i met a Man on January 9th 2008.
He stands 6ft tall, has eyes of the bluest steel, a soft whisper that melts my heart and the intellect, compassion and humour of a Man older than His years.
i became His, so very quickly, we entwined as O/one in our thoughts, our feelings, even thinking the same thing at exactly the same time, with the Atlantic Ocean separating us by nearly 3000 miles. Over the last 15 months, we have loved hard, played hard, cried hard and lost hard and now our journey together has come to an end.
Over recent months, with His actions, and a demeanour colder than ice, i thought He had stopped loving me some time ago. i have not worn His collar in nearly 9 months and yet nothing seemed to have stopped us needing to be together, and nothing ever will. Life, however, and the need to focus on the future with our separate lives, our separate families, our separate spouses, well that's just a new chapter in a book that is continuously writing itself.
Last night, was our last night together.
Words seemed to fail me as i saw His on the screen, blinking back the tears and asking the question i've needed to know for some time. He stopped and looked at me in disbelief, and then told me He never has and never will need it to end. He then went on to explain everything to me and i listened to His emotions battle against His common sense. He then asked for my forgiveness, to truly look inside myself and forgive Him for all the times He has caused me pain.
i have been preparing for this for some time. It may seem melodramatic, to have prepared to let Him go, but i have never loved another single soul quite so deeply. i am ready now. i thanked Him for loving me, for being the best friend any one could wish for and for showing me how beautiful, both inside and out, i really am. We reflected on many things... all the positives for us both and how much we have grown through knowing the love and respect of the other. We joked for a while, He tried not to cry and told me He knew that i was sitting there, with the same pain in my chest as He was feeling at that very moment as the tears fell from my face. We said our goodbyes one more time and then He asked me to leave as He could not be the one to go first.
He will be going home soon, back to the other side of the States to be with His wife and child. His studies are over and finally, at just past His 40th birthday, He can settle into the life He needs to focus on. His career really just beginning to take shape, His marriage on the mend and back to the little boy He adores. With the 8 hour time difference, the changes in both our lives and the fact He simply will not be able to connect with me hardly at all when He gets home... well, it is better this way, for us both. They always say "If you love someone then let them fly free", and now that's our final parting gift to each other.
As for me, my life is also experiencing the fixes. my marriage is taking a different turn into the utterly unexpected (which is another blog post in itself), my career is heading to where i have always wanted it to be and i look at the faces of my daughters and i realise what truly is in front of me.
i cried myself to sleep at 2.30am this morning after saying the final goodbye, woke up and emailed Him from a different email address so i can now close down the one that holds over 500 emails that we have shared during our time together. i read them one last time and smiled to myself.
i once sent Him a gift that He told me last night He desperately needs to keep and was struggling with a way to do so once He moved home. So, in a stroke of genius, He has cut it up and sewn a small piece into the inside of His wallet, which He carries with Him always, along with a piece of my heart.
There is nothing more to say, only now to carry on, remembering the lessons learned from a relationship that never happens to most, feeling lucky enough to have experienced what some people yearn for all their lives. The simple purity of love from another human being - and closure.
This girl is smiling, and is grateful with all the remaining pieces of her heart to the One that she will love 'til the end of days.
The words "I love you princess" from a subtle yet strong American accent will resonate within me for a long time to come.
'til soon Sir
kk
x
