Don't you always get stuck, like me, in this little, insidious question?
"What if?"
I don't know if i like this question or not. If i need to ask it to myself to appreciate what i have in the present. Or if i have to simply delete it, due to its in vast uselessness.
Fact is, we all ask it to ourselves.
Fact is, i had a "What if" moment just today.
Fact is, my mom is at in the hospital right now.
She fell from the steps of the marble stair leading the open market area to the steet below.
Falling, she crashed her elbow against the small column that stands at the end of the staircase. She broke her right elbow in three pieces, she went already under surgery 4 days ago. She wears a cask now and her hands are all blue and since she also hit her head she sports two black swollen eyes.
She called me late at night. It was early morning for her. My heart sunk, once again. She rarely calls this late.
She was whispering at the phone and i immediately felt the well know tight knot in my stomach.
"What's going on? Are you ok?"
"Well, now i am fine but i am in the hospital"
"What? Why?"
So she explained me the whole accident...how she lost her balance, how some people helped her to get up, collecting from the sidewalk the content of her grocery bag....the bread, the cheese, the apples, the fish, the coffee
How they walked her to my brother's nearby shop where my brother panicked and drove her to the hospital.
All of this happened last week. I had been informed of it only yesterday. Because my mom prohibited my brother to call me. Because she didnt want to worry me.
Again...this seems a broken record in my life.
But, i told her that everything was ok, since she was ok.
After the fall, she had to go to ER for 4 days in a row to get in line and have a bed assigned to her. She went there 4 days in the morning and waiting until late at night. Then coming back the next day.
In Italy we don't pay anything for medical. No one single cent. But this is what we have to bear with.
Finally, she got her bed and she got her surgery.
"Everything went great. Don't start worrying now that everything is over".
Yes, easy to say.
Ok, i am not worried, i tell her anyway.
I could hear from her voice that she was in a very good spirit and not in pain. She even bragged about the great results she got from the lab.
"The doctors told me i have the health of a 20 years old".
"It must be all the coffee you have been drinking and all the cigarettes you have been smoking, mom"
So we laughed and we promised to call each other tomorrow.
But then, left alone, still with the phone in my hand...i felt a like a hammer had hit me in the middle of the stomach.
Again i found myself crying. Like a kid might cry when in the middle of a crowd she let go her mother's hand and can't find her anymore.
What if?
What if?
I was asking over and over in my mind.
What if she had hit her head so badly to the point of dying....or what if something had gone wrong during the surgery?
What if?
I had to stop ...the mere idea of all the scary possibiities dancing a macabre waltz around me were too much to handle.
In a split of a second my life, our family life would have exploded, changed forever.
Just like this... like the snapping of the fingers, like the flapping wings of a hummingbird, like the tiny step of an ant, like the batting of the eyelashes of a sleeping baby.
A fluttering, a whispering, a look....and the Universe like i know it would have collapsed and buried me alive.
She called again today, just few hours ago. She will go home tomorrow. My daughter played her new song at the guitar for her. We laughed. We said "I love you".
Life is still like i knew it.
But...what if?
The little question grabs our throat and make us swallowing for more air anytime we pronounce it, isn'it?
It does this trick on us also at the mere wondering of a different happiness... a new love.... a desired connection....or during the consideration that maybe we did make a mistake...that maybe we should have chosen differently...what if? what if?
A change of heart....the re-thinking of an already chosen choice ...
Oh, what if?
What if?
What if?
What if?
Which one is your "What if" right now?
gingersoul posted on Feb 22, 2009
| views: 418
Comments
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moonriver said on Feb 22, 2009....
ginger, my own hear skipped a beat when i read the words "mom in hospital" and "fall."
but i think you had a right to know the moment it happened.
it just isn't right for this kind of news to be withheld from you (unless, perhaps, that news also put you in danger of getting a stroke yourself)...
for good or bad, you have a right to worry.
in any case, i'm glad she is now ok.
i know your brother will find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again.
falls are the biggest danger to the elderly.
my mother was hospitalized after a similar accident.
i know exactly the feeling of "what if's" running through out heads.
that is what makes us human, my friend.
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Feb 22, 2009....
Oh Gingery,
I am glad your mom is alright and in good spirits. I know about scare over taking a call at times you know it could only be your family from your birth home.
16 years ago, I left the Philippines and went to work in UAE in an advertising company. It was time of Eid, and we worked in the evening and rested during the day. I was alone in the office as I got a call from my aunt, wishing me a happy birthday. I cannot recall now (I have pushed so many sad memories away) the details but suddenly it slipped that my grandfather died a month ago. Long story but exactly the same reasoning: we did not want you to be upset being so far away. I had a 2 year contract.
I have not cried so hard over the phone as I did then except when my husband 6 years later related that my dad died (he got the phone call while I was at work - now in Hamburg, and he came there to tell me). This time I was informed right away, thankfully.
There have been lots of what ifs in my life. So many.
paper ~
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Never_Mind_The_Quality said on Feb 22, 2009....
HUGS!!!!!
I keep my "what ifs" to a minimum. They aren't constructive
unless you try to solve something which you have a handle on.
I feel for your mom.
As always, your posts are so alive that I can see the story which
you paint. I felt my ankle which I broke last November as I read.
But, I think your mom is a tough cookie.
She will heal and boast about it till you know can't hear it anymore.
Be strong for her.
Hugs,
;-))
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gingersoul said on Feb 22, 2009....
Moon.....thank you so much for your concern....and for understanding what i was feeling toward the whole situation....
You have been with me in these past 2 years......when my sister passed away.......when my friend Niky found out about her cancer and underwent chemio and i was here and nobody told me if not very late..
I told you about my father and my best friend Katia......none of them wanted me to worry me ...but none of them allowed me to share their last days on earth with them....and i was here, oblivious of everything....
These memories still hurst and everything went back to me, i guess....
I remember very well when your mom fell and the hospitalization....and the rest...{hugs}.
Thank you, my friend
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gingersoul said on Feb 22, 2009....
Joanna.....i was sure you would have some related stories of phone calls, of news said a little too late, of waiting and discoveries at the last minute.
I think its the life of us people living in a foreign country and cut out from the daily life of our families that we left behind.
I also know you have a lot of What Ifs in your life....
Sometimes if you let your mind wander too far away from the here and now its easy to get lost........like our self centered world didn't have boundaries anymoree....completely scattered in thousand of possibilities and different directions...
What Ifs are not good when they turn in regrets...{hugs}
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quietone said on Feb 22, 2009....
I am glad to hear your mom is okay ginger. But, I try very hard not to look at the past or too far into the future to think about "what if's" as then I am missing the gift of the present. {{{{{hugs}}}}} -
gingersoul said on Feb 22, 2009....
Piet.........lol.......she is indeed a tough cookie.......they had thrown away the mold of that cookie after she was born.....lol..
She endured so much in her life and yet she is still the one telling me not to cry, to understand that if there is nothing to do.....well, sometimes its just wiser not to fight......
I'd mistaken her approach to life in the past, specially when i was very young..
Her resilience and stoicism seemed to me indifference and a sense of lost ambitions and dreams.......
I didn't like it and i rebelled against it.
Now i see what she has been shaped with.
Thank you so much.
I remember when you broke your ankle...Joanna here was out of her mind....lol..
{hugs}
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gingersoul said on Feb 22, 2009....
Quiet......thank you, my friend....
You are a very wise soul......
For me....i am not into thinking too much about the future....i am a day dreamer but i generally found myself wandering more often the hall of my past....
The present is all we have...but those What If pop in our mind so uninvited and there is nothing we can do against them...{hugs}
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mobil said on Feb 22, 2009....
My Father always said; "What happens, happens, what comes, comes. Don't spend your life fighting problems before they arrive"Sometimes this is easier said than done Gingerbread, I for one know that. But it's good advice.Glad your Mom is getting better. "What if" she had fallen on a very wealthy handsome man and they fell in love? Huh? haha -
Me-Myself&I said on Feb 22, 2009....
Ginger i am sorry to hear about your mother. she must have an angel who watches over her! i hope her recovery is quick. take care and my prayers and thoughts are with her and your family. -
gingersoul said on Feb 22, 2009....
Mobil....true, true....my ex husband is like your father...he has this kind of Buddha attitude, if he only knew who Buddha is...lol...
Sometimes over analizing is conducive of massive headaches and disasters, i know....
And you are so right.....what if my mom had fallen in the arm of that mature rich man? I would have solved the problems of my life, moved in Italy and live happily ever after..... uhmmm....
M&M.....i dont believe in angels, but i know that she is a really strong woman....the big scare has been when she told me about hitting her head....that really sent me to the loop for a moment...but she is doing really great.......thank you for your words...:-) -
secretlife said on Feb 22, 2009....
you need to have a little chat with your brother. he should have called you regardless of how much your mother threatened him. you have every right to know these things as they are going on and not be "protected" -i'm glad she's going to be ok- i'm sure they'll have her in physical therapy for a while. my mom fell into a rabbit hole in her backyard a few years ago and broke her shoulder and arm. she went to some of the therapy but gave up 1/2 way thru and can only raise her left arm about half way as far as the right. i wish she wasn't so stubborn and kept going- hopefully your mother will be a better patient than mine was! -
Hegemone said on Feb 22, 2009....
Man, that really could have been devastating, but I'm glad all is well now. So far as my current 'What If' .... I've got a few.- What if my husband hadn't chosen to work on his truck today? Would the battery cable perhaps NOT have been touching the manifold and not melted, meaning the truck was yet again broke down, not 4 hours after finally being fixed again (after being broke down for about a month or more).
- What if I had put my foot down and demanded that today be a day of just hanging out, staying in the nice warm house and just relaxing? Would my husband have gotten pissy and demanded right back to work on the truck? Would the aforementioned events have happened? Would other catastrophic events have occurred instead? Was I destined to have a crappy birthday?
- What if my parents hadn't gotten divorced? Would I be in college right now, getting a good education to get a better job? Would I be where I'm at now? Would I have even decided to date my husband in the first place? How different would my life be?
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cntlvmenuf said on Feb 22, 2009....
Oy.... That sure is a bitter pill to swallow! I think people have the best of intentions when they withhold certain news but as they say, "The path to hell is paved with good intentions." I had the same happen to me when my dad almost had a stroke and NOBODY called me. Even my cousin who lives in the same city as I knew about it and he didn't even tell me about it even though I spent the whole goddamn day with him!
You know, that "we didn't want you to worry" is a poor cop out and it irritates the heck out of me. Who told these people they need to make that call for me??? What if I coulda been of assistant and helped make a worse situation better?
Am glad to hear your mom is doing ok. I do wish your family would listen and realize they are doing you no good withholding that information from you.
My "what ifs" that trip me is that I tend to overanalyze situations and by the time I make up my mind the opportunity has passed. I am trying to learn how to jump with both feet in....instead of doing things with half my heart. I am trying to find my passion.....all else be damned.
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gingersoul said on Feb 22, 2009....
Secret....yes, that's exactly what i thought....i mean...one week ....they could have at least "introduced" me to the news......i don't know....telling me something..anything.....
I emailed my brother earlier and told him to please let me know if any other situation like this might arise.......i know they did it with good intentions but ....still..i just hate it....
My mom is not going to be in any way a better patient than your mom, trust me on this...lol.
She is equally stubborn and hates with all her gut being the one who is taken care of....having spent all her life to take care of us...
She is going to have the cask for two months and going to therapy as well...i bet she is going to find any possible excuse for not going to the doctor after only two days.....:-)
Thank you, Secret...
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gingersoul said on Feb 22, 2009....
Hege.....yes, she is recovering well, it seems. Since Italy is 7 hours ahead of Texas she most likely is getting ready to leave the hospital right now....crossing finegrs.....
Uhmm......your last What Ifs are quite life altering...but after all....all the What Ifs are, isn'it?
Doesn't tmake you think that what we consider something that has to happen shouldn't, instead?
Doesn't make you doubt any faith you migth have in predestination, if you have any...but then...the same life altering event could be predestined to happen..so again...mandatory to happen..
Ah, my little brain sometime should just stop thinking...lol..
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gingersoul said on Feb 22, 2009....
Oh, Hege...i forgot.....belated Happy b-day....hope everything went good.....:-)
Cntlvmf.....yes, i absolutely agree with you.
I am sorry you had to go through the same long distance scare with your dad....is he doing alright now?
I know, you know that they have all the best intentions toward us.... but still..
And as you pointed out...what if you were just the right person able to help in that moment?....who knows?
I hope you will find your passion ..so that you will be led along the rigth path...
Thank you...:-)
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the_infernal_optimist said on Feb 22, 2009....
I am so very glad your mom is going to be ok, ginger! ((massive, massive hugs)) That is SO scary...and it leaves those questions just whispering over and over.
My own "what if?" haunting me these days is about what happened last Saturday, Valentine's Day, when a routine surgery very nearly cost me my life. I know I'm fine, but that horrible question comes back to do its damage now and then.
Again, I am very relieved that your mother's injuries were not worse and that she is in such good spirits and good health overall. I wish her a very speedy recovery!
~Infernal
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cntlvmenuf said on Feb 22, 2009....
gingersoul: That was back in thanksgiving of '04. He never was quiet the same after that and was in and out of the hospital. He passed away March of '05. I called my mom the day it happened and was running my mouth that we need to move him to a better hospital so he can get better care, she passed the phone to my aunt (her older sister) and I asked how dad was doing and she said ok and that I should call later. An hour later I got a text message from my brother telling me my dad had passed long before I even called my mom to talk to her....and neither her nor my aunt had the heart to tell me while I was carrying on about getting him better care that it was too late.
Well....I know it is not my fault that he is gone...but I still wonder to this day, "What if I had enough money to send him to a better hospital...would he still be with us?" So that is one of my dark "what ifs."
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beyondtheveil said on Feb 23, 2009....
ginsoul- Sorry I'm so late, I don't know how I missed this post until now. But really, we are all full of 'what if's' many times during our life. They rarely do any good, but I'm still guilty of them.
I'm also like your mother in that she wouldn't allow your brother to contact you. I went to the hospital for a week one time and didn't let my wife contact anyone. My daughter almost split open because of it. I don't even tell my wife I go to the doctor until afterward, so I know how your mother feels about it.
That's great news she's ok and recovered quickly. Makes me very happy she can go home tomorrow. I've often wondered how to impress on older people to watch for, and be conscious of things like steps.
You are so right about the flapping of a wing, or a whispering, can change our universe. But this time it turned out not so bad. Be thankful for that.
Take care, soulgirl.
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HollyGoLightly said on Feb 23, 2009....
*ginger*~in my everlasting quest to simplify my life (hahahaha), or rather, to control the things I can & let everything else go... I have long ago refused to entertain the"what-if" question and/or scenario...It's fabulous.~*~Holly~*~ -
scipio said on Feb 23, 2009....
Without 'what if's" - life is more interesting.
If everyone took a calculated decision on everyday matters - life would be so predictable. It is the unpredictability that makes life interesting.
If it happens - it happens - if not then forget it. Or more colloquially - fuck it !
If it happens for your own good - then it was in your destiny -
If it doesn't - it was never meant to happen to you.
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scipio said on Feb 23, 2009....
Wishing your mum a speedy recovery. -
queenparanoia said on Feb 23, 2009....
i hope your mom feels better now. that was scary ginger...
what if...
oh god i have so many what if in my life right. so many what if that sometimes i feel like i'm gonna explode. but i dont think much of the what ifs right now. it's not the way to live. you wont enjoy your life with the what ifs... very easy to say but hard to do... until now i'm still struggling to stop thinking about the what ifs...
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RollingC said on Feb 23, 2009....
I'm sorry to hear about your mom and her accident. I hope she feels better soon. Therapy for her elbow and getting it back in shape will probably be an ordeal at first but it should soon be over.
I wish her all the best.
Rc
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fragglesrock said on Feb 23, 2009....
how scary for her AND you :( i am glad to hear that she is on the mend, she sounds like quite the trooper! what if's tend to haunt me if i let them, so i TRY not to "go there" but sometimes it's impossible... -
uniquely-ironic said on Feb 23, 2009....
I get it. Truly. I think you know what my what if is right now. It's an all consuming question. -
starchini said on Feb 23, 2009....
I dont like what if's. They usually are bad thoughts. Rarely do we seriously ponder "what if i was a millionaire!" those what ifs are too easy...its the serious what if's that suck...I dont even want to think about "what if my mom died"...to horrible to think of...dont u be doing it either. Talk about self inflicted pain...im glad your momma is "ok" and she is very lucky she didnt bang her head even harder. -
barbeee said on Feb 23, 2009....
I try not to think about what ifs, and something happening to my mama is one thought I especially try to avoid. Just reading your story and writing this comment I am beset with what ifs, my eyes tear up and I get that knot in my throat. But you have to look to the bright side, your mom is fine and so is mine. We should just be grateful for what we have, for no amount of worrying is gonna change anything. Besides worrying gives you wrinkles :) Take care babe -
wormhilda said on Feb 23, 2009....
Wow! Hang tough. -
Alyss said on Feb 23, 2009....
Dear ginger, firstly let me say thank goodness your mother is okay and on the mend. I hope she makes a full and speedy recovery.
I have been there with the what ifs and only recently too.
Not too long ago my mum had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital but I didn't hear about it until 48 hours later as she had instructed everyone close by not to worry me...
I am sure you can imagine my reaction when I found out!
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Jenna said on Feb 23, 2009....
Ginger......I am sorry to hear about your mom......I am glad to hear that she is on the mend and going to be okay. But I do understand the what ifs. After something like that happens....it is only natural our minds go to that "what if" place. I have had many sleepless nights after an incident....wondering what would have happened if fate would not have had a hand in the situation. What if.... can only keep you awake at night and make your heart beat too fast.Forget the what ifs dear one.....mom is ok......you do need to talk to brother and let him know you NEED to know what is going on with your family.We need to forget what if.....and focus on what is......And just go from there.Hope your what is for today, tonight and tomorrow is all good!Sending good thoughts your way!xoj -
gingersoul said on Feb 23, 2009....
Infernal....oh, its so nice to see you walking around along SC halls again....pushing a stroller with that beautiful baby girl in it...lol......
Oh yes..i remember perfectly your big What If moment last week.....many of us remember it as well....(some more vividly than others....lol....)
Let's take a big breath of relief, you and I......{hugs}
Cntlvmf...oh, my gosh....that is just horrible.....how in the earth they had been able to keep talking with you like he was still alive? And what if you at least could have been able to exchange few last words with him?
Wouldn't they be precious and cherished for the rest of your days?
Its just mind bobbling.....so sorry for you.....
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gingersoul said on Feb 23, 2009....
BeyBey.....i know, i know....fact is.....when things happen to us we can control the situation......we know the extent of the danger, if any....
But when things like this happen to our loved ones...its difficult to let go the worries and accept that ...no news, its good news...
See? This is my mother's philosophy....... :-)
Thank you for your concern...she called me just this morning and she is at home......and doing great.....
She said her cat (my cat Bruce that i left her when i moved in the States..... he is 16 years old...) jumped on her lap and purred to her for one hour...he was so happy to see her again...;-)
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gingersoul said on Feb 23, 2009....
Holly......that's good, if you can do it......Enjoy the fabulosity!
Scipio...LOL...love your attitude......you are right.......fuck it@...thank you for your wishes...:-)
Queenie....my girl...i know what What If you are talking about......that is a big one, i have to concede it to you ....but...time will tell you in which way that What If would have turned....if you are going to be happy again...like i know you will...then...that What If was just not meant to be....{hugs}
Rolling...oh, thank you. my friend.......yes...she has already scheduled physical therapy for her elbow...but amazingly she can already move it and her hand and wrist have no problems at all....i am telling you...she is Bionic Woman....lol.
I hope she will not be stubbon and impatient with doctors and medicines as usual.....;-0
Fraggles......thank you....she is indeed like a cat with 9 lives....:-D
I know very well how tempting is letting ourself fall in the What If trap.....
U-nee-k.....yes, i think i know....its indeed energy consuming....we lose sleep and focus after these damned What Ifs.....
Star......i know....i should thank the positive turn of that event and don't waste time imagining the worse.....its just that twhen something precious has been on the verge of being lost.....it difficult to stop the mind to wonder about the bad consequences .....thank you......she is indeed doing very well...:-0
Barbee......thank you for your nice words and welcome to my post....:-)
Sorry if reading this story had upset you......but you said it well.....that nod we feel in our throat means we really love them....
Hey, call your mom and tell her.....it will put a smile on her face...:-)
Wormhilda......yes! Thank you for stopping by......;-)
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gingersoul said on Feb 23, 2009....
Alyss......oh yes.....i can perfectly imagine how you felt..... it must have been really scary for you......i can understand why they don't want us to be crazy for worries....its love, after all...i understand but i can't avoid to say that i want to be there, i want to help, i want to held her hand...
Thank you for your wishes...she is in very good shape if you think...{hugs}
Jenna.........hey you..........i love how you put it
" We need to forget what if.....and focus on what is......"
Just damned right...that is...lol.....
Thank you for reminding me about the positive and telling me to set aside the negative.....
Now that i come to think about it.....you have done this magic trick to me so many times here in SC.....thank you again...{hugs}
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FaceUnknown. said on Feb 28, 2009....
Dear Ginger.Before I finished your story completly, I thought about the same thing that you talked about in your story a bid later.What if Sh realy have had smacked her head to the ground, that would've been very teriblle. But this is also, Is she a feeling a bid better already.?I hope so.This story made me think about my own mom and you coment earlyer, what if such kind of thing will happen to my mom..?better try to make it right soon.Much of love and Huggs From Face -
FaceUnknown. said on Feb 28, 2009....
Dear Ginger.Before I finished your story completly, I thought about the same thing that you talked about in your story a bid later.What if She realy have had smacked her head to the ground, that would've been very teriblle. But this is also, Is she a feeling a bid better already.?I hope so.This story made me think about my own mom and you coment earlyer, what if such kind of thing will happen to my mom..?better try to make it right soon.Much of love and Huggs From Face -
FaceUnknown. said on Feb 28, 2009....
oops sorry for posted it twice ;]Kisses!! -
gingersoul said on Feb 28, 2009....
Cutieface.....this is going to be your nickname from now on.....:-)
I am glad my post made you reflect .....those big What Ifs can scare us big time..
It did it to me
Anyway....she called me just yesterday and made fun of the fact she can't put on a decent dress to go out...she already wants to go back working..
I told her to take it easy and relax...she is dynamo, though...lol..
Yes, seize the moment and do talk to your mom....
Much love to you, sweetie {hugs} -
anonymous said on Mar 01, 2009....
I understand it isn't the point of your experience, and I mean no disrespect, but I swear it must be an Italian thing. When my Uncle passed away I got a voicemail (apparently that's acceptable now a days) from my father saying he had died three days prior. And again when my grandmother was in the hospital for 3 days she didn't even tell my father (who told me a day after he found out) until she came home. So again I state it must be an Italian thing. I don't know why, but they find the need to shield us from it until well after the fact. Kind of throw it in there like an "oh by the way..." -
rmuxagirl said on Mar 04, 2009....
I am so glad your mom is okay. Sorry I didn't get this now, my grandma fell and was in the hospital for a few days and I was thinking the same things you did. what if she hit her head or what if no one was able to get to her in time she lives alone.
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