So. Today's session and other events- read about in my pets journal- have made me realise it's time for an examination of myself as a dom, particularly the question of why I do what I do. Originally, I didn't think this was the question that needed asking, but now I'm sure it is. I was busyily gravitating toward the idea of what makes me what I am, but came to the conclusion that what I am is just a function of what I do. I'm not sure if I've got this backwards, but it may be the case.

In any case, today's question is not of what, but of why. What is a why? The essence of why is to ask 'what is the cause? stripped back to the fundamentals of cause and effect, what has caused this condition/event/entity to come into being?' but it also adds the issue of wherefore, not just how, but to what purpose does it exist. I don't promise to answer that here, but I do promise to at least look at it.

So, to take the first question first, what is the cause? What makes me want to be a dom, what drives me to that control?

There isn't a single answer, so those of you looking for simplicity may be disappointed here.

At the first and most basic level, is that it's what gets me off. At a physical level, and at a somewhat more sophisticated aesthetic level, it's what makes my heart pound, my brain hum, my arse twitch agreeably and my jizz fly across the room. And this element can't be ignored, of course, the libidinous aspect being the foundation of the drive, the motor that pushes me further.

But that doesn't explain the rest of it. If it was purely done for a sexual high, then it stands to reason I wouldn't care who I dommed, or what was left of them after, or what relationship existed between us when the dust had settled. Yet I do, and the satisfaction I feel after a well-executed scene far and away transcends the merely sexual. I love what I do as a dom in the bedroom (or living room, or wherever we're sceneing today) but I need it to go on beyond that, and stretch into our day-to-day life. Why?

After examination, I think I've ruled out the obvious answer that it's a pure and simple ego trip. I don't need someone else, I'm quite egomaniacal enough without the validation provided by an adoring submissive, though it IS very nice. I don't think I've got a pathological or all-consuming drive to control in situations outside of the paradigm of D/s, either. It doesn't bother me that the likely course of the future will never see me be my own boss, for example, and I don't need to control my friend's actions or behaviours.

Whence the satisfaction, then? The only thing I can conclude is that it comes from this feeling of helping another to grow, and to find themself. Today, I finally, with patience, empathy, and the trust that we've built up since we've met, managed to push back my pet's inhibitions a little bit further, and bring her that little bit closer to claiming her true self, sexually speaking. That was a moment of the most intense satisfaction for me, moreso than the physical orgasm that came alongside it, moreso than seeing her kneeling, collared and eager to serve, more intense than just about any feeling I've shared with her.

This is it, I guess, this didactism is the drive to discipline and domination. That's why I do the things I do, that's the moment I live for and strive for.

Why that should be is another question, and one probably best left for another night.