so here i sit,...up town,....in the parkin lot of my friends dress shop, rippin off her wifi (she really should pass word it),.....i've been down at mom's house for the past two days,...i'm not going home until tomorrow,....and it can come fast enough

in between reports, and choppin fire wood, and cuttin dead trees down for her,....she took the time to hammer home what a fuck up i am again,....thank you

we sat at her kitchen table, the one i never ate at as a child, and played gin,.....she was waitin on a phone call,..i was waitin on her to leave me alone again,....

the conversation turned to her appointment she made to see a therapist,...i jokeinly made the comment she should pay for my therapy bill as well,.....to which she asked if i thought i really needed it

i calmly explained to her that as a child, when she used to drive me to the sherriff's department and tell me i needed to be in an institution has prolly fucked me up alittle

because she say that as an attack on her parenting skills, she felt the need to rehash everything

i did drugs
i drank
i had sex
i lied to her constantly
i had a bad attitude
i used to throw fits in class
i threw things
i tried to kill myself
i moved in and out of the house (i dont remember it that way,....i just remember her throwing me out)
i would disapear for long periods of time
i went a few years without speaking to her
i was disrepective
i wrecked a few cars
i had a few warrents
i was in and out of college for awhile


you know, i understand that i wasnt a good kid

mom says that we still have the same arguements we had when i was younger

basically i live under my potential level,..according to her
i'm not self sefficiant
i live off of money my dead grandfather left me and i've never really worked hard at anything

she's right,...i havent
academics always came very easy for me,....i learned at a early age how to bs my way through school and still be at the top of my class

i learned how to talk my way out of most situations

i learned how to be charming in order to stay out of any big trouble

sure,.....i slept around alot,......some of that was my travis experiance coupled by the emotional abandanment i felt from my parents,....
even though i understand to my partners it was just sex,......i still needed to feel that intimate close connection,.....even if the intimacy was only on my part,.....that was fine,....trust me i have disillusions of what was goin on,.....i also feel like i managed it well, and still do

in some ways she's right,.......i would rather be well liked than 'sucsessful',......i am needy,....trust me i'm well aware

but it is the way it is,...mom seeems to think i can just wake up a different person in the morning,....i cant

i dont know how to undo the damage done to me,......but i dont know that ignoreing it like i tend to do at times is not something that is gonna progress me in any form,....

she likes to tell me that i'm fucked up,....she likes to tell me that there's something wrong with me,....she likes to tell me that she is embarrassed of me,.....but then she turns around and says that i shouldnt let any of that effect me

what the fuck
she's my mother

i'm not makein sence at this point,.....my brain is spinning,.....and i cant even see straight,....i dont want to go back to that house

sometimes i look at my mother and think how horrible and sad her life must be for her to keep beatin me up about mine,.....