• uniquely-ironic said on Mar 03, 2009....

  Oh Paper, what is going on?!!  Just remember that 23 years from now today will be in your past.  Hang in there.

• BreatheUnderwater said on Mar 03, 2009....

  you are the best ate...don't you forget that ever..

  hg

• Hegemone said on Mar 03, 2009....

  Paper, I don't know what's going on, but now I am concerned.  I read so many things out of this. 
  I was a worthless person. . .
  I was a despicable mother . . .
  I was a coward friend . . .
  
  You are speaking in the past tense, as if you WERE those things but are not now.  That is certainly good, if that was the intent and your feelings. 
  
  Yet the rest of the post speaks of so much pain.  I don't know what has happened, but I truly hope that you are OK.  Yet I also saw the end of the post in which you mention it being a step towards tomorrow, and something you'll soon just be looking back at as a memory.... that's positively thinking as well.  I'm glad to see that even though you are upset, in pain, struggling ... you are still keeping the glass half full.  Again, I hope you are well and that things are calm now.
  
  (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))
  

• Lucytorial said on Mar 03, 2009....

  One step at a time paper girl... thats all you need to focus one one step.  Hang in there and hang on.

• fragglesrock said on Mar 03, 2009....

  is it a blimp? is it a whale? no! it's WONDERTITS to the rescue.............

  ***wondertits flying into scene and smacks into the side of a building***

  geez can i get a little hero music to go with my grand entrance please?

  "what ever could be wrong with my sidekick? i will tune into my high-powered paper-sensor radio that works from around the world"

  ***wondertits cranking on the titty powered radio*** ***CRANK, CRANK, CRANK***  "anyone got any bag balm for these tired old nipples?"

  "the ole gray mare she ain't' what she used to be, ain't what she used to be"

  "what? oh yes, right, i am aiming my mammory rays and honing in right.......now"

  "my glandular senses are telling me that papergirl is in trouble!"

  "this? is calls for SERIOUS action...good thing i wore the good bra today! hmmm...i'm thinking my semi-fartamatic weapon might be in order..glad i had those beans for lunch, i'm fully loaded and ready to fight the good fight....."

  STAY TUNED FOR THE EXCITING RESCUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
  

• MissMimi said on Mar 03, 2009....

  Hang on, paperdoll...  take my hand and hold on.  I'll grab on to uni, LucyT, Hege, Breathe, and fraggie, and we'll all keep you from falling.
   
  Just please hang on.  {{{{{{{{{paperdoll}}}}}}}}}}

• Lucytorial said on Mar 03, 2009....

  @ Frags...
   
  BWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAA
   
  Spitting coffee on computer, hacking, falling off chair
   
  wonder tits? BWAAAAAAAAA HJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*#KJD^#($(fj378234859498213&#&#8  (Snarfaleptic fit ensues)

• fragglesrock said on Mar 03, 2009....

  ***hanging on to mimi with one hand while dangling a padded, underwire, push-up bra for lucy to grab hold of***

• Lucytorial said on Mar 03, 2009....

  its okay I have my own jet propulsion
   
  FFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
   
  **lucy farts green gas, rocketing into the sky**
   
   
  "Hey look guys, I made it to the top of the building... err what do I do now???"

• fragglesrock said on Mar 03, 2009....

  ***wondertits waving up at this new superhero**

• FaceUnknown. said on Mar 03, 2009....

  <33333333333333333333333333333333

   

• Lucytorial said on Mar 03, 2009....

  "Okay wonder tits, how do we save the damnsel?"
   
  **Lucy ffffrrrrppps to the next building top** just for fun...
   
   
   

• pickersplock said on Mar 03, 2009....

  The thing is, you're infinitely more interesting than one of those happy perky cheerleader types.....so, anyway, I'm just saying!

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 03, 2009....

  
  
  [damsel paper parachutes down shamefaced from her tower of self-disgust and melancholy]
  
  Thank you Superfriends for coming to my rescue . . . I will try to update . . .I am hanging on . . . I only needed to release the tension in my brain before I literally combust from the pressure ...
  
  Thanks Super uni for the speed of light comment that gave me a super boost of energy as I stepped out from the sweet warm comforts of  my lair to the outside world to get bare necessesities...
  
  Thank you Breathe for voice of trust and belief that reverberated sweetly and melodiously in my numbed brain
  
  Thank you Heggies for the sharp and loving scrutiny of your soulsistahood eyes for the message I left, I felt understood acknowledged and protected by the warm fuzzies of your hugs
  
  Merci beaucoups to Wondertits & Lucyfart always to the rescue of your loyal sidekick  and no. 1 fan. . . indeed the laughter in my belly carried me down safely to reality . . .
  
  And Grazie Miss Pickery... I still wear the wonderful Wednesday tiara that miraculously holds the infernally loose screws on my dainty head . . .
  
  papergirl ~
  
  [picks up the rubbles of her pride]
  
  
  
  

• mobil said on Mar 03, 2009....

  You've been here before Paper, you will get through this...................God Bless

• CreativeWoman said on Mar 03, 2009....

  Be strong, paper.  Your future is a happy one.  :-)
  
  All my best.
  
  CW
  

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 03, 2009....

  
  Thank you so much dear mobil, I have not forgotten your offer a year ago of being welcome to consult with questions regarding theraphy and medication.
  
  I have mentioned it to a friend, that I am only waiting for us to move in the Netherlands, for me to see a psychiatrist anew.
  
  I must admit I am wary of seeing another therapist.  I will only do this because of my responsibility towards my daughters.
  
  If I don´t have my parental responsibilities, I would rather try with a consistent maintenance of healthier lifestyle :
  
  • proper sleep routine
    
  • healthy balance nutrition
    
  • lots of outdoor exercise/walks
  • moderate living (no unnecessary stress of too much activities)
  • lots of therapeutic writing
    
  . . . I could not really do the things mentioned above consistently because of the instability the transition period of the separation threw us in . . .
  
  I hope slowly we could all resume normal life.
  
  
  Thank you, Cdub <3
  
  As mobil said, I have been here before, with this knowledge and with a great support of friends, family and love ones offline, and online, I am managing to hold on.
  
  But I would be lying if I tell you, all is well.  I falter still, even with a gentle, strong, extremely supportive man at my side. I still succumb to the thought of an easy way out despite three beautiful daughter.
  
  I am still me with all my weaknesses and strengths.  The difference is a year ago, to this day I made a conscious decision to live.
  
  Because of love ones, people who believe in me and cares for me, I set aside pride to cry for help and I set aside vanity to hide my shame behind.
  
  I hope in time I can write all that I feel were terrible things I have done and percieve as terrible because of this mental ailment.  Perhaps then I will have utlimate peace.
  
  This is my simple step towards that goal.
  
  Sincerely,
  
  paper ~
  
  
  

• wishyouwerehere said on Mar 03, 2009....

  Paper - I see pain in your post, but I also see a tremendous amount of courage and strength.  We can't claim bravery unless and until we face our fears.  You are a brave woman.  You can do this.  Take good, gentle care of yourself.

  Hugs - Wishy

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 03, 2009....

  
  Thank you so much Wishy <3
  
  It may sound insane, but in tagging this suicide it takes away the thought from my brain lending relief for my weary mind.
  
  I am a very visual person.  I love words and it has enormous impact on me.
  
  I seek not attention only emotional relief.
  
  The thoughts that swim in my head, I know are irrational.  Giving them symbols as in this case words that are I am very much aware taboo gives me power over them.
  
  I am only very sorry that I cannot warn anybody beforehand because I don´t plan the words that come out. 
  
  When I write, I take control of the chaos in my mind and in my heart.  I try to order them neatly.  I strive to find the exact word for each emotion like catching insolent children scurrying away towards danger.  I would put the children in safety, and I could walk away to catch my breath while I know they are all seated with something to keep them busy.  Does this make sense?
  
  (((huggies)))
  
  Thank you for your words, Wishy...always feeds my soul.
  
  <3
  
  papergirl ~
  
  
  

• superbozo said on Mar 03, 2009....

  Hang in there paper. I can only hope that the darkness is getting lighter. Take care.

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 03, 2009....

  
  Thank you very much for taking time to extend kind words of kindness and friendship, superbozo.
  
  It is such a relief to just write it out.  The minute I posted this blog, I was able to go through the door, I was out in the fresh air and took a much needed walk.  It took me almost the whole day to be able to do that.  I wish, I posted it sooner.  But such are the simple struggles one has to go through to conquer fears and hopefully be liberated soon from them in this lifetime.
  
  Again, my deep appreciation.  Thank you.
  
  paper ~
  
  
  

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 03, 2009....

  
  [hits her fuzzy head with the reserve steel bra of Wondertits, and inhale the green fumes of Lucyfart´s rocket steam to prevent further stupid oversightedness]
  
  *kisses the feet of WonderMims*
  
  . . . my subconscious was shouting at me dearest heart!  I can never go to bed without thanking you! With your warm hand in mine I might go through the dark but I will never feel alone..Thank you!
  
  *****************Face********************
  
  I am getting old you see!  Old & with bad eyes from being insomiac!
  
  <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
  
  Don´t take my example, sleep more when you can!
  
  Ik hou van je, snoetje
  
  ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((tightest huggies)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
  
  <3
  
  jo-jo
  
  
  
  

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 03, 2009....

  
  a bit of German lessons...
  
  *lol*
  
  btw...in German: fahrt (when pronounced is almost like the English fart) , means ride...so Juicy, when I call you Lucyfart...it is actually me thinking Lucyfahrt..Lucy´s ride...
  
  this cracked me up while reading Juicy and fraggy...lol because I was thinking of Spiderman´s arch-enemy the green goblin (i had juicy in my mind as a sexxxxy green goblin/poison ivy kinda heroine on this flying surfboard thingy)... while reading your exchange....
  
  *muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah luv*
  
  can´t stop brain-dead-blah-blahing
  
  paper ~
  
  
  
  Goodnight Guys............AND again, thank you for always coming to the rescue, dearest friends!
  
  
  

• diabolicdame said on Mar 04, 2009....

  Hey papery!! rough day? You are sooo not those all those bad things.. you are a wonderful person, a loving mother and a very caring friend! You are strong and courageous and funny and sweet! I see that even in this painful poem, the last line says that this day is a step tpwards tomorrow.. that ability to see hope is your strength! Hang on paperrrr.. the ride gets better.   :-)

• LonelyWanderer said on Mar 04, 2009....

  hey, it's not the "easy" way out. You've just got to keep going, you have so many friends, your girls, your man - they all think you are wonderful. Embrace the pain you are feeling but do not succumb to it. {{big hug!!}} hang on in there papery!

• GrapeKoolaid said on Mar 04, 2009....

  Gah!!!  [grumble grumble]
  
  I'm frustrated at the fact of not being able to help you...  >:(
  
  If only I could be around here more often...  Then I would have caught this post sooner... 
  
  Sorry for the late entrance pepperoni.  I'm afraid our interaction at a distance has to be a little bit further than usual for now.  I intend to remedy that soon though.  PM me if you wish.  It may take me a little over a half a day to get to you, but I shan't tarry for long. 
  

• sadhappy said on Mar 04, 2009....

  Hi paper, I really hope u feel better;-) I love all the support from ur "superheros" that is sooooo cool! HUGS

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 04, 2009....

  
  
  Thank you, dia <3
  
  I am feeling much better now than yesterday.  I felt I was like in the pits - background/update finally here, after days of being muted about it.
  
  The great thing about regularly blogging, and generally having a background of keeping a diary for a long time, I observe patterns in the emotional chaos I go through. 
  
  It is one of the many things that makes me sane, I guess.  Having a tangible evidence that it does get better.
  
  Thank you for your wonderful words, dear friend.
  
  
  Thank you , dear LW <3!
  
  . . .  yes, I am hanging on, and I appreciate it that you are cheering on for me.
  
  Making a conscious commitment to blog in SC for a year is one of my many coping mechanism.  I have realised a long time ago, that I cannot overcome and cope with depression alone.
  
  In times of great need, I know I can turn to my family & friends offline and online.  I am truly grateful to SC though because one thing about depression as many who have gone through it, knows it is so very hard to ask for help not only out of pride but shame.  Being able to cry for help without feeling I am burdening one single person is a great relief.  I hope that makes sense and does not sound self-centered.
  
  I have three wonderful children, and a wonderful partner on my side...I don´t want want them to suffer because I can´t reach out for help even if sometimes it is like shooting in the dark.
  
  Thank you again <3! (((((((((((((huggies)))))))))))))
  
  
  Thank you Grapey - soulbrotah!
  
  No need to be frustrated, that will make the two of us!  I know you are near, and I will not hesitate to ask for help. 
  
  I just feel this was a blah that I am tired of going into one on one interaction because I am unable to let it go through my head - so tired of myself.   And I know, I won´t be tiresome to friends but I still feel I will be a burden, this stresses me out  (it is like a pitiful carousel of emotion)...and in blogging... I feel people have a choice to stop by or not...lol ...I still can´t articulate it ...you could see from my comments above how I am struggling to express this thought.
  
  I am looking forward to another lazy afternoon/early evening chat with you bro...all will be well eventually. . . just taking it one day at a time.
  
  *muaaaaah*
  
  Thank you sadhappy <3!  Welcome to my blog :) . . . superhero friends, are great, aren´t they?!  They make sure you don´t stay long in the black pit of misery or tower of self-disgust.
  
  If you like, you could read on the beginning of Wondertits legend here...
  
   *bows to the awesomeness of fraggles*
  
  I am glad to read your last posted blog, it seems you are on your way to finding your peace, balance and happiness to.  Reading about others triumphing gladdens my heart and gives me such positive thoughts and energy.
  
  I hope you´ll be updating us soon with a new blog, dearest sadhappy. :)
  
  Sending you lots of blubbies,
  
  <3
  
  paper ~
  
  
  
  
  
  

• pusscat said on Mar 04, 2009....

  *pusscat makes very sheepish entrance as she waits for Wondertits and Lucyfarts to chastise her for being so late* that's if she'd even them hear them above her own hysterical laughter - you guys rock!
  
  Soooooooooo sorry I missed this PAPER-KINS!  You now have the right to slap the back of my legs (Ooooh remember how that used to sting?)
  
  I'm so glad you're feeling better than yesterday.  Lordy - what would we do without this place eh?!  In fact I dread to even think about it. 
  
  Big species hugz coming to you
  
  ([{([{([{([{([{([{([{([{([{([{([{([{([{ Jo }])}])}])}])}])}])}])}])}])}])}])}])

• LonelyWanderer said on Mar 04, 2009....

  don't worry..sending positive energy your way!! {{bighug}}

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Mar 04, 2009....

  
  
  You are absolutely just in time, dearest PC <3! I desperately need a pat for a good day accomplished :)
  
  ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((huggies))))))))))))))))))))))))
  
  
  Thanks LW! I could use all the positive thoughts I can get! *BIG TOOTHY SMILE for us being on at the same time*
  
  ((((((((((((((((((huggies))))))))))))))))))
  
  
  Sending you lovely ladies bucketloads of blubbies!
  
  papergirl ~
  
  
  

• pickersplock said on Mar 04, 2009....

  :)  Better a loose screw than a peppy pom pom, I always say!

• sadhappy said on Mar 04, 2009....

  Hi Paper! OMG i checked that link and just as I expected it was funny as heck! That Fraggles sure knows how to put a smile on anybody's face:-) and that pic you posted on her blog.....fantastico! lol
   
  (shout out to Fraggs! lol).
   
  There have been a few ups and downs since my last blog that I've been wanting to post about but haven't really had the time....not to worry I'll be updating you soon on my boring life:-)
   
  I don't know how many ppl on SC do this but when I post it is usually from my blackberry and a lot of the features on a comp are not avail on the blackberry so I sometimes get frustrated and just end up leaving it alone.....I do have a comp at home BUT I am the type that will stay up ALL NIGHT once I find something that is interesting and I honestly don't have it in me to stay up late and then have to drag my ass into work at 7am....I guess I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't?
   
  I am very glad that you are feeling better:-)
   
  Stay cool.......SH
   
   
   
   

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