversations. Despite strong words, I do want you to know that as a brother in Christ, I must hold you accountable, and vice versa, so that we don't speak for God and say something He didn't - that damages and hurts, especially when we tell nonchristians that "you're ok, you're forgiven" when we actually do not know. Holding you accountable is a loving thing, even though I was very adamant about it. I've tried to hold labyrinth accountable, but it appears his mind is made up. I have not done these things out of spite, but out of concern.
  
  In the end, one of the best ways we can all love each other is to be honest with each other, especially in making mistakes, so that no bitterness or resentment or guilt is harbored, and that we aren't trying to earn forgiveness for hidden mistakes we've made. It's a treadmill you never get off of. Sharing our mistakes and admitting weaknesses make us human, and we connect through our vices as well as our strengths.
  

• FaithfulDisciple said on Sep 04, 2006....

  For whatever it is worth, I enjoyed having thorough discussion with you on this matter lidstrom. Though we share the same Christian faith, it is clear that we don't have the same views as to their interpretations.
  
  The basic rules of God are simply outlined in the 10 commandments and was further simplified by Jesus as 2 basic commandments. Simply put, if we try our best to live our life by these standards, we are within God's mercy and compassion.
  
  Jesus said that God doesn't want sacrifices, instead He desires mercy and repentance from everyone. It is my thinking that God is the source of Infinite Mercy and Compassion and since man is created in His own image, God wishes for man to reflect this character of mercy and compassion in our daily life.
  
  As you've also made a valid point in requiring Labyrinth to be honest in his relationship with his spouse, I still honestly believe that it is his exclusive option to do so after carefully evaluating all possible consequences of such decision.
  
  I don't condone the act of adultery but where there is genuine repentance of a past sin, I also don't hold account of it anymore after it is forgiven and recompensed for adequately and sincerely.
  
  I enjoyed having this insightful discussion with you my brother lidstrom and I shall upon your advice look to the Bible for continued enlightenment though our interpretation may be sometimes different.
  

• bitterlove said on Sep 04, 2006....

  I know lidstrom is right.
  
  So much of debating over it, and yet in the end it's much simple. There is nothing clearer than the Bible and there can't be twisting to it so that it'll fit your comfort zone.
  
  You can't put yourself in someone's shoes. Because you know why? You try to. But you can't REALLY REALLY feel what the person feels and what do they really want.
  
  Yeah, they would be hurt. But honestly, if given a choice, would they rather be kept in the dark or in the light? Would someone say, 'Oh, I don't want to know anything if I'm kept in the dark.'
  
  I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's because I really care. At first I was angry that lab, you could cheat on her. But that was the first impression. It was prejudiced. I'm sorry.
  
  But I'm sorry to say that... not telling her, would mean you're deceiving her. As lidstrom has clearly put it, to make a person believe what is not true. So... even if God has already forgiven you about your past sin... what about having deceived and STILL deceiving your wife? How can God forgive you when you're still doing it when he has clearly said do not deceive?
  
  I know what the probable consequences are. You are afraid she might leave you. You think it is selfish to tell her because it will 'pass' your grief to her, and hurt her. But to actually think so is even more.
  
  I myself felt how it was like to be cheated upon. But I got through it because 'Love conquers all'. It is ultimately your choice, and I'm not judging you but continuing to live a sin and a lie, will end you up in terribly if God were to see you face to face and he knows everything.
  
  Best of luck. The truth will set you free. Not from guilt but from your sins.
  

• RollingC said on Sep 05, 2006....

  Like the Johnny Cash song of long ago...
  
  I keep a close watch on this heart of mine...
  I keep my eyes wide open all the time...
  I keep the ends out for the tide at five...
  Because you're mine...
  I walk the line...
  
  nice song with a nice message...
  

• nelupatridge said on Sep 06, 2006....

  hi! no let thnhs be as they are ... i feel than ignorance in this case is bliss dont even think about revealing this. As such what she doesnt know will not affect her. whats happened has happend why go through all this. and will she take it in her stride ? will your relation be the same with her....
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 06, 2006....

  Anonymous: A real man, like someone who doesn't have the balls to post without using the anonymous feature?
  
  Or do you realize that insulting people isn't a good thing to do, and so have to hide for fear that someone else might treat you the same way?
  
  Perhaps if you don't want people to attack you, it might be better not to attack others like a vindictive little child, rather than hiding behind the anonymous feature.
  
  Grow up.
  I'd say get a life, but that would be a bit like the pot calling the kettle black now wouldn't it...
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 06, 2006....

  indie: i find it better just to ignore the shithead(s).
  
  ed
  

• Indiefilm said on Sep 06, 2006....

  SW: I usually do ignore them.
  
  When I was a kid I used to throw rocks at hornets nests. You know, just to stir things up a bit. A break from the monotony of an otherwise dull day... It was a bit of a rush to see a huge swarm of angry hornets pilling out of a basket ball sized nest.
  
  Some days, nestalgia kicks in and I have a need to go find a hornets nest and some rocks. Just for old times sake.
  
  ;)
  

• evelynvesta said on Sep 08, 2006....

  For Christ sake, what's with all the bible quoting? This is
  America. We got Jews, Muslims, Buddhist and agnostics,
  etc., and some of us like to actually think for ourselves.
  Give it a rest! What would Jesus say? Keep your promises
  to other people and keep your wandering dick in your
  pants and if you screw up, move on.
  

• CookieUselmann said on Sep 23, 2006....

  As you see alot of people saying. honesty is the best way to go. I think yes tell your wife and if she loves youthe way you think she dose. She will stay. My husband did the same and we talked about it and we are good now. But you need to understand that she will yell and cry and alot of other emotions will come out. But you need to allow her to vent in her own way. And yes she is going to ask you Questions like was she good or how did you do this or did you do this with her and the big question will be Why? You need to be able to answere all of them. Be brave and honest. I have faith in you
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 25, 2006....

  Sadly, it may be that after a certain point, labyrinth stopped reading all of these out of fear for realizing that the right thing to do isn't the easy thing that he decided upon. Most of these words won't be heeded because he's chosen to block them out. Many times it's easier to ignore the truth. Labyrinth has been doing just that for years, so choosing not the share the affair is, unfortunately, par for the course. And he may never read the very things that can set him free from all this.
  
  But I honestly do hope that he proves me wrong.
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 26, 2006....

  lidstrom, i don't know what you're talking about, but he already said he made up his mind to keep his silence. a long time ago, in fact.
  
  ed
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 26, 2006....

  I'm well aware of that, my friend. My point was expressing hope that even though the decision was made, he is not beyond reconsidering, for his sake.
  

• silverwhisper said on Sep 26, 2006....

  ah! OK, now i understand. :>
  
  ed
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 27, 2006....

  Cool :) I didn't mean to sound like I missed the point, or beat a dead horse, but man I really care about what happens to labyrinth's marriage.
  

• gingersoul said on Sep 27, 2006....

  Quoting FD:
  "I don't condone the act of adultery but where there is genuine repentance of a past sin, I also don't hold account of it anymore after it is forgiven and recompensed for adequately and sincerely".
  
  And how is an adultery recompensed for?
  
  I would really like to know.
  
  Because my ex husband committed adultery (more than once)during our marriage. Even worst he fathered a child while still married. he divorced me and left me and my kid.
  
  And he said God told him this was the right thing to do. God had put that baby on his path to understand what he needed to do for his happiness.
  So, now is a born again and goes to church each sunday with his new wife and their baby.
  
  Are you telling me that his doing what he wanted and lusted ultimately is his way to recompensing for his adultery? because he married the mother of the baby? Because is happy now?
  I think something is really missing here....
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 27, 2006....

  Ginger, you are proof that when the rest of us comment on this, we can really see only labyrinth's side, and it's easier to justify someone when you only hear their side of the story.
  
  But you are the other side of the story, the wife who was cheated on. Your ex is wrong to make God responsible for his failures as your husband. Perhaps he finds fulfillment now, but he never should have entertained fulfillment outside of you in the first place.
  
  It's so relative and arbitrary to say that someone has "suffered enough" that their mistake isn't held against them. It seems the best way is to repent to God, end the affair, and tell your spouse out of respect and love for them. They have a RIGHT to know, because they've given you everything they have every day, and if you fall short of that yourself, they need to know. Marriage is not two people just living together - it's joining with another person. And sleeping with someone else - and keeping it secret - undermines and sabotages the bond with the spouse.
  
  We can't conclude that the adulterer will make the right decision every time, because many times the easy path is taken. ginger, your ex took the easy route by pinning his behavior on God - believe me, he will have to answer to God for that one. I think labyrinth will, too. That's why I hope that labyrinth's marriage will survive - after the truth is told.
  

• artsylady said on Sep 28, 2006....

  Absolutely not! It was 10 years ago... Leave it in the past... I think your ending the relationship and feeling sad and torn about it is part of your repention. Is it fair that we have to sign a contract saying that we are only able to love one person and only one person? We are human, born to make mistakes... I think the true sin would be to break your wives heart. I do think you need to end that friendship completely to make sure that skeleton never comes out of the closet. I speak from experience. I to have been with my husband since I was 22. We didn't marry until I was 26 but, never the less we lived together most of our relationship. It was marriage... Just not with a contract. I had an incident happen about 2.5 yrs into my marriage. I contacted a friend from the past and we had an affair it was brief but it was what it was... I left him in the middle of the night in a strange city because I knew, like you that it had to end and my husband needed my undivided attention. I owed that to him. Even to this day, my heart cries because i miss my old friend. I find myself wondering did I marry the right man...
  I think we are only human and the true sin is to break anothers spirit and that is what you will end up doing...
  

• labyrinth said on Sep 28, 2006....

  I am learning a lot from your comments here. I have stuck with my decision not to tell her, and I can see that it has generated positive results for our relationship.
  

• lidstrom82 said on Sep 29, 2006....

  artsylady - marriage IS that contract to love one person and only one person. Of course it's fair, and here's why: we are supposed to gain all sorts of security and safety from knowing another human being is committed to loving us as long as we live.
  
  Artsy, I agree with ending that current friendship is a good idea. But not to cover up the marriage.
  
  Adultery divides and keeps us wondering and guessing whether our spouse is the right one for us. Artsy, you said it yourself. Your heart is divided and one part of it favors your old friend. The legacy of adultery is not a content one for us in the end - it leads to secrets, uncertainty, and guilt. I say that because artsy and labyrinth have both expressed it, and I say that the truth is best in the long run - even if it hurts. The true sin is NOT in breaking a wife's heart - that's already been done. It's just that she's not aware of it. In other words - and remember this well - keeping a secret does not erase a sin.
  

• Spacelady said on Oct 06, 2006....

  I just got stuck on this topic, because I am in some way concerned with such subject since some time.
  
  What seems really strange to me is that your wife should not have any thoughts about a harmless friendship with a beautiful 8 years younger woman….
  
  I consent with who wrote she knows it anyways and has forgiven – probably just suppressed any of these thoughts. After all, as you said she did not miss or lose anything during your affair – except perhaps a bit safety, a bit trust, a bit self-respect…. But not you completely, as you came back, and hopefully made up for it –
  
  except that you still have contact and even friendship with the other woman. Now what does that mean?? You do not keep her up loosely in the background, just in case? And this could not be a strong reason for your increased guilty feeling after all this time?
  
  Well, whatever, if you want to keep and heal your marriage (and your conscience), you should really not tell your wife about it. She has probably chosen to keep what she has and contemplates with not giving your affair any thoughts – it would be too extremely cruel to force her into action now, confronting her with what she does not want to know for sure.
  
  Your actions now must heal what hidden hurts she might have, must prove her – without sudden betraying exaggerations of course - that you love and respect her, ONLY her, that she really is safe in the relationship, and the other woman is no where near her in your feelings still.
  
  It seems you have done quite well with that hard task during the past years. Watch out you don’t start thinking too much about your friend now (who is hopefully married and has no problems in her relationship she needs to discuss with you) – that could have fatal effects.
  
  Anways, when you deeply mean to do everything for your wife and your relationship, your wife will feel that, feel that the past can be finally forgotten and all will work out all right.
  
  Good luck
  
  ~Neila ~
  

• lidstrom82 said on Oct 06, 2006....

  Assuming the wife knows on some level is justifying the decision not to tell her. I'm sorry, but this whole secret-keeping and sounds too much like putting a Band Aid over a bullet hole.
  

• msteetee73 said on Feb 02, 2007....

  If it was that long ago, and you honestly believe your wife doesn't have a clue, and you both have gone on with your life happy, then I would say that you shouldn't tell her.  No need to break her heart after so much time has gone by.  Trust is something that once lost, is next to possible to regain.  No matter how much you love a person.  Betrayal leaves a vivid scar on the human psyche.  However, you should end the friendship with the other woman as well.  If you're looking to make it right, all the way right and spare your wife any heartache from your betrayal, cut it all off.  Make your wife your friend.  Make your wife, your everything.

  My two cents.

• labyrinth said on Feb 10, 2007....

  Thank you for your kind words msteetee73! 
  
  I have been absent from this on-line group for several months now but I intend to be back in the saddle again.

• silverwhisper said on Feb 10, 2007....

  labyrinth, it's been a very, very long time. i hope a future blog entry will answer the question i and i'm sure so many others want to pose: where've you been?
  
  ed

• electra01 said on Jul 21, 2007....

  I found this thread and registered here because I ended a cybersex affair today and there's nobody I can talk to about it.  My husband doesn't know, and I don't plan to tell him, it would only cause him needless pain...as I think it would to labyrinth's wife.  He is not computer-savvy, and would never have found the thousands of pornographic emails.  They are all deleted now.  About a month ago I told him I had a "flirtatious" relationship with the other man---he had read comments made by the other man on a website and was aware of a friendship.  He replied, "As long as you don't sleep with him I don't care."  Which gets into the question of whether of not cybersex is adultery.  I didn't think it was, and I don't think my husband thought it was-- but now I know it can be just as obsessive as real-world cheating.  

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