The lowest of the low. I have devastated my life. Worse than that, it is a isolated existence, where no one else shares your pain with you. Sure other people suffer through the same bullshit, but in that moment, when you are all in and lose, you feel it an no one else in the world feels the disappointment.

I am not good enough. This seems to be the thought that plagues me. Everything I put everything on the line I lose. Every time I take the risk the world tells you that you have to take to make it, I seem to fall short. Where are my work ethics? Why can't I just feel good about doing something?

Of course, all these things get me no where. What is the point in thinking all this when it won't solve anything? Why be so hard on myself when all I can do it try harder next time? Maybe all I need to do is sit down with some books and work my way up. My education is far from complete, and I need to work on that.

The smart amazing people always find simplicity in the chaos, and that is how they succeed. Doyle Brunson made the complete game of poker into something he just does and feels instinctively. He knows how he should play each hand because he just kept at it.

Why am I talking about that guy?

Do I really need to have such an obsession with poker? Isn't their something else I rather be doing, or is the excitement and the money really what it is all about?

When did I find poker? How did I get so involved in the this game I used to hate playing (even though most of the times I played when I was younger it was always strip poker, and I always seemed to lose and never get to see any of my girlfriends more personable physical attributes.)?

I really don't see what I want in the future. I have no master plan, other than success. It is such a broad plan I spend most of my time no knowing what to do or how to process. I need to find a focus, something I can work on until I can't stand it anymore. Poker seems to be something I could learn a lot about, but I would hate to dedicate the time needed to something like that and not come out a big winner.

I think my main goal is that I want to be really smart. I want people to respect me because I say wise things. I want to write well in a way that everyone can understand and relate to. I want to show off my talents, and I want to be remembered.

I started CricketSoda because I wanted to show off my writing. The last few months it seems to have fallen through. I have stopped writing and it has changed me as a person. Every day I don't write I lose a little of my ability. My sharpness and wit is dulled, so much so that I even notice it in daily conversation. People who I am normally comfortable in conversation with and seeming distant, and our words lack the meaning and flow they used to have.

We have lost all the bullshit and formalities. This is supposed to be a good thing. New aspects of relationships are supposed to open up, and bonds should be made. Where do we go from here?

I think that if I learned anything from this horrible week it is that I have a lot of questions. I need to be seeking answers at this point. I need to apply those answers.