I would sound like a winded blog if I write that I have not been sleeping well. But that is how it is. I have been trying to make an effort to make a system of order...
I am trying an experiment with myself with this blog - no backspacing, only for typos but I would like to have my mind flow out freely.
[[[Enter]]]]
Have you ever done that in SC when you draft a comment and say what you really mean and hold a couple of seconds before you hit the enter key? And suddenly hit it after only a second of thought, and think I have no bad intentions and my thoughts might me misinterpreted but if I hold this thought back it will further let other thoughts sink in that are far more important.
I guess it may seem SC blogging is an intense matter for me than an average SC blogger.
[push draft button]
[yawns]
[heart beats accelerate]
[push draft button]
There are many thoughts in my mind I feel my head will burst.
I think about Piet, his health.
I think about the girls, their future.
I think about my mom... how I would like another visit.... this time without the past between us, and no over-sensitive reaction to her unthinking words. She is what she is.
I think about K, his future. Will he start back with the life he led before me? Will he endanger his life? Will his actions have repurcussions in the life of our children? How will I react if he has a male partner, and he will introduce him to our children. Was I wrong? Were things he said only a
[draft]
an anomaly.
[draft]
Another deviation from a confused
[draft]
[clicked numerous new tabs in new browser: Google Chrome]
[draft]
[watches Kim file her drawings in a folder]
[watches Mary walk around the bedroom picking up wooden toys]
I wonder if this is healthy what I am doing trying to force myself in a short time to put on words what I held back so long.
Unfair.
Yes. K has been unfair. I have been so stupid I stayed so long.
I hate depression.
I hate it that I am scared to take medication for fear of losing control.
Ha.
Such a bitter irony. How do you medicate someone afraid of swallowing pills.
Do I need medication? I doubt it highly. I had a series of stressful life experiences.
[MSN buzz from Sammy aka FelineSoul]
God, I am so thankful I have her (schnucki: muaaaaaaaah)
Mary just took all her clothes out of the moving box and is walking around trying to wear the clothes around her neck.
Kim is singing a self-composed improvised song beside me... I don´t have the heart to tell her to go to another room.
[draft]
I am so tired, so scared. So overwhelmed.
Why do I have to go through this series of emotions before I travel again.
It is the same old shit.
I wish I can bawl out crying now.
[drafting and going to see how many lines written before the tears start to start falling]
I have done a lot of things from a short span of time (thanks Sam for buzzing...sometimes chatting with you brings out words faster) :
K signed the girls passports, which without his consent will not be issued out
K told Mutti of our separation, after much pleas
K told me (blog to follow in a more coherent manner) how he told Mutti what a gentleman and peaceful (translation "ruhig") or serene guy Piet is
Piet inspite of his irregular days of unconventional job hours have managed to clear the flat further and sort out stuff we already prepared in boxes last Summer. The girls will soon have a room they will feel at home in. Well, they are very at home...lol... so much more than in their home here.......................not because of the bedroom but the harmonious co-habitation.
[draft]
[rubs eyes]
[mind wanders]
I have so many thoughts in draft.
[deep sigh]
I wish blogs with clarity much clarity will be a regularity soon rather than an exemption.
FOCUS!
I give birth to a healthy child inspite of the stressful times before during and after her birth.
I met a wonderful wonderful man, who loves me emphatically, and who I love with every beat of my heart. Whose presence, voice never fail to make me catch my breath. Is that really possible that I am so blessed?
I have wonderful wonderful daughters. So loving to each other, so expressive of their love.
My future ex-husband inspite of all that we go through with each other has in his own way been supportive of this transition. Yeah he stresses out [[[[[[[[[[[[BIGTIME]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] that I could sometimes pull my hair out... (I should start saying to him: chill, dude! and laugh hysterically that he´ll get scared of me HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA and leave me alone but i somehow lost all effort at sense of humor....although typing that out now made me feel good HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHA ).................
[chuckling]
Memories of how I made him laugh at his own ridiculousness by acting mental comes rushing back to my mind.
I feel like an amnesiac.
I forgot when I started being numb, and angrily stiffened to his outbursts. When all sense of positive craziness was sucked out of me, and all I can do was look at him with pain and bitterness.
Of course, all these are behind us now...we moved on to making an effort to be civil, to losing it again to forgiving ourselves and starting again from the top....like a merry-go-round of sudden crazy-desperate civility.
Last weekend it was almost "normal" it felt weird. Today was a small outburst. Lunch was pretty amiable again.
[draft]
FOCUS:
All is well.
All always turn out well.
All eventually turns out well.
K is cooperative...his outbursts and his whole attitude has nothing to do with you.
Piet is personification of patience. He has told you again and again, how easy it is to love you, and he - ADMIT IT - has seen you at your worst, and still look at you with reverent eyes.
The girls are so happy and carefree like you have never seen them before.
Mary is a blessing from up above. You have been forgiven by returning your little angel.
You will survive.
