Emotionally, at the moment, I feel like a withered up, spit on, stepped on, thrown around, useless piece of crap that nobody seems to really pay any true attention to, uses it in their every day lives and doesn't value that ability to use it at all.
I'm not looking for a pity party, but I feel like shit. I feel like crying. I was crying earlier. I might cry the further I delve into this. I don't know. So, in short, Friday and Saturday did not go how I wanted. I did not get time to sit and relax or do things in the order in which I had set out to do things. Granted, Saturday we did drink, but my heart wasn't in it to begin with. I had planned NOT to drink so it threw a wrench in the gears, so to speak. Honestly, I only drank because our one friend would not quit pestering me about it. He was like a five year old that won't quit asking 'Why'. Every answer I gave him wasn't good enough. Finally I just said to hell with it, didn't feel like giving him more reasons and just drank. Also, he kept trying to guilt trip me because he had been planning to wait until this weekend to drink for his birthday (which was the 4th of this month). I didn't ask him to do that, that was his damn choice. He had two families take him out for a big fancy dinner (his own and his griflriend's). That is NOT how I like to start a round of drinking. Mind you, Friday my mother also cancelled on me because of my cousin.
Guess what, his hand wasn't even broken. It was just really sore. I swear, that kid does not deserve all the attention he gets. He is a jerk to anybody if he feels like it. He thinks he can get by on his looks alone. He is immature. He knocked his girlfriend up, a life changing event, and is being a jerk to her too. He insults my aunt all the time and smarts off to her and everything when all she's ever done is provide a solid background for him, financial stability and always ALWAYS a safe, loving home for him to live in. He gives my mom grief all the time, smarts off to her and even gets by with it. He takes stupid risks, does not think about the consequences and just does whatever he pleases because he knows somebody will be there to help him when he's in trouble. He is obviously very different from me. Yet I get cast aside, constantly, for him. This is where my jealousy comes from, in that scenario. This is why I get so frustrated and feel so upset. My parents' divorce was hard on me. My mom moving away from me was even worse. My mom almost dying and then finding out she was bipolar and all that went with that was extremely hard. I get to see her maybe 6 times a year ... and yet I still get cast aside for this idiot who I have to call a cousin. Don't get me wrong, I do love my cousin and I don't wish him any ill will ... but I do wish that he'd stop getting so much attention. It's not fair.
I mentioned my mother being bipolar, and her almost dying and whatnot ... and I wrote a blog a while back about my mother with more details into those things ("Meet" My Mom). What worries me now, as I spoke to her the last two times, is the way she sounded. The activities she was telling me about. The way her schedule is going to be coming up. She's hanging around with people she told me that she would NEVER be interested in. She's been drinking. She's been running a schedule where there are times she may not get to sleep for 36 hours straight. With her medications the drinking and the no sleep are especially bad. Big red flags. The way she sounded was just, well, worrisome. It reminded me of how she used to sound before her accidental overdose (for further explanation, see the post I previously mentioned). Could she be transitioning back to another bad spell? Yes, she could quite very well be. Is she? I have no way of knowing. No matter how much I TALK to her on the phone, I have no way of knowing. All I can do is sit here and worry. If I SAY anything to her, well, that would result in her giving me reassuring responses that she is not having bad times and she's OK. I'm her kid, why would she tell me if she's really having problems? She wouldn't want to scare me. Further, she would be in denial about it. Especially if she's manic, which is what it seems like. I have no way of getting a hold of my aunt, whom she lives with, without my mom knowing somehow. I can't send a letter, my mom would see it. I don't have her email. I don't have her phone number. I can't ask my mom for these things because then she would know something was up. So I just have to sit and worry and wait. It sucks.
Now, on to today. Today I just wanted to relax, go at my speed, NOT be at the farm at all, meaning my husband NOT working on his truck. Just for one day. That's all I asked. ONE FUCKING DAY. It wasn't a matter of needing it for work, he has his mother's jeep at his disposal for the moment. He could have chosen not to. He didn't. I will say, before I go on, I did get to have a nice relaxing morning here at SC, reading my wonderful birthday well wishes and all, which really were so nice. I did get that, but I got rushed near the end of that because he had our friends (one of which was helping him work on his truck, the other is his girlfriend (my boss's daughter), so they're a matched set) come over with intentions to go immediately to the farm after I was done. I did get rushed, I kept hearing 'Are you done yet?' 'Are you about done?' 'How much longer?' I finally relented, got off of here and we got ready to go to the farm.
Quite honestly, it upset me that my husband couldn't even think of me for one day ... my birthday no less ... and just do the one thing I had asked ... NOT work on his truck. It wouldn't have hurt anything. We wouldn't have had to be outside in the cold for hours. Yes, HOURS. We wouldn't have had to waste time getting side tracked because my FIL decided he wanted the guys to do something for him instead of working on the truck the whole time. We wouldn't have had to all be so frustrated with my husband and his truck. Our one friend wouldn't have fallen flat on his face for tripping over my FIL's junk. Yes, JUNK. He collects junk so he can sort it, strip what needs stripping and take loads in to get money back for it. The problem is, he literally has MOUNDS of it. Not just a little here, a little there ... it's everywhere. The cattle lot is now the junkyard ... that's what everybody calls it. The beautiful area that used to be right out front of the big shed, where my husband, BIL and me used to play is one gaping pile of junk (at least ten foot high). It is a sight that would make you cringe.
So yes, my husband couldn't make that ONE concession. He couldn't think of his wife for just ONE day and let me have the kind of relaxing, good day I wanted. All last weekend we screwed around with his truck. This week his tooth got infected, because HE has poor dental hygiene, and THAT nixed going out to eat (unable to afford it due to his teeth) and drinking (although we got pressured into it anyway). Friday and Saturday became a cluster fuck AND we dealt with the truck, for HOURS each day. Just ONE damn day and he couldn't give it to me. I make so many concessions for him. I go out of my way so much for him. I remember so much for him. I take care of so many things for him. I do so much for him, and he couldn't think of me on my own fucking birthday. He didn't even say Happy Birthday today. No card. No special things like making my coffee for me, making breakfast, a good morning kiss, NOTHING. Its like he's brain dead. Men, I ask of you one question (women, you can weigh in too, but guys would know first hand):
Is he being honest, and should I let him get by with it, when he says 'I just can't think of anything.' in relation to doing nice things for me (whether it be for my birthday, our anniversary, other special occassions, holidays, etc.). He means he can't think of one single thing ... not 'new' things ... not 'creative' things ... not just those things ... he means he can't even think of simple, cliche things.
If I want something special to happen I have to tell him what to do. If I want something I have to get it myself or ask him for it. I have not once had the thought in my mind 'Ohhh, how sweet, he went to the trouble to do that for me?' I don't mean I've never had that thought today ... I don't think I've had that thought through our whole relationship.
So moving on ... we dealt with his truck for hours again today and it was finally fixed. He fired it up, took it for a test drive, all was peachy. We were FINALLY going to be able to go to the house, be warm and just hang out. We knew we'd have to put gas in it later, but we were planning to call it a night at 8pm, go get the gas, then upon returning I would hop in the tub for a nice, hot, soaky bath. 8pm rolled around, our friends left, we left to get the gas. We got to the gas station. We filled up the tank. We got into the truck to go home. I cried. I cried because the truck wouldn't start. I was freezing also. I hadn't even warmed up from being outside for HOURS initially, while they finished the truck. Apparently the power wire from the battery to the starter was a little long and had rested against one of the exhaust manifolds. It got too hot, melted the shit off of the wire and thus melted the power wire to the manifold, taking all power away from the starter. I cried a little more. My hands were shaking uncontrollably (picture a lie detector ... when all is calm it's small little squiggles ... when a lie is told ... crazy, big, squiggles ... yeah, my hands could have drawn those crazy, big squiggles). I wanted to explode. I wanted to punch my husband in the face. I wanted to break things on the truck. I wanted to scream at the next nearest person just because. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
So we towed the truck home, consisting of more being outside and freezing. We tested the battery to make sure it wasn't shot, and we got lucky there. My FIL did his usual procrastinating and taking his sweet ass time and wanted us to stand and talk and shit. By this point it was already a little after 9. I just wanted to get my nice hot bath already. So we finally got out of there. The truck is now in the big shed, no battery in it, power wire melted to the manifold still. Fuck that stupid truck. I don't think I could hate one inannimate object more.
Anywho, back to the night's events ... so I go home, get ready for my bath, get made to wait after I had poured the water because my dad needed to use the bathroom. He decides that instead of leaving the crockpot of ham and beans on the lowest setting overnight that he would rather put it away right then and there. This was also right before he was ready to go to bed for the night. I knew he'd want to be in a hurry. He told me to go ahead and get my bath. I knew he'd want to get in bed soon, so I knew there was no point in even cracking open my book to read. I just got right down to business. I tried to at least enjoy the nice hot water for a minute, as I felt like a snow woman honestly, as cold as I was. I kept hearing exhasperated, loud, drawn out sighs from my dad outside the bathroom door each time he passed. Then I heard him start taking care of the beans on his own. I took my bath in record time, from closing the door to opening it was maybe fifteen minutes. That's with using the bathroom, getting undressed, getting in, doing what I have to do (including washing hair), drying off, getting dressed, draining the tub, and rinsing the tub. Pretty fast for me. Especially when it was supposed to be a relaxing bath to calm my nerves after a shitty day.
It made me feel like such shit that the one last thing I had hoped I could enjoy for my birthday got ruined. By the time I got out he was most of the way finished and had an attitude with me, slightly. So I helped him finish and at the end got told, snottily of course 'All of this mess is for you tomorrow.' Nice. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that my dad told me yesterday, when I was telling him why I was upset about my birthday weekend, that I needed to hurry up and learn that birthdays weren't special, that they were just another day. My birthday is the ONE day of the year that I look forward to, and maybe even get a little excited about. That's over holidays and everything else. I also got told not to bring him down because he was having such a good week. Then I had to deal with him drunkenly (he started drinking at 9am Saturday) changing the turtle tank. That was so nerve wracking.
I went back to sit and calm down for a moment because I was on the verge of tears again. My husband did not say one word to me. He did no offer me any comfort. He did nothing. He sat and played a video game. I waited for him to get done, and said I was ready to go to bed and wanted him to rub my back for just a few minutes, just because the whole rest of the day had been so shitty for me. He didn't want to do it. He sat and played his video games, making me wait and then told me he was too tired. So I'm here, at the end of the night on my birthday, feeling defeated.
Barring you guys at SC, I feel like nobody really wanted to take the time of day to think of me. It makes me feel like shit. Nobody tried to make my day an OK one. It felt like everybody in my day to day life was out to make sure this birthday was horrible. It was like my birthday doesn't even exist. I was given my orders for tomorrow, plans for the truck being worked on have been made, and I get nothing. No relaxation, no comfort, nothing. Its as if I don't even matter, I'm only of value when I'm doing something for somebody else. The way my husband, my dad, my mom and my friend acted this weekend made me feel like shit. Insignificant. Useless. Unimportant. Disposable.
On the whole of things, I know that's not the truth. That does not mean that they still didn't make me FEEL that way, no matter what I KNOW. There is a difference between knowing and feeling.
Barring here at SC, again, overall, this has been the worst birthday of my life. The first time I did not have a party of sorts. The first time nothing went my way. The first time I legitamately was treated like my day meant nothing. It already has me thinking about next year. I don't even want to make a big deal of it. I don't want anybody to remember that its my birthday. I don't want to make plans. That way, I won't be disappointed, hurt or upset. Time to add another few bricks to this wall I've got to build against the people I know in my day to day life. I'm tired of feeling hurt. For now though, I'm going to go cry a little more.
Hegemone posted on Feb 22, 2009
| views: 581
Comments
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silver_phoenix said on Feb 22, 2009....
Hegemone~ I cannot believe this crap and how all the people in your life made you feel on your special day. I'm angry at them for you; I mean I'm really pist. If I were beside you, I'd rub your back and try to give you your much deserved and earned comfort. I cannot believe how they all treat you; it's like you're a second-class or second-rate person. Your the slave, the weaker sex, in their minds. I cannot believe that all the people in your family treat you this way. You are so strong to be able to take it day in and day out. I wouldn't be able to take it. You're a tough cookie.
I hope you are able to get some rest tonight. I hope tomorrow you are able to not get bogged down in these hurt feelings and anger you may have. And I hope you are able to find some ways to comfort yourself and relax, like a new bath that is fully relaxing or something. big hugs dear!!! :-)
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queenparanoia said on Feb 23, 2009....
ok this was a long read but i read it because it's your birthday. it's the time of the year to be selfish. because it's all about you. but apparently the people in your life doesn't think so. so here's a hug for you...
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
i want you to know that even if i'm thousands of miles away you have a friend in me. so i hope you feel better after releasing the negative energy in your life... ;-)
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Feb 23, 2009....
Heggie, I read your post through, as I woke up but did not know what to say and had to go back again and again.
I am sorry truly sorry that the people in your life were not capable of making your special day, a special one for you. I know, you will forgive them because you know them and love them.
But knowing and feeling - as you accurately said - are two different things. I wish, you would not only know that they love you but feel that they do. I wish they would make you feel with thoughtful gestures and make an effort on your special day.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((warm embrace)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hope you will be feeling better when you wake up. I wish deeply wish you don´t have to be hurt by the people in your life. I wish you will be nurtured like you nurture almost everyone in your family, and circle of friends.
Wishing you a good start in the week <3
paper ~
P.S.
I enjoyed reading your drunken post - bladder winner hahahahah
I still lurk in the shadow...when reading your posts. You shame me lol that you manage to always express yourself almost everywhere regardless which topic. I am making my little effort here, and hopefully will sustain it.
I am way too careful what I say now on the net (in other people´s blogs... and in part in mine) than when I began in SC. Slowly, I am regaining that liberated spirit though. And again, I thank you for that, dear friend.
*still frustrated ...feeling words are not enough*
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mobil said on Feb 23, 2009....
Wow that was a long one Hege, I don't know what to tell you. It seems to me that we all must take charge of our lives.Your Dad, your cousin, even your husband, if they won't come to the party, mabye it's time you begin making your own plans and putting those things into motion that will allow you to feel good.It all begins with that first step..........good luck -
pusscat said on Feb 23, 2009....
Jesus Christ girl I'm so f*!@ing angry for you!!!!
I'll just skip over your cousin lightly babe as it makes me too angry. notice i don't say HE makes me angry? The monster does not create itself. If people keep pandering to him, he will keep taking advantage of it all.
First thing I have to address is that question you asked of the guys. If I don't know what to do for someone's birthday I ask a friend. If I don't know what to do for someone's wedding anniversary, I ask a friend or relative. If I wanted to know what a bloke may like as 'something nice', I will ask their brother, sister, mum or best mate. IT IS OBVIOUS!!! I'm sorry you had to put up with all that shit from so many (and I dare say this) of the MALES in your life.
Hubby couldn't be arsed to give his birthday girl wife a back rub but he could play video games. Well, I'd like to tell the little boy that sometimes we do things that we don't always like - it's called a PARTNERSHIP!!!!! Well - maybe his wife can't be arsed to cook his dinner. Maybe his wife can't be arsed to wash his clothes which must get EXTRA dirty from working on a crappy truck all week! Maybe his wife can't be arsed to go shopping for groceries and everyone starves to death. Have you ever actually really thought of doing that babe lol! Oh - I'd love to be there. Just the odd day or so, just here and there so it's not so obvious what you're doing. Not go shopping a few times and say you couldnt be bothered or you're too tired. Don't do some of the washing and say you were tired?. . . hee hee
I was annoyed with your dad too honey. People may try to tell us what to do sometimes but, as my dear friend here, MoonLiteRide once told me, no one can tell you how to FEEL. If you feel that a birthday should be a special day then that is your perogative (spell check).
Now here's something I would really like for you to give serious thought to. Pick a day. Any day but mark it on the calendar. Tell hubby that you have chosen a day to pamper yourself and do what YOU want to do. Give him your itinery for that day so he can't say he didn't know what you were doing. DO NOT under any circumstances, deviate from what you want to do. If you have a little shopping therapy trip planned with a friend, DO IT. No matter what he says, no matter who phones you, just do it! When you run your bath with oils and scented candles, lock the door, stick ear plugs in if you have to but forget the world. Order a takeaway so you don't have to cook a darn thing and drink whatever you want to drink. Anyone asks anything of you, tell them to refer to your itinery list. Finally, sit down at the PC in your cosy PJs and slippers with a glass of wine and spend a couple of hours or however long you want on there and tell us all about the great pampering day you had!!!
I want to know in a few days time that you have chosen a day for 'pampering' darling. I know it doesn't detract from everyone taking the piss as they have been and being selfish arseholes but maybe we can't do anything about that - who knows? I do believe that hubby needs to be tought lessons though hun. He cannot and SHOULD NOT be allowed to get away with taking you for granted so badly.
I don't know if this will help but I'm sending it anyway
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Hege )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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MsStar39 said on Feb 23, 2009....
I felt so sad reading your post hege, I am sorry that you family did't take the time to make your day special. I can't believe that your husband didn't even say Happy Birthday . You need to tell him off and let him know that you want to be treated with love and respect. Shame on him. -
Hegemone said on Feb 23, 2009....
Silver - Thank you so much. It means a lot, what you said. Really, how you described it, is exactly how they make me feel. I spend lots of time wondering how I can really put up with it, how I haven't run screaming to the loony bin, or for that matter wound up in prison for mass murders. I did get some rest finally, plenty of it really. I'll be blogging about that a little later though. Again, thank you for your words, they really do mean a lot.
Queenie - Thank you for the hug and the friendship, it means so very much to me. I'm so happy to have gotten to know you.
Paper - You're right, I will forgive them over time, but, part of me wonders WHY I do it. I mean, yes, I love them, but that doesn't mean they should be excused from these actions, you know? You are dead on with mentioning that it would be nice if they would show me that they appreciated me through little gestures. Just something to let me know that they realize how often I push myself aside to make sure their lives run smoothly. In this case, I wish they would realize actions speak more loudly than words. Simply saying they appreciate me (on the rare occasions they say it) feels like they speak empty words. It also feels like they only say it for peace in their own mind, or to get rid of guilt. It does not feel genuine. Your words really mean a lot Paper, a LOT. Also, don't fret about not always commenting everywhere about everything. You do things how you have to, the rest will come around. You words have certainly been more than enough. Just knowing that you are concerned, that you do care, that means so much to me. Thank you Paper. (((((HUG))))
Mobil - Very true, and I have been making changes in my own life. I think that's part of why they're really having issues lately. I'm not putting 100% of myself into them. I'm trying to lose weight for my heath, for ME and that means that I eat differently, I eat better things than they do, I do not give in and say 'Yes, lets go eat McDonald's, yes lets go eat pizza.' Its becoming an inconvenience for them and they're rebelling. I'm excelling in my job and getting paid well for it, that's more than what my father can say. For each little thing I do for myself, it feels like it widens the gaping canyon between us, because they feel threatened that I might better myself TOO much and not need them at all, and therefore not BE there for them. If they only knew that if they'd just show me they appreciated me, love me unconditionally (and show it) and not try to hold me back I won't go away. They clearly don't know me well enough.
PC - Whew woman, first, thank you so so so much for your concern and worry. I really appreciate it more than you could ever know. I get exactly what you mean about the cousin avenue ... he wouldn't be that way if he hadn't been given the reason to THINK he could get by with it. And you're right ... my husband claims he just "doesn't think of it" to ask somebody else for suggestions. I'm thinking, its not hard ... hell, I tell him plenty enough what I like and don't like. He should know that. He just doesn't want to remember it. For instance, last night I asked him to make me a sandwich. 2 slices of bread (duh), 2 slices of turkey and some spicy mustard in between the turkey slices. Now, would that be hard? I'm pretty sure lots of people would be able to remember that. Its not like I told him to paint the Mona Lisa with the mustard or anything, or to fold the turkey so that it looked like a turkey! He looked at me and said 'You expect me to remember that?' I literally wrote down directions on how to make the sandwich. He used them too! I shouldn't have to do that for such simple things. Its ridiculous.
I think my husband largely misses the fact that we're in a partnership ... give and take ... for better and for worse. Its begun to feel like he married me so he could get out of life's little hard ships because I'm there to take care of it. He doesn't have to think for himself. Its funny you mention the idea of stopping doing things for him ... I've done that before. The only thing I didn't stop doing were money related things, because well, he spends it like we have a money tree in the back yard ... and I have yet to find that tree, personally. So I don't give him freedom there or else we'd be filing bankruptcy before I could blink. I think you're right though, its about time I start taking things away again. It worked out last time, hell, he still is in charge of the laundry because of it. I can't not do the dishes though, because then I have to worry about dad going off the deep end and really, there's nowhere to go if we get kicked out, so I'll have to tread lightly there. There are other things I can get my husband on though. I'll not pass messages for him anymore, make sure he has food to eat, make sure to remember to GIVE him his cash for work (he can remember, and if he can't go to the trouble to remember to ask for cash for work, well, he deserves to be hungry for a day), and other things like that. I'm tired of wiping his ass.
Also, I do like your idea about picking a day that's just for ME. I'm going to give that some thought. See what I'd like to do, who (if anyone) with, and when. I want to pick a good day ... don't want to pick a day that something is already planned and don't want to pick a day that I know is sure to be doomed from the beginning. I've got to plan this one precisely, but rest assured, I will be putting some thoughts on this. In case I forget to post it in a blog or anything, feel free to ask about it in a couple of days if I haven't said anything. I might think it through in my blog I'm getting ready to do later. Thank you though for that idea. Its a good one, and I really think I can do it, especially the way you've suggested ... for me to give him, and my dad, a kind of itinerary and tell them that it is my day, I will be "unavailable" unless somebody is bleeding profusely or losing an appendage.
My husband shouldn't be allowed to continue to get by with it. I can deal with it with my dad, because he's been that way all my life and I have ways of either getting around it or dealing with it. My husband I will not tolerate it at all. A few months back we got into a rather big argument (lasted about 4 days) and decided that if things weren't better by April then we would seek marriage counseling. I would like to talk to him about yesterday, maybe I'll write him a letter to read off of as we talk. I don't know that he had any clue how I was feeling, and while he should have been able to sense something was wrong, I want to make sure he does know it today. I want him to know just how horrible I was feeling before I drifted off to sleep last night. I think I'm going to bring up the fact that I don't feel our relationship has improved at this point, if this sort of thing could happen, so I'm still leaning towards marriage counseling in April. That's just a tiny bit over a month away. He claimed that he'd be OK with the marriage counseling at that time, because initially he wasn't interested. The really scary part is ... I told him if, at that point, he was still unwilling to try to the marriage counseling, then it was over and I wouldn't put up with it anymore. At that point, I'm going to act strategically so I don't get screwed over since I have so much stored over at the farm, including my horse. I'll have to figure out what to do with all of that stuff, and then I'll probably tell him to leave. That's IF he turns down the counseling. So we'll see. Thank you PC, thank you for all of your concern, and yes, the hug did help!
MsStar - Thank you very much for your concern. Yes, I do intend on having a talk with my husband tonight. We won't be having friends over, he won't get out of it by saying 'I'm tired' (which usually diffuses me because I know he won't be paying attention, or he'll just tell me what I want to hear to shut me up). He's going to know exactly how he made me feel. Again, thank you.
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fragglesrock said on Feb 23, 2009....
hegs - you deserve sooo much more than this. on a daily basis you do soooo much for them. (your father and husband, that is). if i were there you KNOW that i would sooo wrangle up a party for you, it's my favorite thing to do! i'd make you wear a silly hat, we'd do shots together, we'd give the middle finger to the husband....i'm so sorry :( -
Hegemone said on Feb 23, 2009....
Frag - Ha, that made me laugh. Boy would I ever love to have a party thrown for me by you. Of course we'd have to invite some other SCers here! Then we could ALL give the finger to the husband, and my dad just for good measure! I dare them to try to ruin my day with all of you guys around! It could be scandalous, us drinking together though, lol ... especially if I were to be a hyper drunk like I was the other night ... Beavis & Butthead does that to me! -
fragglesrock said on Feb 23, 2009....
hyper drunk hege is AWESOME! and btw....I LOVE B&B!!!! i can run around for hours on redbull being a big cornholio and laughing at myself!!!! i can't IMAGINE if you were thre egging me on...lol -
Alyss said on Feb 23, 2009....
I'm sorry that you had a rough birthday. I hope your day today has been better. -
pusscat said on Feb 23, 2009....
You're darn right i was concerned girl. You are one of the sweetest most thoughtful souls here and to hear of you being treated like that really hurt. I think what makes me sad too is what you said just now. He honestly doesn't seem to realise just what your feelings were on that day or as you went to bed. Writing it down for him is good. I have always loved the written word as it can be read, read again and read again. It gives each point a chance to really sink in. He still does the laundry. . . thats reeeeeal good. . . so you now know it is a proven formula :-)
"I will be "unavailable" unless somebody is bleeding profusely or losing an appendage" ha ha! Loved that ;-) Oh and btw - thank you sooooo much for spelling itinerary properly ha ha - I just KNEW something was wrong everytime I looked at how I'd spelled it lol!
Frags - can I come to the party? I promise to wear a silly hat too lol ;-)
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diabolicdame said on Feb 23, 2009....
Awww hege.. thats so bad!! Such a sucky birthday!! I dont know why these people in your life acted this way.. sounds to me like you're way too nice and accomodating towards everybody and you're just being taken for granted. I'm so sorry you were sad on your birthday.. and I for one did think of you and hoped your day would be great. You knwo what.. dont be so nice to evrybody! Throw a tantrum! You deserve a tantrum! I hope the rest of your year goes very very well to make up for this day!! :-) -
CreativeWoman said on Feb 23, 2009....
Hegemone, I really do empathize with you. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I have lived some of those moments of hurt too. I really hate to see you go down the path I've been on. Veer off of it as soon as you can.
I really do wish you well..
CW
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Hegemone said on Feb 23, 2009....
Frags - Ha, we'd be twin Cornholios! It would undoubtedly be a riot.
Alyss - Thank you so much, it was better for sure.
PC - Really, thank you again. It makes me feel good hearing those words from you. Yes, I think a letter is just what's in order. Today wasn't the day for that. I decided that, emotionally, I just wasn't ready to have a big thing happen after last night. So, as I sit here I am pulling bits and pieces from last night's blogs, elaborating here and there, adding other things I didn't mention in the blog. I'll be making sure its clear and precise. Ha, and I spelled itinerary wrong at first too ... thankfully Mozilla Firefox has a built in spell checker I think, so it caught it for me, lol. Now we both know at least!
DD - Thank you so much. Yeah, I am kicking back into Hegbitch mode I think ... and I'm going to go with PC's idea of having a ME day. I've already decided it's gonna be on a Wednesday! I'm worth more than the credit they give me ... and I'm going to make sure that they know that and know I'm not gonna take the crap.
CW - Your word and knowing that you understand are more than enough. I'm making changes little by little, I just have to do some strategic planning (somewhat of the financial kind) to get away from this. I'm fairly confident that our crux is that we live with my dad ... if we can just get away from our families, have some space ... I think we'll be OK. Right now it still feels like we're treated like kids, or soldiers, or slaves ... take your pick, lol. Again, thank you.
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diabolicdame said on Feb 24, 2009....
Go hege!! :-D