My mom called me.
"Abbiamo venduto la casa" (The house is sold) she said, faking a careless tone.
"The house is sold?", i repeat like i had no idea what she is talking about.
Like i didn't know what house she is pretending not to care about.
I can fake that carefree tone as well.
So i tell her:
"Oh, so the house is sold, uh?"
"Yes, so quickly, can you believe our luck?"
...
Silence.
She
stops talking for a moment and i listen to her silence.....
thinking.....but mostly listening to her screaming, silently.....listening to her
pausing but in reality howling, like a wounded wolf. ...
See... to unfamiliar
ears this might only sounds like a quick silence during a plain phone
conversation, a glitch created by inter spacial distances, like
communication tools that don't quite adhere to the instantaneous......
The telephonic delay can be a salvation, sometimes.
But then, I sigh.
Too loud.
And she hears it.
It wasn't supposed to be heard......that tiny sigh.....
It was
supposed to remain in my throat and lingers there......like an
avoidable bubble of nostalgia, a small fragment of a mosaic that years
ago went broke and today archeologists in white tunics are still looking
for...
But the bubble has erupted, the tiny tile has fallen off the wall, the
minuscule speck of stucco has cracked, the little seal has broken and the wound
now is open again, the blood is exposed. But wait.....
I can still fake it......I can still pretend i am talking about the weather
instead, oh yes....so i tell her that it has been so unnaturally hot here, mom, two days ago i was walking around in
short sleeves, i swear, the dog was mad and the birds were chirping as it were
full Spring but now its cold again......there are no more the four seasons, so right.....
My mom lets me talk. But she knows and i know that she knows......she heard it.
"Stai bene (Are you ok), Little Pi? " she asks me when i finish talking rubbish.
That's how she calls me when she allows herself to tenderness and closeness.
Little Pi is a little spaced out, mom, i should tell her.
Little
Pi knows this news would have eventually arrived, soon or later. To be
honest with you, she could tell you she is counting on this sale....you
know, mom, Little Pi has debts and bills to pay and she is a single
mother working overtime to save some money for her daughter and the
future...
And yet.....that sigh means that your Little Pi has been taken back....nevertheless... you know, Little Pi's mom?
"Oh, well.." i start talking again keeping again the carefree tone we chose to use.
"Well, its a big thing....wait, no, its great, it huge........We needed this to happen fast".
"Yes, sure" she continues along my lines...
"Absolutely", i reinforce her.
She stops. Again that subterranean scream erupts in that micro silence of ours. I can hear it even louder now.
I know she can hear mine too.
So we
listen to each other, like sailors in two enemies submarines might hear
the vibrations of the water around them, ears bleeding while trying to
capture any sound......like two sonars in the huge vastness of some deep
ocean, desperately looking for some intersection in the plantar
currents to find the way home...... like two whales floating in the
blue of a liquid density trying to coordinate their trajectories....
Oh, there is so much unsaid in that micro silence.....there is so much unheard in those apparently carefree words...
But
then...that's what we are.....a mother and a daughter separated by a
huge ocean, and miles and miles made of air and clouds and mountains
and islands and such untouchable, cruel things like time zones and different
hours.......
We continue talking about lawyers, and contracts, and signature and money.
We are talking about the home where i lived for 6 years soon after my marriage, the
house i left to my sister when i moved here in the States, the home in
which she slowly die, surrounded by her trash.
During
these past 2 years my mother had never found the heart to stay there
too long, if
not for brief visitations during which she had cleaned what could be
still cleaned, moving away my sister's last traces, her precious things
left behind, and (more often that she would have liked) to
block the big windows shutters that some gusty winds from the North
would
sprang open.
My mother had never liked hearing those shutters sound ...
She told me once that she would sit at her kitchen table after dinner and all of a sudden she
would jump at the sound of those loud Brang!
And for a crazy moment her
crazy, inconsolable mother's heart would even believe my sister was back home again......
Only one big wall separates her home from the other one, you know?....
Could
it be possible she had really heard my sister's ghost moving along the
empty rooms, shuffling things around, opening and closing those windows, crying for my mom's attention?
That poor ghost of her, prisoner of those walls just like my sister had became a
prisoner of her troubled soul while still alive? Who knows it after all?
So
the decision to sell the house had become an unavoidable one, for all
of us. So my mom put the house on the market. This happened only last
fall.
And now the house is sold.
The
buyers are a distinct, old couple from Roma. The oddity is that
the lady used to be a dear and old friend of my father. But she
bought the house without even knowing it was his.
The coincidence
has been startling: few weeks after my mom put the home on sale, the
real estate agent happened to chat with a friend at the bar. The friend
was in company of the couple. One word led to another one and the
couple told the agent they were looking for a home.
They got interested and went to see the house. Only during the visit and while
the couple was all "ooh" and "aah" over the location and the beauty of the
place they happened to ask the name of the seller. The lady couldn't get over
the amazing coincidence. She met my brother and she told him that she knew my father many, many years
ago. Apparently they had sailed together many times, had many dinners together, and
who knows what else.....then they had lost touch because she moved with
her husband to the North.
The memory of all that friendship must have sealed the deal.
We like to think that my father had worked his Italian charme even from the grave....:-).
"I think your father just wanted to control everything, as usual" my mom laughs.
"Yeah, i guess so"
"Still..."
"Yes?" she asks.
I let it go. Its time
"I will miss the home so much, mom. I will miss the idea of being able to come back there knowing it was still mine"
And while i talk, i feel (stupidly) my eyes filling with tears.
This is no good, i think.
So I stop.
She stops too.
....
"Non piangere
(Dont cry) - she whispers - Its all right. I don't like the idea
either. It feels to me like your poor sister is dying one more time.
Despite
everything.......that was the home in which you had lived and been
happy, your father
bought it for you so that you could raise your family and we could see
your kids growing. Life has taken another path for you, and it was ok.
And then that has been a home for your sister too....It will be so
different from now on. But...non piangere, ok? I am going to put some
coffee on."..
Ok, bye bye, mom. To the next call.
"Ciao, Little Pi. Stai serena (Don't be upset)"
I will try.
Ciao, mom.
gingersoul posted on Feb 14, 2009
| views: 345
Comments
-
woman said on Feb 14, 2009....
Through my tears I am smiling at a peek into your life Ginger. You tell it well. I hope that this brings more happiness to you than saddness. We are always moving on, aren't we? -
gingersoul said on Feb 14, 2009....
Woman....oh, do I have to tell you what my mom said to me?
"Non piangere"...Don't cry...:-)
Yes, we move on.....life is only change and mutation and drifting and returning....
I am aware that there are more pro than con coming from this sale...but, as you know now, all those memories and feelings just found their way right toward me....and my mother..
Thank you for reading.....its quite a long post but it couldn't be said differently.
-
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Feb 14, 2009....
Oh dear friend, I almost could not read the your farewell to your mom through my tears...
I still vividly have the story in my mind´s eye...of the house.....your sister....you told it like we were there ...reliving....
...I feel like you, we are saying a silent goodbye to your beautiful house...I don´t know if I will have the courage to revisit the blog...although it gave me so much cathartic tears..
....I am so grateful, you let us in...to take part of your farewell....
...does it give you a bit of solace, that it will not go to utter strangers? I hope it does even a bit......
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((warmest embrace))))))))))))))))))))))
I am still choked, I don´t know what else to say. I wish I could be there for you like you have been there in important turns in my life, like you have been there for me without your knowledge but through the many words you shared here ....
Your friend, always
Joanna
-
sweetsoul said on Feb 14, 2009....
thank you, I appreciate your sharing this with us ginger. It's very moving. -
quietone said on Feb 14, 2009....
You still will always have the memories ginger - that is the important part. -
mobil said on Feb 14, 2009....
You have a wonderful way of telling a story Gingerbread, you pull us into the conversation, this is a gift.What is a house? A car? These are things and things are not important. You are important, your daughter and Mother are important, your sister and father important.I know you know this, what is important and what is not, yet still the changes we must go through in life seem important. I think because those things were shared with those who are important. -
gingersoul said on Feb 14, 2009....
Joanna.....no, don't go.....don't go to read that post again...i myself find very hard to do so, the times i feel the impulse of visiting it again.....
It has been one of my most difficult one to write.......
So i think that part of those emotions have been permeating this post too......
Stay here and don't go there, ok?....
And, my friend, dont worry......my mom and I will talk again and again about the sell and each time i know it will become more real and easier to handle.
Thank you so much for you sincere reaction ....{{hugs}}
Sweetsoul......thank you for reading it....i know it is a long one for the Sc standard......;-)
You always seem to appear after a long silence and always have nice words to me...i want to take this opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate it...:-)
Quiet.......yes, absolutely....absolutely yes.....:-)
-
gingersoul said on Feb 14, 2009....
Mobil.....oh, people is important......family and friends and those strangers who can touch our heart for some mysterious reasons .......you are so right......
Its the wisdom that comes only after having deeply loved and been loved as well.....
You have a family......you are a son, a brother, a father, an uncle, a grandfather, a husband and a friend......you know the true meaning of the people that makes your life important....thank you for your words......:-) -
Jenna said on Feb 14, 2009....
Just wrapping my arms around you sweet one......what a post......You have a way of opening up your heart.
Beautiful story.....wishing you well!
xo
-
gingersoul said on Feb 14, 2009....
Jenna.....and i am wrapping my arms around you.....it feels warm and cozy tonight here........thank you very much.....xxx.....
-
secretlife said on Feb 14, 2009....
Non piangeremobil is right and a house is just a house-the really important stuff---the memories; the experiences, the living........these things are yours forever-there are some words that are too difficult to speak aloud.and sometimes "faking it" is all you can do- or risk falling apart.you and your mom have this in common---even as you think you are more like your father was-do you see this? or the irony?non piangere.you are loved by many- -
beyondtheveil said on Feb 14, 2009....
ginsoul- The heart of your post lies in two words that are similar in meaning, but wholly different in the context we use them in. You named your post 'One home less' but later described selling only the 'house'.
You can sell the bricks and mortar of a house, but can never sell the home. A house lies on a lot, the home resides in the heart.
When coming back from a hard day or an exhausting trip you never return to 'the house', but rather 'come home'.
It all has to do with the home of the heart, and the heart has many homes.
-
woman said on Feb 14, 2009....
This is what I love about SC. All the beautifully written words, expressing all the love and deep feelings found here, just make ME feel "at home". Hugs for all of you. Beautiful Post. Woman -
gingersoul said on Feb 14, 2009....
Secret....you have a sharp eye, my friend...and a wise soul...i already told you this..
You are perfectly right making that observation....i do find more and more similarities with my mother now that i get older....it might be that my father-side was the young me, the naturally more selfish one and my mother- side is instead the grown up one, the one that has duties and daily responsibilities.
Thank you so much for your words. You know me well, after all.
BeyBey......oh, you said it so well, my friend.....
"A house lies on a lot, the home resides in the heart"....
"It all has to do with the home of the heart, and the heart has many homes"
Thank you so much {hug}
Woman.....again, thanks......come back here anytime, lady...;-)
-
Lucytorial said on Feb 14, 2009....
ginger, I have, only thoughts, real feelings of tenderness for your memories. As precious as the most rarest gem, I am sorry but also I don't understand so the sorry does not mean anything.Take heart ginger that you feel so vividly a life so well lived and cherrished, take warmth in knowing that immortality in a sense lies with those memories as it is those memories that give life to precious beings, experiences, a sense of who you are and how deep your river flows, how wonderfully emotive and full you are as a person for having experienced them.♥Tobi-Lee -
MissMimi said on Feb 14, 2009....
You tell this story so beautifully, gingerpeach. Your heart is one that feels deeply, and you have a wonderful gift for sharing your joy and your pain. Thank you for sharing this.This is completely off the subject, but I just wanted to tell you that the leading lady in a movie I watched tonight made me think of you. She had the same passion for life that I imagine you having. It made me smile. {{{{{hugs}}}}}} -
queenparanoia said on Feb 15, 2009....
moving on... its sad but we have to... this is a very touching post ginger and i'm honored you shared it with us. thank you.
-
scipio said on Feb 15, 2009....
Great post. Very emotional. Memories of homes and wonderful people are never easy to forget. -
Twylarants said on Feb 15, 2009....
I'm so sorry, Ginger. Even if there is only the thinnest thread that ties us to home we have to hold onto it with all our strength. Memories, families, and talking about home are very shiny, glimmering threads that can never break. -
CreativeWoman said on Feb 15, 2009....
It is such a bittersweet story, Ginger. I am touched by your bond with your mother. My best to you.
CW
-
botoni said on Feb 15, 2009....
Ginger, as life evolves we see changes that we once thought would never happen. It's one of the processes that I'm not sure I really like. We know that change is going to be but we long for much of it to never occur. The memories that we house are the treasures that keep the bitterness to minimum. You'll have those indelible memories for all your life. -
gingersoul said on Feb 15, 2009....
Lucy.....thank you.
Knowing sometimes doesn't lessen the feeling but, yes, it helps computing the losses and appreciating the substitutions....nobody say Splenda is better than the real sugar...but its not that bad, after all....:-)
Mimibella.......you know, I have been hit by an epiphany while i was writing this post....
I realized how the home i used to live and the house i live now mirror my past and present life...
Then, the home was big, spacious, air was flowing through, she sea was shining through the curtains, people was visiting often and family was growing....
The house i live in now....i am afraid i will never call it home ....small. restricting, limiting, claustrophobic at times, friends don't come to visit as often as i would like (for many different logistic reasons)....and family stop growing.
How symbolic, isn'it?
Psst: what movie were you watching? Now you got me curious....lol... -
gingersoul said on Feb 15, 2009....
Queenie....i know how you are trying very hard to give that concept a consequential reality in your life....moving on...
Sometimes what we have to do is just letting the flow go.....floating on the surface of the sea like a sea weed....just put on some strong sunscreen ....you don't want to be burned again by the sun, right?...{{hugs}}
Scipio.....so true...it because homes become what we are when we live in them.....and yet, we know they are only bricks and things...nothing of what happened inside them can be taken away.
CW.....good morning....still sore for last night laughing and falling?...lol...
Thank you very much.
Bottie.....there you are...my shrinking hero (talking about your weight loss).....
You are another perfect example of the epiphany i was describing to Mimibellla up there...
..
You are the one who took his home and gave it a new life.....you didn't leave it, nor your home left you....another symbol of how we can renovate ourselves and the home at the same time. I bet you made the connection between your body make over and your remodeling, right?
Thank you for stopping by and for your nice words.
-
gingersoul said on Feb 15, 2009....
Twillielou....."shiny, glimmering threads"... beautiful description, so true..
Thank you very much. -
CreativeWoman said on Feb 15, 2009....
ginger,
I have bruised knees this morning! lol I am such a klutz!
CW
-
MissMimi said on Feb 15, 2009....
gingerpeach, the movie was Mamma Mia. I just loved it. It tickled me to no end to see you in Meryl Streep's role. I may have to put the DVD in again today.Hey, peachie, guess who I'm going to see perform in June? LOL Yummyyummyyummy... -
gingersoul said on Feb 15, 2009....
MimiBelle......LOL......that's so funny.....thank you......and you know, judging from the energy Meryl Streep put in that role........i can easily sign my name with my blood to be that lively at her age...
Psst.... between you and I, love this song.....(shhh).
And....wha??? again?? You are so shamefree. And so lucky!!!....;-D
-
gingersoul said on Feb 15, 2009....
CW.....oh, sorry...no, you are not...its that damned ice....i have crashed on my butt so many times too....
There....some warm pictures to think about warm places....:-)
The song is sung in Sardinian dialect......a very ancient Italian language....mixed with Italian....its called : "Domo mea" (that means "My home" in that dialect)
"Even if its not more my home
i still hear your melodies....
i hear your words....
and i love you, i love you
my land, my home"....
-
gingersoul said on Feb 15, 2009....
Piet.......you can use the Edit feature now......its back...LOL..... -
Never_Mind_The_Quality said on Feb 15, 2009....
Bitter sweet memories.
Thank you Ginge! you've brought back memories like soft filtered sun
filled movies of my youth on the house boat built by my dad.
Of my favorite cousin who left The Hague as the last of my dads
family, so there wouldn't be any reason to go there, except as a tourist.
She would battle with her hubby, who wanted to show off his computer skills.
Arguing: "He's my nephew!" and have me sit with her and smoke, while we talked about her old life in The Hague and her new one in the south of Holland, where I would drop by when ever I was in the neighbourhood for work.
Tears and smiles..
Thank you
;-))
-
gingersoul said on Feb 15, 2009....
Piet....you know...one of my dreams is having a vacation in a houseboat...
My ex husband and I were almost going to make the dream come true.....we wanted to go to Jamaica and rent a houseboat there....it never happened.....
But i keep dreaming.....:-)
Thank you for sharing.
-
satyr said on Feb 16, 2009....
gingersoul, that is beautiful. I remember the emotions of Mom and Dad selling the homestead, the loss of the place of so many memories. You and Mom had a good chat, Little Pi. :-) -
gingersoul said on Feb 16, 2009....
Dear Satyr.....so glad to see you here again.....:-)
You always pop out to comment and i really appreciate it....
Hope life is treating you good, my friend.....
Yes, Little Pi and her mom had a good talk....and the bond is stronger than bricks...
-
Alyss said on Feb 22, 2009....
{hugs} for you ginger, cutting those ties is a painful thing whatever the reason behind it.
Comment on "One home less"
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