Ppl never read my soulcast anymore... oh well.

 

Time for some self discovery right now... Psychopathic destinations aside, I need to revel in my own sense of sensibility.... or something like that.  Yay for using big words to make myself sound smarter and more creative... woot.

 

I'm terrified.  I am... I need to stop thinking about everything!!!  I need to relax... but I keep scaring myself.  Is this what I think it is... who knows.  But I do know this... I am stressing myself out unecessarily.  Look at it this way... life is good.  You've got a great guy in your life, some good friends, some not.  You've got a car, you've got plans for your future, somewhat... things are mildly set right now.  You've got a family that cares and that will help u out if needed... your guy is actually there and is not a failure like everybody was trying to tell you.  So, HA!  All of you doubters and rumor spreaders - screw you with a backwards bench... he is more than you would ever dream of.  At least, to me.

 

One person's trash is another's treasure, and I think we've gotten there so far.  You may doubt and spread rumors, but here we are and life isn't half bad. 

 

I just have to stop tearing myself apart inside.  This internal battle that I fight is wearing me out... I need to relax.  But until I reach that decision... until I reach that moment when my internal quarrel is qualmed, I shall have some sort of peace and undeniable happiness.  Yes, I hope it will come, but I hold no grudges if it doesn't - I've learned too well to expect the unexpected... nothing is as it seems, and things almost never go as planned.  Nothing, or nobody is perfect, even if it seems like it.  So... I take life with a grain of salt, and keep walking down my path... making sure that this is the right path for me.  So far, it is... things are working alright... and I've got good things on the way... as long as everything goes as planned - which it probably won't, but hey, nothing ever does.  I'm not being pessimistic here, I'm just saying - I know how life works most of the time, so I'm not taking any chances- I'm not being stupid or nostalgic or too optimistic - I'm being REAL.  As far as my reality goes, that is.

 

So yeah - I know what I want - my life as it stands right now is exactly what I want.  I am exactly where I need to be.  I know it, because in my head - I cannot picture a pathway for my fate to take me... there is no more destination, because I am already there.  Usually, I look into my head and see that there is a path I am following, that there is a destination that i am facing... but now there isn't.  I no longer have to ask myself if this is all worth it, if I would go back in time to change that one fucking moment where I threw myself away... and to be honest?  I still think I would... but now, I'm so much a new person that I don't think i could.  I'm too far gone, I'm too far ahead that I cannot go back now... there's too much at stake for me to throw this new person away.  I have reached my fated destination, and here I go... all I see ahead of me is what is ahead of me... my LIFE.  As I see fit - i see MY life.  Not the life that fate has planned out for me, no... I see mine. 

 

There it is... clairvoyance aside... I feel almost whole.  Pain and all... I feel almost complete.  I can be myself... I am becoming myself more and more everyday... but that is a neverending process... for we all constantly change.  Even when we become ourselves... we keep on changing.... things always do, and they always will - even when you don't want them to. 

 

To changes and mistakes glady made.

 

Ransom