For a while now a disatisfaction with myself has been rising, of not being selfish, of not taking hold of my life and doing with it what I'd like to.
It all started on the chinese new year. Monday 26th we'd been having continual problems with our internet, it had been down for some time, the dramas of being on the telephone for so long and not getting a response was to say the least frustrating.
Prior to New Year our clients had not paid us for over three months, as you can imagine a small wage that I bring in will only go so far, and it doesn't stretch to certain big things like loan repayments and child support, bills, important ones like electricity.
My sister had come for a visit and although we had a ball it changed my routine drastically and I am a creature of comfort in my routine. It sounds awfully bland but there you have it, my life is busy and wild enough but at home I need things a certain way, I need to have control in my own space. When I lose that I lose my sense of equalibrium.
I've also been eating incorrectly, wheat wheat and too much wheat, drinking alcahol also does not help. So my body began to react most severly.
All of this built up into a culminative depression of my spirits and it stemmed from one tiny little thing.
I haven't done anything for myself in such a long time. By that something I mean an activity to which I can commit and love and enjoy and make myself smile because it involves no one else but me.
On New Years day our internet magically fixed itself, then my hubby picked up an awesome contract, then we were told that our clients would be paying this Friday (two days ago) one of them has which has taken the heat off immeasurably. The New Year has finally started and I will be celebrating it with hubby all year, we are both Oxes, as this is the year of the Ox I'm sure we'll have a better year than ever if we listen to ourselves.
Yesterday I signed up for Contemporary dance class on Tuesday evenings and Exam level Jazz on Thursday evenings, this is my time, for me, for my body for my spirit and for my health. My teacher is only 29, such a cute thing like a pixie, she's excited to have me on board and says there are five other women roughly my age that like me are ex dancers, so I won't get bored, I'll have a lot of fun and maybe meet some other women that have the same desire as I do.
My goal? to not only get healthy and get my body back, but to use my creativity again, for fun, because I can. Simple? not really, making yourself do something never works, you have to want it, that want has to make your feet move, your smile broaden and your mind tingle.
So I guess for the next couple of weeks I'm going to be aching, sore and happy as I've not been for a long long time. Thank god the New Year has started.
