• underdogtoo said on Jun 07, 2006....

  Funny you should talk about depression and suicide. I used to be depressive and explained it away as part of my 'artistic' nature. Suicide is one thing I considered seriously once although I've flirted with it in my mind casually. I sat down in meditation and stared it in the face. Suicide had no answers to give me, could not assure me that what I was trying to escape would not haunt me in another life so, I gave it up as an option in my life. My mantra when things go intolerably wrong is, 'Let me survive this'. I have never experienced something so bad that did not go away in a few hours or perhaps in a day. It is like a storm. No matter how fierce, no matter how strong, no matter how devastating, it always ends. Everything passes, pleasure and pain alike. Here is your first installment of the Smiling Meditation. Sit comfortably with eyes closed. Think of someone special, someone nice, someone like a baby perhaps smiling at you. Smile back. Feel the smile radiating from that pleasant, smiling face in front of you. Take in the positive energy through your eyes.

• AnonymousVoice said on Jun 07, 2006....

  I gasped audibly when I read the first installment. I've done this before! ^__^ Many many many times. At least what you've described here in your first installment. Suddenly I find myself laughing... good feeling. And about bad experiences... I've experienced some terrible things that did not go away in a few hours or a day. But they did pass... more like a hurricane, however. But I realize that even after a hurricane one can begin to rebuild. Which is what I think I'm in the process of doing (and one can argue we constantly rebuild throughout our lifetime).

• underdogtoo said on Jun 07, 2006....

  Like eggshells, which need destroying if life within is to flourish, one sheds no tear for that which is discarded to make way for something better. When one leaves behind a life that is in shambles, it merely signifies a possibility to build something better. Holding on to that which obviously does not have the wherewithal to last long is a pure waste of energy. Hurting is nice. I like it but not too much. Feeling good is better but also in moderation.

• AnonymousVoice said on Jun 07, 2006....

  I concur.

• hotaka said on Jun 07, 2006....

  I hate feeling depressed. It interrupts my dream time. I am always dreaming, planning, scheming. Realizing that I am getting older but making little progress in life can be very depressing. One of my friends who has a house, a fiancee, a steady job with decent pay, loving parents, hobbies and friends is seeing a shrink to help him with his occasional funks. I told him I have few of the things he has and he countered by saying that I at least traveled to many places and experienced life a little. Hard to say which is better. In either case, decisions always mean sacrificing something. I live it. I try not to let it bother me. Sometimes I wonder where my life is going, what my future will bring. My mother always asks where I see myself in five years. I can't answer. I don't know. Please don't ask me again and again. My answer is always the same. I don't know. Underdogtoo says some very wise things.

• AnonymousVoice said on Jun 07, 2006....

  Hotaka, It's good to know you live life. And sometimes I think it's okay to not know where one's going. But it's also good to know where one wants to be.

• hotaka said on Jun 07, 2006....

  I do. I just don't know how to get there. My autobiography title would be "Lost Without a Map."

• Anon said on Jun 07, 2006....

  funny how people who have fought ddepression, have fought life, have a thing wih anonymity ;) i have attempted suicide twice. immense luck (yes, luck) has seen me through. so comforable,it seems, to just fall lightly from the mountain into a deep and peaceful sleep. but nay, wake up soul! you havent been sent here to sleep like that.you've been sent to struggle,to survive and that is when you know what life is. it is peace in the face of instability, courage in the face of fear, and joy in the face of pain. it is difficult, but cherishing, nonetheless. now, i am just glad i am here.

• lidstrom82 said on Jun 07, 2006....

  Focusing on the positive is hard when depressed, but making a habit out of it is a great idea. Sit quietly and think about those things in times of sadness, and it will help often. I'm going through a real soul-searching time, and that also includes bits of depression. You did a brave thing to open up and share with total strangers, and you know what? Opening up brings sympathy, kindness, and helpful words. There will be people in life that will provide comfort for you. At the same time, another human being can only offer you so much. You said this in your post: Perhaps... what I wish for is a companionship beyond friendship. To have a Someone to share a warm embrace with on a lonely night, to share a kiss in every kind of weather (literally and figuratively). Perhaps that person will appear when least expected. I guess I'm hoping for someone to break my heart. Or mend it. I feel silly speaking of these things and I wish I didn't because it's a perfectly natural human response. I must remember that I am only human. I think (hear me out here) that God takes care of all those things through the Bible and other people. God's like the most loving parent for everyone, but even the best parents need to teach discipline. In other words, to provide the best for us, sometimes a parent must let us grow through painful times to learn lessons. So even when you're in pain and depressed, God will let it happen, though it breaks His heart, too, because you are being refined. Humans are very much like diamonds. But life gives us chips, imperfections, lack of clarity, and the like. God can break your heart in order to refine you, and then mend you back into someone much more complete than you were. I don't say this just because church or a book tells me, but because believing that is the only reason I'm alive. I considered suicide and almost attempted it, but something prevented me from carrying it out. Some will say luck keeps us alive; I believe that God protects us and wills us to live to eventually heal an enjoy a life that is free and complete. He loves us and protects us even if we believe He's dead, or powerless, or mean, or whatever. Believing and trusting in God can break and mend your heart better than anything else you will ever reach for in this life...but He will give you friends and family - even a great love in someone else - to indicate that He's watching out for you. Regardless of what words for or against God or religion you've heard or experienced, there is healing with God.

• AnonymousVoice said on Jun 07, 2006....

  Hotaka, "Lost without a map" just might the title for most people's autobio. lol I think we create our own maps. The only thing is we can only map where we've been. Anon, it seems you and I have a bit in common, as I'll say luck has seen my through as well. And I am also glad to be here. Thank you very much for your kind words. Lidstrom82, I was very touched by your comment. I must say that it really spoke to me on an unknown level. I, myself don't believe in God but what you said made sense to me and for that I thank you.

• lidstrom82 said on Jun 08, 2006....

  Hey AnonymousVoice, one more thought: I heard a quote somewhere that rings pretty true - "the storms of life prove the strength of our anchor". In other words, the people or things we get our worth and strength from will be tested by the trials and struggles of life. If those people or things disappear like snow on a hot day, then it's not a strong anchor to keep us steady in life's storms. God doesn't promise smooth sailing, but He does love you just as much as someone who attends church 4 days a week and bakes something for every potluck dinner :) If you're seeking answers or comfort for your time of depression, now is the best time to reach outside yourself or your own wisdom. What got me through my suicidal period was having my parents transfer me to a Christian school, where I learned to live again because the people around me genuinely cared and lived out the life I wanted to live - a life lived for helping others, just as they helped me. Our situations are obviously different, but the Bible was the source of my friends' example, and led me to survive that time of despair and hopelessness. Pick up a copy of the Bible if you can, and remember that it's your choice to accept it or reject it, but there's knowledge within that can transform your life; I'm proof! My wife and I will pray for your difficult time - thanks again for taking a strong step and detailing your feelings to all of us, so we know to support you. Cling to hope that no depression or sadness or struggle will rule over your life - you're doing wonderful so far.

• hotaka said on Jun 08, 2006....

  I like the people you attract, AnonymousVoice. This is a good crowd. I guess my autobio needs a new title. Maybe at the end I can add in parentheses (But Still Managed to Bring the Milk Home!)

• AnonymousVoice said on Jun 08, 2006....

  Hotaka, I like the people I attract too. I agree that all that I've met here are wonderful and respectful. As for this autobio of yours, perhaps you'll bring the cow instead. Lidstrom, I love the quote you've provided for me. I read it at a crucial moment, my ship just got caught in a hurricane. As for what God may or may not promise, thank you, however I'm still an atheist. I highly appreciate though and your words do bring me comfort. I do have several copies of the Bible, as I've studied it from time to time. So, again, thank you and warm regards to your wife.

• lidstrom82 said on Jun 08, 2006....

  Psalm 119: "153 Consider my affliction, and deliver me, for I don't forget your law. 154 Plead my cause, and redeem me! Revive me according to your promise." Namely, deliver you from the affliction of depression and sorrow...and to revive you according to the promise God made..to prosper and not to harm, but to give you hope and a future.

• fairydustdesign said on Jun 11, 2006....

  I think that Hotaka hit the nail on the head. I know many people that, from the outside, look to be living the 'perfect' life or even just pretty good lives. When you get to know them, you find that this is far from the truth. Everyone has problems and I am sure have felt lonely at one point or another. I know that I have. You just have to focus on the good in your life.

• lidstrom82 said on Jun 13, 2006....

  If the pain is too much to bear in life, there is a point where no amount of focusing on the positive, or ignoring the pain because it's convenient, or forcing yourself to live life again, or surrounding yourself with upbeat people, will help. If any of that worked, we probably wouldn't be having this discussion, Anon. One of your tags for this blog is "deliver me". I believe God will deliver you. When pain and loneliness is more than we can handle, where else do we have to turn? Further, what better place is there to go than asking God to deliver you from it? If you believe He can and ask Him, He will do it. And you'll never look back. That's coming from someone who's been there :)

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