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Big Big Big Mistake...

starchini posted on Mar 03, 2009 | views: 69 | Tags: mistake, Melissa, married, life
I cant believe it.  Im in total shock right now.  I dont know what to think.  Im afraid I reacted to the news negatively, I hope Melissa didnt sense it.  My congratulations was very fake, and not sincere.  I wanted to yell at her, I wanted to ask what the hell she is thinking, I wanted to shake her by the shoulders and tell her she is making the biggest mistake of her life, I wanted to call her stupid and immature.
 
But shes the best friend ive ever had.  Shes the maid of honor in my wedding.  I love her to pieces and I dont want her to get hurt.  My anger and amazement at what she has done comes from pure love for her. 
 
I blog about Melissa from time to time but in case you dont know.  Shes my best friend, ive known her since beauty school.  We have been inseperable.  Weve cheered eachother on through good times and carried eachother through bad times.  We know eachother better than anyone in the world knows us. 
 
She helped me escape my abusive relationship with David.  She stood in front of David and took a punch that was intended to hit my face on May 4th, 2007 my birthday.  The day that David's abusiveness toward me was made public due to his own stupidity.
 
I remember it like it was yesterday.  Melissa thru a surprise 20th birthday party for me.  I was living with David, my boyfriend of almost 4 years.  Hed been abusive to me from the get go.  He was my first real boyfriend.  As time passed id pretty much been brain washed that I had asked for it, and deserved it.  On top of that, he was always "real sorry" after putting me in a choke hold until i passed out or throwing me down a flight of stairs.  I always believe he was sorry and that he wouldnt do it again.  I just kept thinking "if i can just keep him happy, he wont do these things".  I began walking on eggshells, wanting nothing more than to please the man that kept beating me.  It became a challenge, to see how long I could go without getting hit.  The longer it was the more proud I was. 
 
Melissa didnt have a clue what was happening, at the time we werent all that close.  I came home from work to find my house filled with friends and beer and cake and it was all cuz of melissa.  Id never had a friend go through all that trouble for me. 
 
As the night progressed David got drunker and drunker.  I believe it all started when I accidentally ashed my cigarette on the hardwood floor.  David started yelling and screaming at me bc hed spent all day scrubbing for my birthday.  He was yelling at me in front of all of my friends for accidentally ashing on the floor.  He embarrissed me.  I told him I was sorry and to please calm down, ill wipe it up right now.  Me apologizeing infuriated him even more.  He picked up a great big glass ash tray and flung it at me from across the room, knocking me on my ass, i immediatly had a big goose egg and blood trickling down my forehead. 
 
Thats pretty much the last real detail I remember, its amazing what denial can do.  From that point on it was a bit of a blur.  I remember everyone yelling and screaming, some people were leaving the party.  I remember being pulled to the ground by my hair when i tried walking out of the house.  I fought back and on another attempt to leave i remember him kicking my lower back and shoving me down the concrete stairs.  Then when I was finally outside and melissa was by me, car running, she was going to take me away from their.  Tears were streaming down my face and Melissa was yelling at him.  I was crying because I thought David was gonna hurt her too, I was begging Melissa to stop yelling at him.  Thats when David swung at me and Melissa stepped in the way and took the punch. 
 
I stayed with her that week. 
 
David and I were finally over.  It was all thanks to Melissa. 
 
That was how the best friendship ill ever know began...
 
Melissa has been dating this guy off and on for 4 years.  Melissa has hinted about minor abusive activity.  Things that send red flags up bc of my experience.  Melissa assures me ive got it all wrong.  What can I do?  I havnt seen him do it, she wont admit it.  All I can do is tell her that if she ever needs anything in the world, im here for her.  She knows that. 

Both of them are total hotheads.  Jason and Melissa break up everyother week, Melissa comes to my house in tears constantly because Jason is an asshole...
 
I dont want to make it seem like its all Jasons fault, he is a bit of a inconsiderate asshole.  But Melissa is one tough woman to please.  Both of them are simply complete opposites.  Melissa wants to be worshipped and treated like a queen.  Jason wants an equal and refuses to put her on a pedestal...
 
This post will go on for days and days if i explain all the craziness about those two and why they should not be together. 
 
They fight over everything,  i havnt seen more than one week go by where those two didnt try to kill eachother atleast one time...
 
Please just take my word for it, they are a horrible couple, worst couple Ive ever seen in my life.  To a passing stranger it would appear as thought they hated eachother.  Not loved eachother. 
 
Key point that really drives it all home.  They seriously break up and leave each other atleast once a week...
 
Well Melissa called me at work today...guess who is engaged?!  Yup...Melissa and Jason got engaged today and they will be married Sept 12th of this year...
 
I could cry...for her...this is just a huge mistake.
 
On the phone i had a hard time taking her seriously.  I managed to get out a congratulations after being sure she wasnt joking.  It went something like "haha, omg your kidding right?  No way, your fucking with me!  You did not...wha?  You mean...oh my God...your really engaged to jason?  Wow...oh wow....umm...CONGRATULATIONS!!!".....
 
I dont get it...I know Melissa, and I know she knows that this is stupid...
 
Youve heard of people who have babies to avoid breaking up...its like that.  Melissa is marrying Jason bc, well, if they dont, they will break up...breaking up is smarter for those two...
 
I dont think it will even happen.  I give it a week, maybe more before Melissa freaks out and throws the ring in the toilet and comes crying to me about what a jerk Jason is. 
 
But what im more afraid of is if it does happen...I know Melissa isnt happy with him...She knows that too...
 
I just needed to pour my heart out on this.  Theres nothing I can do about it.  Im certainly not going to tell melissa shes making a mistake, that would be horrible.  I just hope and pray that she can read my mind and figures this out on her own...
 
Ive been thinking hard about this.  There is only one thing I can think of that would make melissa do something so stupid.  I think she feels left out.  She has a clique of friends.  Wendy, Me and Erica.  All three of us are getting married and two of us are having babies...I think Melissa just didnt want to feel left out...Honestly, i think thats why...
 
*on a side note,  Sept 12th is the wedding date she chose!   How rude!  Mine is August 29th, im trying to get my wedding together, she is my maid of honor, how the fuck is she gonna help me plan my wedding and plan her own?  As if im not stressed out enough!*
 
I cant believe this...this is just such horrible news...Im trying really hard to be happy for her.  I just do not see this ending well...not at all...How can two people who hate eachother 70% of the time possibly think its a good idea to get married?  How can a girl that cries to me on the phone about how much she hates jason atleast 3 times a week, think its a good idea to marry this guy...
 
I cant wrap my head around this...it makes no fucking sense!!! 
 
Im happy for her bc I know at this very moment shes happy...
Im sad because I know in the pit of my stomache this is a bad decision...
Im confused because, well, she hates Jason most of the time...
Im angry bc now its gonna be all about her wedding and she is gonna ignore her maid of honor duties and screw me over...
Im even more confused about the short engagement, shes not pregnant, why so fast? 
I think maybe she wants to get married so quickly bc she knows theyll break up sooner if they dont get married...
OH GOD MELISSA WHY!?


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Comments

  • wombat said on Mar 03, 2009....
    I could write a book on this.  First, I'm sorry to read what you went through, but glad you are out of that now.  Melissa does sound like a good friend and has been throughout.  Why she is choosing a relationship like this is the same reason many of us do---even though deep down we know it's not the thing to be doing.  My guess is that she will do what she thinks is right for her and no one will be able to change her mind.  You can be a good friend and try, gently!  My other guess is that by that date, the plans will have changed drastically for one reason or another. 
     
    I have been there, done that, girl.  More than once, actually.  No one could tell me a thing that changed my mind until things got so bad I had to get out.
     
    I do hope you will be able to open her eyes somehow, though, without endangering your friendship.  Because, most of the time, finding out on your own comes too late.  And abuse does not get better--it only gets worse.   (Without help and counseling for both)
     
    I wish them the best of luck.
  • uniquely-ironic said on Mar 03, 2009....
    Having physically moved my sis out of her abuser's home I know that you just want to protect her from herself.  In the end my sis married her abuser and had a child with him before sobering up to the fact that life wasn't going to get better.  I became the bad guy because I was "interferring". 
     
    All you can do is be her friend.  Any more and you're the interloper, any less and you're abandoning her.  Don't sweat the wedding details.  If she is as flighty as she appears to be the wedding may not come to pass.
  • starchini said on Mar 03, 2009....

    Wombie, I would love to tell melissa how i really feel.  I would love to try to gently tell her what i think...I know that wouldnt be smart though.  She is such a hothead!  I did that one time, she was acting crazy and I called her on it.  She was being rude in response to me, I retaliated, the fight escalated and a simple "please melissa, please calm down", almost ended our friendship she got so mad.  I refuse to be a doormat and thats what Melissa wants, a bunch of doormats. 

    So I vowed at that point to not ever be critical of Melissa.  I dont tell her anything or judge anything she does.  Its easier for me to just turn the other cheek than to open the door for a falling out.  So when i feel like she is making a bad decision or mistake, i dont try to correct her, im not her mother, i just support her and trust that she will figure it out, and when she does i will be right there wating with bells on to help her out in any way that i can. 

    So, even though i know she i making a huge mistake, me telling her that, wont do anything, melissa is such a stubborn hothead, itll just cause friction, and i dont want to jeopardize being her Maid of Honor bc she is pissy...So instead i will smile and force myself to be happy for her.  And just pray she figures it all out sooner than later...Melissa and I understand eachother, and she obviously has her extreme personality flaws, but i love her for who she is, shes a loving emotionally driven awesome friend and I couldnt imagine my life with out her.  So long as I let her make mistakes, our relationship is flawless...Ive got her back, if i ever need to step in.  When she calls for Super Starchini, I throw on my super woman cape and swoop in to save her...

    Oh man wombie, i surely know what you mean about abuse only getting worse...Melissa and Jason both abuse eachother, and honestly I truly believe Jason's only absue was in self defense.  Ive witnessed melissa taking a flying leap out of a pickup truck and punching Jason across the face knocking him to the ground bc he didnt want her to drive drunk.  Jason puts up with a lot of crap and the only thing ive seen him do is restrain melissa from beating him to a bloody pulp.  Melissa once confided in me that Jason picked her up and threw her across the room, i was ready to go and kill him, Melissa stopped me and confessed that it was only because she tried stabbing him with a steak knife...They both are fucking Crazy!!! 

    Uni, I once interferred with Melissa and Jasons relationship too.  Jason was yelling and screaming at her when i got there, i didnt know what it was about but he didnt need to be yelling at her like that.  I got in his face and yelled back and an hour later when they patched everything back up i somehow became the nosy one that doesnt want them to be happy...

     

     

  • wombat said on Mar 03, 2009....

    Oh...I went off in one direction and didn't read well enough, maybe.  This puts a new spin on things.  I see now that it goes both ways, and I had forgotten that.  Still, what I said I stick by, and I see that you agree---it just escalates without sincere help maybe from a professional--no matter who is responsible for the majority of the abuse.

    Hope I didn't say anything wrong, and I know where you are coming from about being afraid to cause a rift between you two.  It's just scary, that's all.  You know what I mean there, so I will be quiet now, and just hope for the best.

  • starchini said on Mar 04, 2009....

    lol, my goodness wombie, there is no need to shut up.  I must have some kind of stamp on my forehead warning people to tread lightly "any moment contents will explode".  You said nothing wrong.   I just wanted to tell ya the sort of crap ive seen those two "love birds" do to eachother.  They really have no business getting married. 

    I think melissa believes getting married will solve their dysfunctional problems.  One of her bigget complaints about jason is that "he just doesnt care about me or put any effort into our relationship" I think her twisted little head has reasoned that getting married will force jason to be involved in their relationship and make him give a shit, bc if he doesnt, hes got to be with her for the rest of her life and wouldnt want to be stuck with an unhappy woman or risk divorce...I think thats a compltly backwards train of thought. 

    The reality is that in most marriages both parties get an overwhelming sense of relaxation knowing that this person is bound to them for the rest of their life so they let themselves go.  "Fuck it, your mine forever now, i can do and look how i want, bc you love me no matter what"...thats statistically true, majority of newlyweds gain 25+ pounds the first year of marriage, its bc they dont feel like they have to impress eachother anymore...

    So with my weebit of knowledge, i predict Jason will be worse than ever when it comes to his lack of motivation to make melissa happy.  If he doesnt give a shit now, he will give even less of a shit when they are married...and melissa things the opposite will happen...so sad...

  • Hegemone said on Mar 05, 2009....
    Huh, well I'm late to the game, but never the less, that certainly sounds disturbing Star.  I can only hope that your friend will realize her possible error, maybe share with you her reasoning for hurrying so you may be able to help her and that if all else fails things are not as bad as indicated.  I can tell you obviously care a lot about her, especially after what she did for you.  I'll keep you guys in my thoughts.  (((((HUG)))))
  • starchini said on Mar 05, 2009....
    Thank hege, your never too late : ) I too hope that im exagerating and its not as bad as I think it is.  I hope she wouldnt do something so stupid.  This weekend we are going wedding dress shopping for her, she hasnt even settled on a bridesmaids dress yet.  So her wedding is already interfering with mine.  Shes my flipping maid of honor and shes the only one that doesnt have a bridesmaids dress yet!  Grrrr...anyways...im putting my wedding planning that she is supose to help me with on hold now to help with hers.  So frustrating.  I dont think ill have the balls to tell her how big a mistake she is making, she seems so happy.  She will just think im nuts.  Its always melissa's way of no way at all.  If she wants to marry him she will, nothing i can do about it.  They just have such a horrible dysfunctional relationship, i cant possibly imagine this turning out well.  I hope it does, but its still just amazes me, i just dont understand.  Days before the engagement they were at eachothers throats and broken up...its crazy! 

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