• LaraSings said on Mar 23, 2009....

  I have read all of your posts, Jason. I think you are a beautiful person and I truly believe in everything you say. I do not pity you, nor do I judge you. I will not try to stop you, nor will I help you do it. The only problem is that you wished for my happiness, which I'm afraid I can't give you. I am sad, but not because of what you're doing. I am sad because I love you and I will miss you. My life is a gift and I shall cherish it until the withering breeze whispers sleep in my aged ears. But today I am sad. I wonder why it is always butterflies that get lost in the abyss. I do not pity you, I pity myself for losing you. You may not think that I know you, but I do. You are my brother, not by blood, but by space. Did we hold hands once in a dream? Lara

• AtomicMinds said on Mar 23, 2009....

  Lara is well on her way. Infact, she may be closer than me. Unfortunately I haven't made it far since day one, but I can't say that I haven't made any progress.
   
  Lara, I should have used other words, it is not that I wish for your happiness, as much as I long for it. I do not doubt that you know me, so long as you know yourself, you will know me. So long as you can love yourself, you can love me, and everyone else. Be happy, it is not me that will be gone, it is the ego I have created, which will be gone. The me that you know you will miss, will still always be here.  I am no more lost than the person living, day in and day out. They know not what they seek. My search does have purpose and direction.
   
  Love and be happy, freely. Know that there is not a person or war, one, that can take those things away from you. As long as you are willing to hold on to them. These are the keys to life. Through those things you will find all you have ever searched for.
   
  ~Jason

• LaraSings said on Mar 24, 2009....

  Could you leave me a note the day before you are ready? It would be nice. I know you may believe in detachment before death but I'd just like to know that you're OK and happy.
  Lara

• anonymous said on Mar 27, 2009....

  It sounds as though there are many, many of us out there that are in final preparations ~
   
  Today is my daughter's 17th birthday.  She has opted to live with her dad.  She's been there for more than a year.  She said I wasn't a bad mom, she just wanted a chance to have a relationship with him and for a fresh start.  He's several states away from me, so she has effectively started all over.  I think her departure is when things really started to crumble for me. 

   

  It's not obvious to outsiders I don't think... I have a good job with a good company... I am quite involved in our local community.  I am generally an upbeat person.  I was once told that I was a lot like a morning radio host - always upbeat, with-it, connected to current events...

   

  Not anymore...  I have lost interest in all things that once mattered to me.  I was going to school part time - paid for by my company - no interest.  I was walking regularly as a fitness release and eating right... I lost more than 30 pounds.  I gained more than 15 pounds now in less than one year. 

   

  I am no longer interested in reading - I used to read every night.  Every genre - anything.  Not anymore. 

   

  I have lost contact with my friends - it's work and home.  And once home, there's really nothing.  No interests... no hobbies... no sports.  Nothing. 

   

  Today is the day, on my daughter's birthday, that I was going to commit suicide.  I have it planned, but I'm not yet prepared.  My husband and step sons are gone for the weekend.  Everything was lining up nicely. 

   

  Even if I was somehow not entirely successful, if left on my own - half dead, all weekend, I would surely be gone by Sunday when they got home. 

   

  I could do it now, I guess, but I want to leave things in order for my family.  Isn't that funny?  Telling, I suppose.  I want to bag up all of my things that should just be tossed.  I want to bag up all things that should go to charity.  I want to leave instructions for what I want my husband to do with my jewelry.  I don't want it to go to my daughter. 

   

  I want him to sell it for the best possible price.  (We're not talking a lot of high dollar stuff, here, but there are some nice pieces...)  I then want him to send the money to one of my sisters.  I then want her to coordinate a sort of "habitat for humanity" kind of day for my other sister.  I want them to buy all the necessary supplies, but all of my brothers-in-law to work together providing free labor on house projects for my sweet sister.  She is so great, deserves so much, and has so little.

   

  I need to document where things stand on a variety of my current community service projects so they don't falter. 

   

  I even want to mow the lawn so my family doesn't have to worry about that for a little while.

   

  I think my husband will struggle a bit.  He's very sweet and I think he truly loves me.  My step children?  No.  They will be fine.

   

  My daughter?  She will be fine.  We have lost touch.  It's so very sad. 

   

  My sisters?  There will be sadness and shock, but they will be fine. 

   

  My co-workers - fellow community service friends?  They will all be very shocked.  Sad?  Probably not - we weren't all that close. 

  I'm going to take a break.  I have never, ever blogged before.  This is it, huh?  How ironic. 

  Night.

• AtomicMinds said on Mar 28, 2009....

  So interesting.
   
  I want to start off by saying, I know why you want what you want.
   
  Have you ever heard the express, " I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I dont and can't."
   
  Honestly, that is a load.
   
  Everyone shares the same feeling, and I do mean feeling not feelings.
   
  In the world there are only two feelings that humans are capable of recepting.
   
  Love and Fear.
   
  All other feelings are just strands coupled from these two feelings. When you are feeling one, you are not feeling the other.
   
  I want you to know and everyone else alike. That when you attempt to take your life, you will fail. There are not many people, maybe only a hand full, that have actualy succeeded at suicide.
   
  What you think you want, is not what you realy want. When you attempt suicide you never obtain what you want, you just walk further away. from what you actualy do want.
   
  What is it we want?
   
  The real irony here is, we want to live. True suicide can not be commited physicaly, only egotisticaly.
   
  Our egos are not something we are suppose to have. The ego was created to keep you from living. To make you feel you are alive, but at the same time keep you from all the things in life that keep you from truely living.
   
  Every last person who has eliminated themselves physicaly has actualy failed at obtaining their true wishes.
   
  You have to ask yourself what is going to happen when once you leave this physical realm.
   
  Are you going to go to the firing pit of hell? Probably not.
   
  But you will find yourself in the same prediciment you are in now.
   
  And you may find yourself attempting to do what you are comtemplating now, again.
   
  Then you may find yourself, unknowingly, going in circles.
   
  There is more of what you seek. The answers are here, but you have to kill your ego, and this does not entel leaving the physical realm, you will fail.
   
  Spend time in nature. Leave all behind, that has left you. Let go of what your ego ensist on holding onto. Realize what you are made of, and realize what you make. Then and only then you will succeed.
   
  I love you. I love you more than you will ever know. It matters not what you have done or what you will do. My love is unconditional, and you need to know that. If you can come to this realization, then you must turn your love the same.
   
  One may ask, how can another love something they know not. I do know you, I am you. This is how I know what you feel. This is how we all share the same feelings. We all walk in the same footsteps, and not another walks a different path than I.
   
  What ever it is you long for, I can give you that. Just as I can give you what you long, you can also obtain these things yourself..
   
  Jason.
   
   

• Finaldaze said on Mar 28, 2009....

  AtomicMinds, I have no clue what you just said. What are you on, anyway?

• LaraSings said on Mar 28, 2009....

  Finaldaze, why comment on something that you don't understand? It is useless to yourself and others. This is not a judgement or attack on you. It is a fact based on the judgement that you do not wish to understand or empathise with these people. If this judgement is wrong, I most sincerely apologise. To the person that wrote anonymously, you are so tragically wrong. No matter the situation with your daughter, even if she previously hated you, this WILL mess her up. This is because the inner primary attachment made in the first two and a half years of a child's life cannot be broken, no matter how hard they try. If only you knew this. It's probably too late. You're probably already gone. R.I.P to another beautiful lost soul. Jason, I have concluded that you are right about the destructiveness of the ego (of the non-freudian interpretation) but there are people who remain living without it. Buddhist monks, Gurus, the red indians. I think you might like to read this poem http://members3.boardhost.com/Ask_Joanne/msg/1237960751.html for it is by the Oriah mountain dreamer, a wise red indian, who I think you may relate to. Keep posting your feelings. All my love, Lara

• Finaldaze said on Mar 28, 2009....

  As soon as I hit the send button I knew my comment was inappropriate. For that, I apologize.

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